I think my husband is in love with his coworker

posted 11 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
12239 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

The instantly erasable snap chats and non work related or after hours communication need to stop no matter what. I would absolutely nip this in the bud and make this a hill to die on. Stand your ground and don’t let him gaslight you. Either he acknowledges that what he’s doing is inappropriate or else. I’d insist on counseling. 

Post # 3
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

It’s normal to get crushes on people, but the way he is behaving is over the line. I might discount his reply after you (understandably) confronted him, because people tend to get defensive when attacked. If you want to work through this, I think a safe space is needed. I would be very calm, but consistently insist on therapy. If he isn’t cooperative, I might even go so far as to make an appointment and tell him to come. If he doesn’t show you can make use of the session to talk through your own state of mind. I’m sorry. That sounds really hard to deal with. 

Post # 4
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

gardener09 :  If they arent having sex they will be soon. Minimum it’s an emotional affair. You need to set up counseling. You also  need to pull in your emotions and attempt to have calm talks if you intend to try to save your marriage. Nobody is perfect but screaming down each other’s throat during this whole process won’t solve anything. If he refuses counseling and refuses to stop being friends with her then your marriage is already over anyway and you need a divorce lawyer. 

Post # 5
Member
559 posts
Busy bee

‘When I told him all of that he started laughing at me. Then he told me no matter what he said I wasn’t going to believe him, and we left it at that’

This is where he should have been reassuring you nothing was going on and that you and your marriage come first so there would be no more Lauren, other than any time he has to be in her company for work.

 

Post # 6
Member
1608 posts
Bumble bee

He is gaslighting you. If you aren’t familiar with the term, google it. The snapchatting is inappropriate. What are they 14 yrs old? Does he snapchat his male friends? I’d start snooping for proof. Snapchat sometimes saves videos and photos to separate files on phones. I’d start looking.

Post # 7
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Marraige is a SACRED committment, I’m not even officially married yet, only engaged and if my Fiance’ were to tell me that he was uncomfortable with the amount of time and/or how I was interacting with someone, espcially someone of the opposite sex, I would stop it IMMEDIATELY, it’s called respect for your relationship, has nothing to do with him being a grown man. You are his WIFE not just some random female and should be treated as such, hun people only treat you the way you allow them to. Ask him would he be okay if YOU had a male friend whom you were that close with and behaved in such a way with??? I bet a million times over that he wouldn’t be okay with it, and if he says he would he’s lying. My only advice is you HAVE to stand your ground hun, and be firm about it you are his wife you have EVERY right to.

Post # 8
Member
2402 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’d start making an exit plan. Survey finances. Who owns what? You’ve been together a long time but only married for a short time. Do you work? Have children? Separate finances? For me, getting the practical things out of the way was easier. Then, go looking through his phone. Be prepared to deal with what you might find. I am sorry this is happening to you. 

Post # 9
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee

It is possible that he doesn’t realize he has a crush on her. He can genuinely think that there is only feelings of friendship. Whenever I’ve had a crush on someone I’ve convinced myself for the first months that we are just friends. If this is the case I can see why he reacted in that way. I’m not saying it is ok, but I can see it without it necessarily being gaslighting 

I think the first step is to talk about it. If he was ok with you doing that with a friend. Why he isn’t doing the same with his other friends. And then coming up with boundaries. 

 

Post # 10
Member
3585 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

gardener09 :  His behavior(s) with her and his reactions to your feelings are not at all what I’d expect of a husband who puts his wife first. My husband never makes me feel like I come second to anyone, especially not a female co-worker, so I would be livid if I were you. All of the social media and extra communication outside of work with her should be cut and I agree that you two need to talk this out, with help from a third party if necessary. If he’s not willing to do those things for the sake of your emotional well-being and your marriage, then you’ll have to decide how you feel about that. I know that it wouldn’t work for me.  

