(Closed) I think my marriage is over :( Advice please?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 91
Member
2875 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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doglover2389:  I think the two of you would be better off apart.

Post # 92
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2594 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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doglover2389:  Okay, I can’t answer your question about whether to leave or not. What I can tell you is this: 

Depression and addiction are mental illnesses. No, you cannot take his behavior as “disrespect” towards you. That’s not only incorrect–it’s his disorder and while I understand it can *feel* like disrespect to you, it’s not. Moreover, it will also drive you nuts to think that way. 

There’s a lot of misconception about mental illness and the best way to conceive of it–really–is to consider it similar to having a chronic physical illness, like MS or cancer. If your DH had MS or cancer, you would probably feel just as frustrated and just as unhappy, but you would have to acknolwedge that his condition wasn’t something he was “doing” to you. This is true of depression and addiction. 

Now, please don’t misunderstand me–I am NOT saying that you have to put up with his behavior, and indeed, most people in your position simply can’t. And I’m also not saying that it’s excusable for him to consider overspending a “coping mechanism” or not take more active steps to help himself (although it may be a little outside his capacity to take those steps right now). And I can tell you that spouses of people with depression and other mood disorders are often told that they need to work on keeping THEMSELVES happy and healthy because although you can support your spouse, you are not their savoir. 

IF you choose to stay and to work it out, I think you need to do several things immediately: 

– You have to separate or otherwise control your finances. Since you are married, his debt and credit becomes yours, so you need to do what’s necessary to make sure you don’t both fall into some massive financial quagmire. Don’t do this without talking to him, but it might be that you’ll have to take over the finances and he gets an allowance. I’m not an expert on financial matters; I just know that since he can’t control his spending, something must be done. Speak to a more knowledgable financial advisor regarding this. 

– I would say that YOU need individual counseling to help yourself cope and that you BOTH need to go to couple’s counseling because you have to develop a language in helping you discuss how his disorders are affecting your marriage, together. 

– Yes, HE needs to also see a counselor and perhaps alter his medication (are you sure he’s taking it)? Do what you can to help him do that–schedule the appointments for him if you must. 

The thing about depression specifically is that for a lot of people (not all–and we are all different, so take this with a grain of salt) is that it tends to manifest as a diminished capacity to deal with stress. And like, everyday stresses that normal people don’t have a problem with, like opening mail and paying bills and cooking dinner. For some people, medication doesn’t make them “happy” so much as it helps them to confront these normal stresses. I mention this because if he’s not happy with his counselor or medication, sometimes it’s too overwhelming for someone with depression to fix that on his/her own, and you might have to help get the ball rolling, by researching therapists, making appointments, checking the healthcare premiums, etc. Does that suck? Yes. But for some people, that may be a necessary step. 

Please observe that I’m NOT telling you whether it’s appropriate to stay or go; I’m only trying to give you some information as to how you can conceive of your situation more objectively to help you make that decision. 

Post # 93
Member
5934 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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doglover2389:  You have a lot going on. I think there are so many things wrong in this relationship that it’s really up to you to decide how long you want to wait til things get better. I was in your shoes, to a point. I finally couldn’t take it anymore because it never improved. He was a depressed spender as well. Don’t listen to Bees saying that he should be able to spend above and beyond. Maybe you don’t have endless amounts of money.

And as for money for therapy, don’t you people have copays?

Post # 94
Member
1010 posts
Bumble bee

Even WITH insurance, copays can be expensive. With my insurance, my copay doesn’t kick in until I meet my deductible, which is $10k in network, $20k out of network. Otherise its $15-200 a session. And when you Make about $800/month, that is expensive. 

