I think my husband may have a crush on his coworker

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 121
Member
1495 posts
Bumble bee

 “she made a mistake in how/when she brought it up” yes we aready established that on this thead and the other one multiple times. And yet you berated and lectured her about it when she already said she brought it up at an emotional time, which wasn’t ideal. She’s clearly having a hard time with this.

I get that there is a time and a place for conversations like those, but she was emotional and it came out. Let it go.

And you don’t have to agree with others’ opinions on here, but saying “it’s insane” that others find his behavior concerning is dismissive and is merely your personal opinion. You can agree to disagree.

And a response is never “pointless” on the bee. I have every right to respond to a thread, especially to “dredge up” an ancient thread as old as a few days ago. Good day.

Post # 122
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Okay, just offering a different perspective here: when I got a new manager, we got along right away – first thing he noticed my engagement ring and we were talking wedding stuff (he got married 5 years or so ago and has kids now but still gets very excited about weddings). I’m sure I got home that day talking very excitedly about my new manager and how well we get along.

After a few weeks, we discover that we have similar taste in music – which very rarely happens to me. Like noone ever knows the bands I’m listening to. Again, got really excited and told fiance about it. 

I can’t remember but I’ve probably mentioned my manager a lot to my fiance. We work together, have similar interests (e.g. baking) and he has once or twice WhatsApped me in the evening about non-work related stuff.  He’s the kind of person I would probably befriend (and I might). And yes, he has probably influenced me a bit, for example I’m more often now listening to the music we both enjoy, because we talk about it, and he got me into coffee from a different coffee shop.

I’m sure you could present this behaviour as ‘red flags’, yet, there’s nothing whatsoever going on between us. Nothing. It’s not different from a female co-worker / friend. 

And if my fiance was suddenly confronting me about this manager, I would probably be a bit hurt and react similarly to how your husband did. Not saying that’s the best way how to react, but human beings are flawed and I can understand why one could react that way. 

Again, just offering a different viewpoint, obviously you know your relationship better and you can be the better judge.

Hope everything’s going to be fine!

Post # 123
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

skunktastic :  I agree with you that it was a mistake to bring it up in the heat of the moment. This is the sort of thing that should be brought up when there are no distractions, as a conversation and not a reaction. When you bring it up as a reaction, it’s easy for someone to become defensive and everything derails. 

I disagree with pretty much everything else though. This is not a situation where you are dressing up nicely for work and your husband accuses you of cheating out of the blue. This is months of you not acting as you normally would and your husband noticing these changes in you. The OP is upset because of a sequence of events for 8 months, not because a couple things happened in the past week or so. In the first case, you are absolutely right that it’s premature to bring something up, but I don’t think it applies so well to this particular situation. 

I know you have the best intentions, but I’m not sure what your advice was here. It seems like it was just ‘don’t bring up difficult conversations because he might get mad”, and I’m not sure how that is helpful. And as useful as it can be to speak to a therapist, not every couple needs to run to a therapist every time they need to have a difficult conversation. But I might be misunderstanding your advice here. 

OP, I know it didn’t go as you wanted it to, and I’m sorry. Which is why I really want to stress that when you have conversations such as these, it isn’t something that you just put off and put off and put off until you absolutely have to have it. By doing so, you become more stressed and upset, and then discussing it becomes a reaction that puts him on the defense and you as the attacker. What you want to do is have a calm conversation stating your reasons and asking for clarification. The fact that he flew off the handle could mean two things. One, there is something going on and he became extremely defensive and gaslit you, or two, there is nothing going on but he felt attacked and freaked out at you. 

