(Closed) I think my mother and I are done forever.

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 32
Member
4857 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Holey sh*t. 

I think you should (as a last resort) set up a meeting with your mom and a family counselor. Meet once to get it out, say that this is your attempt to make things right. It’s possible there was some misunderstanding that has grown into a big beast. If she is unwilling to go, then you can say that you hoenstly tried to smooth things over and she refused. What else could you reasonably do? 

I think you handled your aunt’s bullshit move with the card very well. How she’s not humilated at her own behavior, I don’t know,

Above all else, continue to take the high road. Do not give in to lowering yourself to their level. Continue talking to your siblings as normal, send cards etc. Eventually they’re going to see that you haven’t changed. Again, if they ask why you haven’t done “x” to fix things with mom, you have, and she refuses.

My mom can be very unreasonable as well, so I really feel for you in this situation.

I hope things get better. 

Post # 33
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sourcandy:  I agree…Cut all ties! and from my own personal experience. My eldest brother spread  jealous, malicious lies about me to my whole family regarding my mother’s death and money (go figure) Her and I opened a line of credit together many, many years before her death, to help me through my divorce. In the midst of her passing, my brother found out after going through her personal papers and he told the whole family that I embezelled or stole money from our “dying” mother, and he even went so far as to (while my mother was lying on her death bed) “notify the District Attorney” and have me prosecuted.

Evidently there was zero “evidence” to support his claims, but he turned everyone against me nonetheless…. and you know what…. I don’t give a shit anymore. I have a new family and new traditions 🙂 Cut those toxic people out!!!!

 

Post # 34
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@RedRose1979:  this might sound harsh but I honestly think your mom has a mental illness that needs to be treated before she can continue to be your mother. as it stands now she is toxic to you and you need to distance yourself for your own sanity. It can be hard to set up boundaries with our mothers but she contributes nothing to a loving relationship so there is no reason to have one at the present moment.

Post # 36
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@TwoStatesBride:  Great idea!!!! Just because you’re “related” to someone does not give them the right to emotionally abuse you!

Post # 38
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee

I want to give you a great big hug first!! 

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I feel like parts of your OP were so eerily similar to my own mother’s behaviour in the past. My advice as someone who has dealt with a “wacky” mother and her destructive behaviour? 

Let her go. Establish boundaries that you are content with for other family members you want to stay in contact with (your younger siblings, etc). Seek out a counsellor that you feel comfortable with. Because girl, you have to get out all that poison that has been crammed up in your own mind, all the pain and frustration and feelings that you have been holding onto about this situation. If it hasn’t made you sick yet, it will if you let it consume you. Take care of yourself. Spend time with those who make you feel good, with your new husband, with your friends who genuinely care about you. 

Before you listen to any other advice, you do have to decide what is more important. Your own emotional wellbeing or trying to “keep the peace” with your mother. In my own journey, I chose the former. Everyone has a threshold for dealing with the toxicity, once it’s crossed it’s over. Maybe you haven’t hit that point yet. Or maybe you have. Either way, you gotta take care of yourself.

Post # 39
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@RedRose1979:  I don’t even know where to start.

First, let me say that I have family junk- things that my mother has done- that has definitely made me not want to talk to her every again- and while we have a “constant” relationship- as in we talk almost daily, it’s not the best of relationships and we argue often.  She spins things and makes me out to be this bad guy.  And never once has she apologized for anything – ever- the only time I know I’ve made my point and I know she knows I’m right is when she has to go suddenly.  There are things that I don’t even know how I have forgiven her for, to be honest.

 

Your mom just may have trumped my mom though.  She is definitely over-sahring, that’s for sure.  I would expect she might talk to her husband about problems she is having, or wanting to vent.  But it’s like she has turned your whole family against you. Which says a few things- that your mom is plain mean, and that your family has heard enough that they actually believe her.  

Your aunt- sending that card- I don’t even know how you kept your cool.  I really don’t.  

I hate to say this, because I know it sounds painful, but if I were you, at this point- I think I’d write my mom a letter while I was calm and explain to her that after numerous attempts to rectify this situation, sending her gifts, emails, etc…..it’s clear that she has no interest in repairing your damaged relationship.  And I’d stick to your husband’s family.  

I don’t like to encourage people away from thier family- but seriously- I was floored as I read your whole story!

Post # 41
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee

@RedRose1979:  

 

Im sorry you are going through this. I would contact your siblings and any other family you still want to keep in contact with and tell them that you and your mom are fighting, and are not going to be speaking for awhile, but it has nothing to do with them. Tell them you still love them and still want to be close with them. See if you can take them out for lunch/dinner/movies and still talk on the phone with them. Warn them that you may not be around at family gatherings or holidays, buy you can have your own gatherings with them. They are old enough to understand, and im sure will appreciate the effort you are making. 