And as for a budget, with my ex, we set a budget. Yes, we, as in “I make this much, you make this much. Bills are this much, and this is what we have left” (which wasn’t much… like not even $100 left) but did he care? No. He had outstanding warrents for speeding tickets to paid that he used the money for an XBOX, the account constantly went into overdraft because he’d pay the bills… but not make sure the money was in there. Would give money to his dad, sister, etc, PAY bills for his dad, forget to tell me, and then suddenly got hit with overdraft fees. Sadly, I couldn’t get off the account until all that was paid up (by me, because he “had more important things to buy”. That is one main reason we are no longer together. Bills went to collections, a car was repossessed, it was a nightmare, because no matter how much money I’d put in there to cover bills (that HAD to be drafted, I couldn’t pay it manually) he’d use it for something stupid. Yes, I said stupid because I can’t for the life of me understand why it was more important to buy gaming consoles when you have warrents out for your arrest that would be removed by paying the $700 but refused to because “that isn’t important. I’ll deal with it later”. We’ve been apart three years, and he STILL hasn’t paid them… how do I know? Because of things that were still connected to us both (sadly, when you have joint accounts, you can’t just get off because you feel like it) and I had to pay them off for him to be removed, these things come up. Granted, I stuck it out as long as I could because I was terrified of him.. he threatened me, and my family, but I had no proof and was terrified to even try, since he knew where they lived.. and I wouldn’t have put it past him to go to their house one day and shoot them.. he was already running from the law, what different would that make? (All of that came out during the relationship, as I casually did a check on him on jail searches in our area and found out what all he’d been in for and what he was wanted for). So while that is off topic, budgets are importnat. Even if one person says “this is our budget” because they KNOW what is coming into the house, money doesn’t come out of thin air. I’ve been the person in a relationship with someone who made 4 times as much as me, but I ended up supporting them, because they gave their paycheck over to family and ended up going without lunch because I didn’t have the money to each (but he certainly ate good everyday…) that was my ex husband by the way… 

Post # 99
Member
880 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

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doglover2389:  

Your husband’s alcoholism was not a personal vendetta against you or an attempt to ruin your life. Do you honestly believe that your husband became an addict just to spite you? 

While I understand your concerns and hurt feelings, you are being very selfish when you talk about your husband’s attendance at AA meetings or giving up alcohol like terrible things he did to YOU. It’s time to decide if his sobriety is more important than your self centered “Why me?” attitude towards your husband’s healing. 

I’m not saying that his other comments and behavior are fine. They are not. However, problems in a marriage are never just one spouse’s fault. Your approach to your husband’s addiction is quite unhealthy. 

Post # 100
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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doglover2389:  AA is essential. At this point, he probably needs to go to a meeting 7 + times per week. And, no, you can’t tell anyone–even your partner–what they can and cannot do. 

Post # 101
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

He 100% has an addiction and needs help. But of course, you can’t force him to do that. If you’ve brought it up and he has absolutely no interest in getting help. Then yes, I’m so sorry bee, it’s probably for the best that you divorce. There is no helping someone like that. 

Post # 102
Member
4688 posts
Honey bee

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doglover2389:  No one sees that for their life. But if he did decide to focus, he would only be able to do so with the help of AA or other programs like it, staying away from situations that put him at risk, etc.

I know you understand that. And I bet that if he was committed to his sobriety, that you never knowingly undermine him. But we are allowed to mourn what we thought life would be like, even the trivial items. 

Be kind to yourself, bee. But do so with a healthy dose of tough love. I think you know what to do inside.

Post # 103
Member
2596 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

An active addict will always love his addiction more than you. I was married to one for 6 miserable years. My advice is to leave. 

Post # 104
Member
2119 posts
Buzzing bee

Some bees really need to get it into their heads that different things wrk for different people. You do what you want with your own money? Great! You set budgets and pool your money together? Great! No need to be so rude and judgemental towards each other because they do things differently to you! 

Likewise, therapy isn’t expensive for everyone. I get ten free sessions a year through university, so I use them sparingly. 

Post # 105
Member
10985 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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doglover2389:  

Your statement that you don’t want your husband going to AA meetings 4 nights a week is concerning.  That would be the best thing he could do for his addiction.

Please consider going to al anon.  It’s free & may help you cope.

Has your husband shown any willingness to go to AA?  That should be supported 100%.  If you can’t do that, it’s probably best to let him go. If he goes into recovery, that will need to come first in his life.  Please understand that his very life is at stake.

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