(Closed) I think my marriage is over :( Advice please?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 106
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn

Lots of feelings all over the place from everyone….wow…Let me just say that some people may not think that the $$ hes spending is a lot but not everyone has the same idea of budgeting or make the same so $100 to one is different to $100 to another person. People are so ignorant

I can’t tell you if you should leave him or not beause at the end of the day ONLY you and your H know what the relationship is like. You could give us situation after situation on here and everyone will just rip it apart so YOU will have to make that choice.

With that being said I have been through a divorce and I can tell you what I did to ensure I was making the right choice for myself. My H was the biggest liar I had ever met and I didn’t find out all this until after we were married. (maybe i was just dumb and blind with love, who knows). After I found out all his lies I confronted him about them. He said he would do better and not lie to me. He did good for a while then i caught him in MORE lies.  This was a pattern, find out lies, confront, apologize, good, Lie again. It was a cycle he had. I asked him to go to counseling with me–he said no, he didn’t need counseling and he woudn’t do it. Then it turned into me sleeping in another room and us never wanting to be around each other or do anything together. Then one day I asked him to talk it out with me and lets get through this. He just completely ignored me and walked away.

I could then honestly look at myself in the mirror and feel like Ive given it my best shot, I gave 50% and he isn’t willing to give me 50% back and I had given it time. you EACH have to give half and half because marriage is a partnership and one shouldn’t work hard than the other to keep the relationship alive

All in all, you have to be able to be honest with yourself and say that you gave the relationship your 50% and if he isn’t willing to also give 50% also and make this relationship whole then it isn’t worth it anymore. There has to be an equal amount of trying on both sides, not just 1.

If there isn’t even a kindle of hope anymore a fire will never spark back. 

Good luck Bee, I hope you can figure out what works best for you

Post # 107
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
ucsadie:  my logic with the money is that a divorce is way more expensive than an extra $100/mo on his hobby.  She said he makes more money so she’d be losing out on the increased savings by having a Higher earning partner.  She would also presumably be living alone (unless a roommate situation is possible) and rent/utilities etc will cost her a lot more than his extra spending.  So if it’s really about saving $100/mo then divorce is not going to accomplish that goal.  It sounds like a control thing.  Maybe what she’s saving for isn’t a priority to him.  Maybe he thinks that going to his job 40 hours a week should allow him some luxuries (she didn’t say they were going to lose their house/get evicted etc without the $100).  $100/mo isn’t a reason for divorce, incompatibility is

Both parties have issues here.  He’s an addict, she sounds controlling.  They aren’t compatible.  She needs to work on the control issues if she wants a healthy relationship in the future.  He needs mental health help.  

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by lisianthus.
Post # 108
423 posts
Helper bee

I also think that you are not compatible. I’ve read this and your other threads and to be completely honest, you both sound selfish and like each of you just want to have things your own way. That won’t work in a marriage.



Post # 109
361 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
lisianthus:  The extra money is for their future kids! Are you kidding me?? That’s a control issue? The extra money is for their mortgage! THEIR mortgage.  As in the house he also chose.  More importantly they agreed to this budget together.  Shit.  Why are so many not reading all of her posts? What do you think she wants? A freaking handbag? This woman’s whole marriage and life as she knows it is falling apart and so many people want to comment on video games and children’s game cards and nonsense when dude is spending the future family vacation, family home and oh I don’t know future actual CHILDREN’S earmarked money on an addiction.  Wow.  Seriously.  I read the whole other thread someone posted and it’s awful.  She’s tried everything.  Some of the respondants aren’t even in a marriage to understand what she’s losing! It’s totally ok and valid and understandable for her to be pissed that the man she thought she married is so very far from that.  It’s ok for her to not have wanted her life to be filled with AA meetings and counseling sessions.  Jeez bees.  Have some compassion and at the very least read the posts before commenting.  This girl is hurting and her world is upside down because of her partners depression and addiction.  She’s allowed to be totally pissed at the changes being hurled at her. 

Post # 110
1321 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply

Agreed. This man is not the husband she signed up for. Sometimes people can deal with that, sometimes they can’t. It doesn’t make her a bad person to morn the life and marriage she has lost. 

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