Me and my brother had a blowout a few years back and we have not spoken since. I said similar things to the rest of my family and most of them understood. I was really stressed about holidays too because they are my faorite and i didnt want to not see my entire family just hecause my brother would be there. I told my family i did not want them to to feel like they had to pick between seeing me, or seeing my brother. For holidays, i asked if i could come the day after christmas, or christmas eve (or whenever my brother would not be there) to come over and exchange gifts then. My family was a little hesitant at first, but now ey embrace it and are even nice enough to make a second christmas meal when i come over. They say its great because they get 2 holidays now. 

if your dad is not acting crazy like your mom is I would talk to him about all of this. he probably knows that your mom is lying. Tell him you dont want expect him to pick sides, and let him know your and his relationship has nothing to do with you and your mom fighting. See if he will support you seeing your siblings and could maybe take them all ober to your place for dinner every once in awhile for dinner and late or early holidays. I say fuck your mom and aunt, but just because they are crazy does not mean you have to stop talking to and seeing your family. 

Post # 42
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

As someone that has been through this I can only warn you that not everyone will understand your decision. Most people have an ideal family situation in mind and can’t imagine why something can’t be instantly fixed.  You;re going to have to learn to calmly nod and say something along the lines of “I hear what you are saying and I agree that family is the most important thing in life. This sitution wasn’t healthy for me but in order to explain it to you I would have to explain too much or bad mouth my own family. I will not bad mouth my family. If we can work it out, we will. Thank you for your concern” Or something like that because I promise you tha tall kinds of people will hound you with I don’t get why etc etc etc…..

You are the only one that can teach someone how to treat you and in this case your mom has gotten her way by treating you poorly. Don;t send anymore texts/emails that can be forwarded or taken out of context (my mom would do the same). 

If you have contact with her you must remain as calm as possible because she will try to provoke you. Just let her know that you are sorry she feels this way but you don;t think she is being respectful and you can’t deal with someone while she is being so direspectful. Mom, i am an adu lt and you talking to me like x, y, and z is unacceptbale..until you learn to be more respectful towards me I don’t think Ic ant alk to you.

Repeart, repeat, repeat

I didn’t talk to my family for 3 years. My Boyfriend or Best Friend still thinks it is because of one argumetn instead of a lifetime of hurts but it doesn’t matter to me. You know why?> Now that we are talking (family and I) they are 10000% more respectful and understand their boundries.

 

Good luck!!!

Post # 43
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sadly, you may have to be done with your crazy mother for your own sanity. Clearly, she felt like she was going to lose control over you when you got married. I have not spoken to my mother in years. I have heard that she has, for the second time, been institutionalized. I always said she was insane, and I was correct. I am soooo glad to be rid of her! All she has ever done has hurt me, so so many times. If your family is taking her side, then you may have to accept that and keep them at arm’s length as well. Sometimes, I truly believe that “family” is over-rated. I would rather deal with people I chose in my life, rather than those I had to deal with because they are of blood relation. 

I am at peace these days with the whole situation. Anytime I feel like another relative is controlling or using me, I will pull away. Life is too short to be abused by those who claim to love you, but their actions say something different. Take care of yourself. Block her and your family from Facebook. Change your number if you have to. Keep your sanity and move forward in life. If it is possible, keep in touch with any family that will hear both sides and listen to reason. I wish I could tell you that she will change and become a dream mom, but that is unlikely. If you can deal with the extra headaches and stress, then you can keep her in your life. Good luck to you…

Post # 44
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@RedRose1979:  I was going to but during the midst of all this, my Mother ended up passing away and NOT ONE of my relatives that he poisoned called to console me or say shit…As far as I’m concerned, that’s lower than low… I don’t need to explain myself to scum like that. I thought they were decent people, but hey, I was young and I learned…Sayanara.

Post # 45
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I just want to let you know, I am the youngest girl of 3 brothers, and when 2 of my brothers had a falling out with my dad I didn’t speak to them for some time, NOT because I didn’t want to, just because I was little and they weren’t speaking to my dad! When I got a bit older (16ish) They would call me and we would talk and I’ve been really close with them since. The only thing it did was make me angry with my dad, NOT with them! I always thought my dad is the PARENT he should be trying to fix things, not the other way around. Now fast forward to now, I’m 28, my one brother has passed away from cancer and my dad feels awful that for the few years in my teens he had shut him out and we didn’t have that time with him. Luckily since it was the big C that took him, we all had time to talk about this. Either way, the point I’m trying to make is that the only person your mother is going to end up REALLY TRULY hurting in the long run is herself. Your aunt can do and say what she wants, she is being a baby. Try to make sure your siblings know you love them and that you wish you could be there for them and everything should be fine. Either your mother will come around or she won’t and your siblings will get older and their relationship with you will be separate anyway. Hope this helps a little bit, and I hope your mom wakes the hell up and stops acting like a child.

Post # 46
Member
12246 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@RedRose1979:  Woah. The crazy train has derailed!

Stop talking to her, and give your whole family space. There is no reason to deal with that level of crazy!

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