I think my husband is in love with his coworker

posted 12 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

gardener09 :  oh bee ): the “please help me” at the end of your post almost brought me to tears. 

Everything he’s doing must stop immediately. Also, im an advocate for snooping. I figured out how to retrieve something ( something I had forgotten to save, but wanted to keep) deep from within my phone that had gone through snapchat by just Googling my phone’s model & following the steps. You’ll need proof bc he continues to gaslight & it WILL drive you very close to insanity.

FWIW: The law firm i used to work for, 300 or so people in our one building, stopped letting us have spouses at our holiday parties for this exact reason. It opened up too many spouses eyes & ended so many relationships. So many people participating in that work husband work wife bs. It’s sick. 

I’m so sorry this is happening ):

 

Post # 17
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

rez123 :  That is strange, unless social interaction isn’t something you’re well-adjusted to. Willing yourself to be ignorant/delusional of your feelings isn’t a great reason for why you didn’t realize you were potentially cheating . . . 

Post # 18
Member
2303 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

awholenewbee2019 :  FWIW: The law firm i used to work for, 300 or so people in our one building, stopped letting us have spouses at our holiday parties for this exact reason. It opened up too many spouses eyes & ended so many relationships. So many people participating in that work husband work wife bs. It’s sick. 

 

I know not the point of your post, but I find it kind of sad that management’s response to all their employees fucking each other was to exclude the spouses from after hours work events. Talk about treating the symptoms instead of the problems!

Post # 19
Member
2667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I’m so sorry you’re going through this Bee. 

At first I was going to say there relationship sounds innocent enough. I thought the snap chat was a little weird but to each’s own.

But his behavior at the work party would not have flown with me. I don’t get it. Even if he did have a crush on her, you’d think he could at least hide it a little better. The fact that he was practically drooling over her is super strange and worrisome. 

My whole stance on things like this is that if he were actually committed to your marriage and to you, he wouldn’t let himself get this infatuated or whatever you want to call it. If he even felt a spark or an immediate attraction, he wouldn’t be talking to this coworker after work hours. 

I do think you need to have a good, long talk with him about all of this. Not talking about it will make it fester and make it worse. 

Post # 20
Member
4315 posts
Honey bee

If your husband wants your marriage to work he has to find another job away from this woman. If he’s not willing to do that, your marriage doesn’t have a chance.

Time to snoop. You’ll find something. Before blowing up at him, take an inventory of all your investments, bank accounts, etc. Take screenshots. Talk to a lawyer.

Post # 21
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

“he told me no matter what he said I wasn’t going to believe him”

To which I would have said yes I’m glad you’ve caught on.  You are right, I do not believe you.  Are you not going to be able to give up Snapchatting with a random co-worker in order to preserve your marriage? Doesn’t that sound a bit ridiculous to you? If it’s really no big deal, then it wouldn’t be a big deal to stop. 

Agree with ladyjane123 :  “The reality is he doesn’t NEED her in his life. A friendship with this random co-worker shouldn’t be worth the discomfort to his wife.”

Having your own (reasonable) boundaries, and enforcing them the way you say you will, is not being controlling.  If it is, then it’s control over yourself, which you SHOULD have.  He doesn’t have to do what you ask, but he doesn’t control how you react to what he does either. 

Post # 22
Member
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

gardener09 :  

There is a difference between being friends and being something more. They are in the being something more. I will be honest I had a friend who we worked together for a solid two years laughing cutting up texting a lot, but guess what???

BOTH of our SO’s knew about it and hung out with us! So it was never anything more than a friendship. And that’s the difference your Darling Husband is being prety damnn obvious he wants more.

Post # 23
Member
501 posts
Busy bee

gardener09 :  Oh, bee. I am so sorry you are hurting. I have been in this EXACT position and could have written this post myself. Please PM me and I will share with you how I handled it.

