(Closed) I think my husband may have a crush on his coworker (UPDATE)

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 196
1660 posts
Bumble bee

Unless you’re dating a sociopath, I think you can generally sense when your SO isn’t quite “there”.  Most people struggle to be completely normal around someone if they’ve developed feelings for someone else. If youre used to telling someone about your life, big or small, hiding that someone else is on your mind is difficult.

Hell I’m someone who dates multiple guys (all non exclusively) in the beginning until I settle on one, and I’ve had even them sort of notice that my greeting felt a little off if I have a date with one the day after the other. 

If OP was the type who didn’t believe in male-female friendships overall, I would buy the idea of paranoia more. But if she’s generally ok with it, and uncomfy here, she’s probably picking up on something. 

Post # 197
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

Yep, this is exactly why I think the blind trust/just have an adult conversation with him advice is total bullshit.  I have personally witnessed both of those tactics fail miserably in my family (not my SO) as well.  Cheaters aren’t going to admit to anything.  Charliejeorge :  

Post # 198
11181 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

toomuchdiva :  

Ok, Bee.  It’s time to break this shit down.

Your husband is gaslighting the snot out of you.

He is making you the guilty party for so cruelly and insensitively accusing him of even entertaining the thought of being attracted to another woman.  Bee, how could you?!

He’s trying to shut you down.  Stop bringing it up. Excuse me?  He does not own the dialogue. His wife has entirely valid feelings of anxiety and he is ordering her to shove them.

He is directing you not to worry or be jealous.  Well.  Allrighty then. 

Are you detecting the theme here? It’s all the product of your imagination/anxiety; you’re being a horrible partner, accusing Saint Husband of awful things; and, you need to shut the hell up. To summarize:  he is an innocent victim.


Then, there is your husband’s character; or, more accurately, the lack thereof. See above for ample evidence of major character deficits. Let’s add in his derisive attitude toward women. He passed negative judgment on Amanda before he even knew her. And, please note, his criticisms of her were based on her appearance. What work she may or may not have had done to her face.  The type of handbag she carried. 

A legit complaint about an interviewer is along the lines of: she was 20 minutes late; she didn’t really seem to know very much about the position; that kind of thing.

How interesting that this crap came from a guy who, by your description, is quite invested in his own vanity.

When he pulls the “go negative” trick out of mothballs, where does he go?  Back to Amanda’s appearance. He compounds his felony by escalating from her face to her breasts, to which he refers as “boobs”. That is not a small thing, Bee. Words have enormous power. You may want to check yourself on this.

The references to Amanda’s anatomy signals significant disrespect toward someone with whom he has a professional relationship and is his boss, for gawd’s sake

We can distill all of this out and examine it separate and apart from his obvious obsession.

Bee, I can see that you’re struggling with finding your way in all of this. Completely understandable. The advice about individual therapy is excellent. I agree that you would benefit greatly from some support right now as you sort this all out.

Post # 199
3914 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

yogahammy :  Absolutely! I’ll have an adult conversation with Fiance if I feel something is off. If I have a nagging feeling afterwards, I will not “just drop it”. Each time I have a weird feeling, Fiance explains it, apologizes for making me feel that way or offers up his phone. Comparatively, my ex would call me crazy, say things like “when would I possibly have the time to sneak around”, or make me feel stupid for even mentioning it. Of course I was left with nagging feelings but there’s no way I would bring it up again just o be made to feel even more stupid. I will be the first person to suggest snooping. Yes it feels crappy, but so does being gas-lighted and cheated on. I’ll take the former over the later any day. 

Post # 200
465 posts
Helper bee

somathemagical :  

Did your husband obsessively discuss his female coworkers with you and make frat boyesque comments about their boobs? I hope not. 

I’m asking to illustrate the fact that your husband’s behaviour is apples to oranges compared to the OP’s fiancé. 

Post # 201
1195 posts
Bumble bee

At best, he’s disrespectful and lacks boundaries. At worst, he’s obsessed/crushing/sleeping with her and/or some sort of narcissist who gets off on talking to you about other women and watching you squirm. It makes me uneasy that he seems to “have an answer” for everything. 

I really feel for you OP, this sounds frustrating and draining. Only you know your husband so it’s hard to gauge exactly what’s going on, but the reality is that this is not okay. You shouldn’t have to feel like this.

Individual therapy could help you get some perspective and support. I think it’s time to focus on yourself and building up your own self esteem. Regardless of what is happening, it will reveal itself at some point and you will have to just cross that bridge when you get to it. xo

Post # 204
323 posts
Helper bee

Even if he is attracted to her, doesn’t mean he’s acting on it. It’s natural for people in long term relationships to have crushes.. stay confident and don’t give him reason to find you unattractive. Monitor the situation but don’t obsess over it, especially in front of your husband.

Post # 205
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

Im gonna say it since no one else has. I think he was really digging on her and his change of heart is because he might have seen pics of her with some other dude while on vacation. Maybe she has twitter or whatever and posted a pic in wherever she vacationed and there was a dude in the pic and now he is pissed off because he thought she was digging on his as well.

A man never does a full reversal unless something like another guy coming in the picture opens his eyes. His reaction like criticizing her attire, and her body, might subconsciously have something to do with the fact that he knows she let another man touch her. Maybe he is rationalizing her as a skank so that he doesnt have to deal with the fact that he has feelings for her

Who knows but he is definitely obsessive over her looks. That is a very personal thing. Maybe she gave off the vibe she was interested in him and he got a little emotionally involved. Maybe she mt some guy on her vacay and dropped your hubby as a target of her flirting. Its hard to say, but generally when a man refers to a woman as a skank its because he wanted that and someone else got to it first. 

Sorry OP..

Post # 206
3508 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

princessanon0125 :  “A man never does a full reversal unless something like another guy coming in the picture opens his eyes.”

…or because his wife is suddenly obsessed with this co-worker of his and convinced he has feelings for her. 

Post # 209
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

toomuchdiva :  If she is fun and flirty he might have misconstrued her feelings. He might have believed she was interested in him and him only. Its significant to me that he brought up her vacation. I can tell you that I generally know when my boss goes on vacation, but I dont generally know the details of said vacation or even where the vacation is. The fact that he does know, unless it was to tell him or her other employees “I will be vacationing in such and such, if there is an office emergency, you cant reach me on my cell or by email”  is weird.

He has been trying to impress her and then something causes a turn and he immediately goes to criticizing her body and calling her a skanky. Skank by his definition the way he has been going on is that he knows she is/might be messing around with someone else. It implies that she is a slut or something for having a relationship with someone else. Again why does he care? Unless he is emotionally invested.

It seems if he goes hot and cold on her. Thats never a good thing in my book. If I ever had doubts about my husband and I expressed them to him, he wouldnt be so dismissive of me as your husband has been to you. 

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