(Closed) I think my husband may have a crush on his coworker (UPDATE)

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

This whole thing is so sad! He has done nothing wrong! He has nothing to apologize for. I talked about my boss all the time for years. I spent 40 hours a week literally touching elbows with him in surgery. Of course we knew about each others lives, we were a part of each others lives. We spent 40 hours a week together! You built a narrative in your head and everything he does you read in to your own narrative. PEOPLE SEE WHAT THEY LOOK FOR! Nothing seems amise here to me.

If my FH asked me if I had a crush on a coworker I would be upset and yes, it would be his problem for thinking that because I would have done nothing wrong! If I said the same to my FH he would be upset. Maybe not all people would. But I would and he definetly would. Not all personalities and people are the same.

If your Darling Husband found out about these threads and what you are saying how would he respond? If I found these from my SO I would be mortified and legitamately end the relationship because at this point there is no trust. You are taking advice from internet strangers who seem intent on planting seeds of doubt and seeing issues where there are none.

Post # 47
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Even if he does have a crush, if it doesn’t go further than a crush then unfortunatley there’s not much you can do. It’s on him to recognize that he has a crush and on him to make sure he behaves appropriately. I had a small crush on someone a while back and once I identified my feelings and realized they could be problematic, I made sure I distanced myself from this person. That’s what your husband should be doing if he realizes he has a crush on Amanda. Distance himself and remain professional. I think for the moment try to put it out of your head, you did nothing wrong by bringing it up and hopefully it’ll make him think about his potential feelings or behaviour and make sure he keeps himself in check. Try to trust him and trust in your relationship. If he does end up cheating on you then there’s unfortunately nothing you can do to prevent it anyway, but worrying about something that may never happen will just make you miserable. Trust him unless you end up having a real reason to feel otherwise. 

Post # 48
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

ariesscientist :  people are advising her to turn up at his office unannounced!  This is an actual marriage and it is going to be ruined based on very little information if the OP follows the advise of her threads. 

Post # 49
162 posts
Blushing bee

If my paraner randomly (to me) just asked if I have a crush on a  co-worker. I would assume they were asking if I was sleeping with them. I would be very defensive and upset. Maybe after a while we could discuss why he feels that way. But no I would not be assuring them or apologizing at least on the spot.

And if my partner would start to show up for suprise lunch or happy hour I would not be happy. Neither one of us have ever worked in space where spouses were invited to any work event such as holiday parties. If it happened to a co-worker I would assume that they had very unhealthy and controlling relationship. I don’t know if your husband has a crush or affair but I’m not also seeing massive red flags.

Post # 50
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I dont have much to add but I think being defensive when questioned is entirely reasonable, especially if you have not done the thing. He did also say he was sorry you had been made to feel like that and that he just wanted you to be happy and was upset. If I was questioned and made to feel bad about something I hadn’t done, I would be unlikely to profusely apologise. His reaction seems entirely appropriate and decent to me. 

Rather than suddenly stalking him at work like a weirdo, as some have suggested, why not have another frank chat and just say you know what, I’d love to meet Amanda and may be you can all have a night out together – it will make you feel better and you can be honest about that.

I don’t think your mad to feel as you do. But I do think it’s likely there is nothing going on. Don’t just brush it under the carpet and let it become a simmering unspoken unresolved issue though. Try and make something positive out of it. 

Good luck! xx

Post # 51
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

toomuchdiva :  is it a tiny bit possible that you subconsciously want out of this relationship so you are looking to create a narrative that will allow you to do so without guilt? I’m truly not saying this to be unkind, nor am I saying that I think it’s the case, I just wonder if it’s a question worth asking yourself. 

Post # 52
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Sorry Bee. While I think a discussion needed to be had, just asking if he has a crush on her was unlikely to be productive unless you already knew the answer and were asking more to gauge his reaction.

That is how the conversation went with my SO – I already knew, but I wanted him to acknowledge it, and I wanted to tell him I thought it was innapropriate. I asked questions about her, why he changed when she left, and their contact. He spent most of the conversation downplaying and then backpedaling. So it was more for me to make the decision that I wanted to pursue couples counseling with him to discuss boundaries and having more transparent communication without defensiveness. 

Even if he does have a crush on her, you won’t find anything by snooping unless the crush has been going on for awhile and has escalated. Monitoring him isn’t going to make you feel more secure. The best that can be done is trying to open the dialogue about boundaries and respecting the relationship. If he isn’t open to that and wants to sit in the “I would never cheat” camp, then it’s going to be hard for you to feel secure.