Post # 24
Member
991 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

i would just like to take the time to tell you that you are not a crazy person. you are not ridiculous or jealous and your feelings are completely valid on this. you are not stupid. you have intuition and you KNOW something is wrong here. he is being incredibly disrespectful to you. laughing at you when you voice a concern? even if he truly doesnt have a crush (which he clearly does), you telling him how youre feeling should immediently make him feel as though there is something he is doing wrong and that he needs to fix it. he is completely dicounting your feelings and that is not ok. i would have a very serious talk with him and i would absolutely seek counseling at this point, before its too late. hugs, bee. you dont deserve that. good luck to you

Post # 25
Member
1446 posts
Bumble bee

hungrymeow :  where did she say anything about cheating? You can have a crush on someone without cheating, it’s all how you handle it. OP’s husband is handling it very badly, and it looks as though he is leaning towards an affair so he needs to limit his contact with this woman ASAP.

However, I don’t agree that not realising you’re attracted to someone is cheating or being delusional. I’ve definitely been in situations when I was single where I didn’t realise that what I felt towards someone was more than friendly until later on, especially if they grow on you or aren’t your usual type. A lot of feelings of friendship are similar to attraction, wanting to spend time with someone over other people, finding them fun to be around, hoping they’ll be at parties you’re going to, wanting to get to know them better, talking to them outside of work etc. 

I do think it’s unlikely based on her husband’s behaviour though that he doesn’t realise he’s attracted to this woman though, him leering at her all night and ignoring OP to spend time with her are not typical friendly behaviours. 

Post # 26
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry, Bee.  This really doesn’t sound good.  He seems to be of the opinion that being able to spend time with and communicate with this girl from work is worth your unhappiness.  His priorities are totally out of whack. 

I’d try sitting him down for a serious chat.  Tell him exactly what you’ve noticed, and lay out how that makes you feel.  If he continues to disregard your feelings, call him on it.  “Do you see what you just did? I brought you a legitimate concern, and you tried to turn it around on me and invalidate my feelings.”  

Bee, if an adult conversation doesn’t begin to fix this, I’m afraid I have to agree with the other posters here.  Counseling is in order.  Your husband seems to have lost sight of what it means to be married, and a third party might have to be the one to help him see that.  If he refuses counseling, you have to consider what you will and won’t tolerate.  I suspect that you won’t tolerate this behavior from him, so here’s my suggestion:  Don’t grovel, don’t nag.  Do all that you feel you can possibly do to recover things, and if it doesn’t work, walk away with your head held high. 

Post # 27
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

ariesscientist :  Assuming you don’t know you have a crush until later, how you’ve thus spent your time with someone is acting without awareness. That’s why I said “potential cheating.”

I’ve been clueless about how others have been attracted to me, but I don’t know how I wouldn’t realize my own attraction to someone. Telling myself that we’re friends isn’t something I have to do with platonic relationships.

Post # 28
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

gardener09 :   Honestly this would all be red flags especially Snapchat because when you talk on Snapchat all your conversations disappear as soon as you open the conversation everything goes away. He’s definitely hiding something from you and I would not be OK with his behavior at the party I would’ve snapped  at somebody at the party either her or him.  I think you’re being way too easy-going about this  I also think you need to deep digger and  get to the bottom of this  you guys are married at the end of day and he should be committed to you and not be eyeballing some coworker  in front of you and talking to her after hours !

Post # 29
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Trilogy Golf Course at Glen Ivy

gardener09 :  I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there with my husband and it so happens her name is Lauren too. Around this time last year it got really bad, the non stop texting and emails. He travel alot for work, and when he was finally home he would invite her to our outing. It got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and finally had the courage to ask him what the heck was going on. He didn’t realize the texting was getting that bad, and understood the way I was feeling. The texting slow down, but would start up again, so before he’s next business trip I made it a point to invite myself to their next outing. I got to know Lauren better, and noticed that it wasn’t anything romantic. Turns out it was a friendship. She’s now one of his best friends and he can confide in, and for that I’m glad. My husband has a history of depression and I’m just glad he’s able to speak to someone other than myself and his therapist. Everyone needs someone they can speak to other than their spouse, but as long as they know where to draw the line, and the spouse remains the MAIN person he depends on the most.

Post # 30
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

I know it was said before, but PLEASE go to survivinginfidelity.com. They have been here, they will help you find out what it really going on and give you the proper actions to take, at this time. Please, for yourself. 

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