Either way, I think that the best thing you can do at this point is go back to the original advice I offered. Sit him down, tell him something like, “The conversation we had about Amanda the other day was really upsetting, and I’m sorry that it happened the way it did. It wasn’t the best time to bring up my concerns, and I know that it made you feel attacked and hurt. However, I think it is really important that we talk about what happened here leading up to our discussion, so that we can best figure out how to move forward from here. When you started your job 8 months ago, I started noticing xyz. This seemed really different from how you normally are. I don’t want you to feel like I mistrust you, and I’m not accusing you of cheating on me, but it has seemed to me for awhile that you might have deeper feelings for Amanda than strictly professional. If that’s the case, I don’t think you are a bad person or that you are trying to cheat on me – just because we are married does not mean that we won’t be attracted to other people, and I understand that. However, if this is the case we need to discuss that and see how to move forward. If it isn’t the case, then we should also talk about what led to the idea and what we can do in the future so that we can become stronger as a couple. My intention here isn’t to shame or accuse you, but to work with you as a partnership so that we can understand each other better.” And then listen to what he says. 

Post # 124
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

becky90 :  That’s awesome that you and your manager get along so well! But I think it’s a different scenario here. This isn’t like her spouse talking about his manager and how well they get along and how much they have in common. This is more like if you got a new manager and you started talking about how much you like x music when never having an interest in it before, or complaining that your manager is going to go party in Miami and seem upset, or your husband suggests you take lunch to work and you freak out on him and it turns out you were probably meeting your manager for lunch instead. It seems like you enjoy working with your manager and I’m sure your husband can tell that while you are excited you aren’t attracted. 

Post # 125
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

strawberrysakura :  not saying it’s the same thing, just saying you can easily frame things in a certain way. OP’s original post didn’t had any red flags for me (and others posting here). It always depend on the viewpoint and sometimes it can help to purposefully imagine the opposite viewpoint of one’s own. 

Post # 127
Member
6779 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

strawberrysakura :  it’s clear that through text I am not getting my point across as intended. The OP didn’t seem that fussed about my initial response though, so I’m not going to worry about it or keep rehashing it. 

Post # 128
Member
76 posts
Worker bee

For what it’s worth, I can understand why you brought it up when and how you did. Yes it may not have been ideal in regard to time and place but it had clearly been eating away at you and this situation was the straw that broke the camel’s back and you needed to get what was upsetting you off your chest and in the open. At least you talked about it and even if it didn’t go as you had hoped, it’s a positive that he’s aware of your feelings. Don’t beat yourself up over it, I’ve done the same thing with my husband when something’s been playing on my mind. He loves you so he’ll understand once the initial shock has worn off.

Post # 129
Member
4791 posts
Honey bee

skunktastic :  No disrespect but you are way off base here. She may have stumbled a bit in her delivery, but the question she asked is a valid one. It’s one hell of a stretch to say that asking about your spouse’s feelings regarding a coworker introduces lack of trust. She’s not accusing him of infidelity. 

Post # 132
Member
2728 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with anonbee106 : and  sunburn :  

There’s rarely a perfect time and if you wait for it your resentment may have built up so much that you handle it poorly. It’s better to just talk through how something makes you feel and give them a chance to tell their side of things, rather than just wait and hope your feelings suddenly change.

Asking questions or saying that something makes you uncomfortable shouldn’t leave some indelible mark on your marriage. We’re humans, we have messy human feelings. They’re not always right but sometimes they are. Either way it’s a lot easier to talk them through rather than try to mind read. 

Post # 133
Member
11198 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

toomuchdiva :  

Then, he got a little heated up, saying he was so upset that I would even think that he’s the type of a sleazy guy to get office crushes and it made him sick of his stomach that I would think him capable of that.

 

Well, my, my, my. That is a pretty strong reaction from one who is so innocent, methinks. There mere thought that his beloved could even form such a notion made him run for the Maalox? Is he always so hyperbolic?

Getting office crushes isn’t what makes one a sleaze. Earning that title requires acting on those crushes.

You know how a normal, truly innocent guy responds?  Like this:  Huh?

Post # 134
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

Sorry to kick up an old thread, but 

toomuchdiva :  whaaaaat happened with this?

Post # 135
Member
10114 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Look up her post history there is a second thread beepboopbop :  

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