And again for the record, defensiveness is not the default reaction for everyone when their partner expresses concern about them, so it doesn’t need to be accepted.  The couple of times my SO expressed concerns about me meeting other guys and leaving him, I never got defensive. I just explained how unlikely that was and how I don’t put myself in situations where I could develop feelings for another guy. Even when he said “It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s the guys I worry about,” I calmly told him that it comes down to me and what I do, not other guys. If he had brought it up repeatedly then it would have been an issue, but he had got it out of his system after that, and I do think my ease in discussing it helped with that.

Post # 53
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I also want to add, maybe he does have a crush. Maybe he got defensive because he has never had one while in a relationship,  and he feels weird admitting it. Having a crush while in  a relationship happens. You’re married, not dead. The issue is what he chooses to do about it. And from what i gather, his biggest crime there is talking about her.

Maybe it’s worth telling him that even if he DOES have a crush, you trust him to deal with the in a way that’s appropriate jto the boundaries in your relationship, and to talk about specific things you aren’t comfortable with. 

I think it’s great there are so many saints on this board who would never get defensive if accused of doing something seemingly out of the blue, but i definitely don’t think you should be getting more upset based on how a bunch of internet strangers claim they’d react.

Post # 54
4387 posts
Honey bee

I’m a little late to this party.  If this has already been covered, forgive me.

Why is having a crush a bad thing?  (Let’s assume it is a crush.)

You don’t go spontaneously blind when you get into a relationship.  There isn’t a switch that automatically flips the second you are in a relationship and suddenly you find no other human being attractive.

Attraction is a perfectly natural thing and people often subconsciously react to it in subtle ways (mimicking their stance when you’re talking for example).  

It’s the actions that people choose to take that matter.  My friend has been happily married for 17 years and has a crush on the bank teller who works next door and puts on makeup before we do a bank run.  My other friend has been happily married for 10 years and she has a crush on the new ad exec in her office.  I have to admit I was crushing pretty hard on someone who is in one of my hobby-related classes and I’ve been really enjoying the time I’ve spent with him – he’s cute and funny and fun to hang around.  But I wouldn’t trade my SO – he’s not perfect but I’m happy in what we have and I love him and think he is cute and funny and fun, too.  But I’m also not dead.  I don’t purposely seek out other cute, funny, fun guys but I will notice other cute, funny, fun guys who cross my path because there’s more than one out there.  What matters is that I’m committed to my partner.

So if you can’t trust that your partner is committed, either due to your own insecurities or due to other actions from your partner showing they aren’t trustworthy or committed to you, then a crush isn’t the problem – it’s merely a symptom of a much bigger problem you’re not willing to admit to yet.  And if you don’t have trust in a relationship and in your partner, the relationship is as good as dead eventually regardless of crushes. 

The crush is a red herring masking the real problem of either being insecure and incapable of trust (go to therapy) or having an untrustworthy or uncommitted partner (get a new partner).

Post # 57
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

toomuchdiva :  

Glad to see that there a few people here who are on the same wavelength. To be totally honest, nothing about your first post jumped out to me as a red flag. I don’t think it’s weird at all to want to dress well and impress a new supervisor. I also don’t think it’s weird that the same person (who he presumably sees for 8 or more hours a day) comes up often. When my husband and I talk about work the same people tend to come up over and over because those are the people we are in the most contact with. He works on a team with all women and connects personality-wise with one of them over the others, so he mentions her a lot – it doesn’t bother me. 

I think you blew this up a little in your head and so now everytime he mentions something about her warning bells go off. 

Also, IDK why it’s so weird that he isn’t inviting you to drop in at work and stop by for lunch, etc. Is that normal? I would never ask my husband to drop in on my job unless there was an actual reason.

And as for getting defensive when he was quizzed about a crush – I’d probably be a little peeved too if my husband accused me of having an inappropriate crush/relationship 1) ON/WITH MY BOSS and 2) on someone I’d repeatedly discussed disliking. If the tables were turned, wouldn’t you feel a little like your SO was being a little overbearing and jealous? I think it’s super irresponsible of a lot of people in this thread to tell you to randomly turn up at his job (or suspect him of something when he doesn’t invite you to) or blow up your marriage over a bunch of suspicion.

Post # 58
3667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

toomuchdiva :  I’m sorry your conversation didn’t go well OP. I think it’s normal for him to get a little defensive.  Even if asked in a non-confrontational way, my Fiance would definitely get defensive and I probably would too. I would just leave it for now. You’ve already discussed boundaries, he knows you’re concerned about his feelings towards Amanda, that’s all you can really do at this point. Unless you want to wait a few days and bring it back up to let him know where you were coming from and that you didn’t mean to accuse him but wanted to be sure he is keeping your relationship boundaries in mind & that you were just a little inscure and scared to lose him. It may be a good idea to see if he’d be open to arranging a get-together with Amanda. If your husband spends that much time with her, you might as well get to know her too!

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