Post # 11
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Go to the website surviving infidelity and the people there will be able to help you. Tell him now in no uncertain terms that you are his wife and she is his friend and wife trumps friend always so he needs to immediately stop all non work communication. If he is unwilling tell him that you have scheduled a marriage counseling appointment and give him the time and location. Do not play the pick me dance, it’s her or you. To try to stop this from becoming an affair you must show strength and know your worth. If he can’t pick you over a friend your marriage is already done. So sorry bee. Don’t let him minimize it, you know what you saw and where this is headed. You must take immediate decisive action. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
1608 posts
Bumble bee

 rez123 :  have you had these “crushes” when you were married and/or in a committed relationship? There’s a difference between noticing someone and acknowledging they are attractive in whatever way, but to say you’ve had full-on crushes without realizing is not normal or ok. OPs husband is fully aware of what he is doing.

Post # 13
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree that it is time to hold your ground here. What is happening is inappropriate simply because it is him opening himself up to a potential affair. Simply put it is 100% innapropriate for him to be communicating with her outside of work via snapchat or even via text. He could be on a group chat with all the coworkers or he can email her through work but he should not be personally texting her. The reality is he doesn’t NEED her in his life. A friendship with this random coworker shouldn’t be worth the discomfort of his wife. He is playing with fire, and whether or not the fire has already started or not you need him to stop playing with it. Establish boundaries. I suggest couples couseling asap and tell the cousilor the goal of your sessions is to talk about your boundaries as a couple with people of the opposite sex and his coworkers. 

He is coming at it from the perspective of, don’t be controlling i am allowed to have friends. While that logic is true, he is allowed to have friends, he does not understand the boundaries he needs to have in place to protect his marriage. 

I found these after a quick google search of appropriate marriage boundaries. Go see a counsilor together to discuss what your boundaries are. Tell him its counseling or a divorce. 

<h2>Here are 4 things that every couple must do to keep boundaries with the opposite sex:</h2>

1. Don’t be alone with a person of the opposite sex outside of work. Romantic relationships come out of recreational activities and intimate conversations. It’s a gray line to have lunch with a co-worker, but once it moves into dinner and drinks, ehhh… no!

2. Do not be friends with anyone your spouse does not feel comfortable with… no exceptions. And don’t be ridiculous by fighting for that friendship once your spouse waved the red flag. That only makes you look like a dummy.

3. Don’t share private details of your marriage with anyone of the opposite sex. Lean on a mentor, pastor, life coach, or a trusted friend of the same sex.

4. Do not become the shoulder for someone of the opposite sex to cry on. Hand them a tissue and walk away.

Hard truth: I get it, but frankly these stories are way too common and the pain is too real. Do not pull fire out of the fire ring! Fire is an amazing thing inside the ring, providing warmth, joy (and even s’mores!), but once it’s out of the ring, it’s a nightmare to contain.

<h3>MARRIAGE ACTION PLAN:</h3>

  • Talk to your spouse about practical ways you can protect and prioritize your marriage.
  • Ask your spouse if there are friends in your life they don’t feel comfortable with and what would be a realistic game plan on backing away.

OH and this website’s article is also good. 

OH and this.  https://verilymag.com/2017/06/can-men-and-women-be-friends-not-just-friends-dr-shirley-glass-boundaries-in-marriage

Post # 14
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee

chocolateplease :  I’m just saying that  it’s been few months that it is possible that he has not realised he has a crush and therefore doesn’t realize to step away yet. I’m not by any means saying that what he is doing is ok. And it is totally possible that he is perusing her on purpose and they are already having sex in the supply closet. I was just giving an alternative explanation based on what I’ve experienced. Having  a crush is similar married or not. The difference is how to handle it. He is not handing it right.

Post # 15
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Frankly, his behavior would be inappropriate and off putting if he was single. Staring at a co-worker all night? Other employees notice that kind of thing. And probably talk about it.

 

I don’t know, bee. I could get over a workplace crush but not sure I could get over how dismissive he was when you confronted him. It was basically a, yeah, what are you going to do about it? response.

 

His behavior is appalling and disrespectful. If you insist he quit with the snapchatting he’ll probably just make a move to hide it. He doesn’t seem remotely concerned about your feelings. I am not sure what you can do because he’s already behaving so poorly and not sure it can be turned around.

 

 

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