(Closed) I think my mother and I are done forever.

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 77
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@RedRose1979:  This made me so mad reading this. If I were you I wouldn’t communicate for a little while. You should be happy in your marriage and not have to worry about this crap from her and her family. Keep in contact with your siblings and family you are genuinely close to, but give you and your mum a bit of space. She is acting like the 3 year old, not you.

In a few months I would maybe try to speak to her, ask her how things are going, etc. but keep it polite and don’t be a door mat to her. I’m sorry she is putting you through all that, it sounds like she is just jealous and wanted more attention for herself.

Post # 78
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@RedRose1979:  I would email all family and exain your side of the story and that you do not appreciate the gossip and that your mother is lying. Tell your mother that she has done xyz to hurt you and you are done until she can be a mature adult and then cc ALLL FAMILY! So she cant spin it. 

Post # 79
Member
4047 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Oh my goodness. I cannot comprehend grown women acting like middle school girls. It blows my mind how immature they are being.

I would tell send your mother a message saying you refuse to communicate with someone who cannot handle an issue and relationship like an adult so you are cutting her our of your life. It may not be forever, but it is definitely for right now. I would block her on Facebook and be done with her. If she comes back in a year and apologizes, I’d welcome her back as long as she doesn’t start this kind of nonsense again. If she does, cut her off.

Keep sending mail to your siblings and stay in touch with them. If there are any other family members on your side – do keep contact. But anyone toxic I wouldn’t hesitate to cut off until they shape up.

Enjoy your life with your husband and his family and have a kick ass time during the holidays without your family.

Post # 80
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I just made an account to reply to your post.

 

I went through a very similar situation with my father and his crazy girlfriend a few months ago.  The fact that your mom is continuing to forward your texts and e-mails to family members while spinning the truth is absolutley ridiculous.  And your Aunt’s birthday card? Come on, now. 

I’ve learned that you can’t change people like this – they thrive on the drama. They love it. If it doesn’t exist naturally, they create it. They spin others into their web because they need the attention. 

I agree with other posters above – don’t go to Thanksgiving/Christmas.  If you have to, text or e-mail your mom/siblings a month or so before hand asking what’s going on for the holiday. If they don’t respond until a few days before or day of (which i guess wouldn’t be surprising), it can’t possibly be your fault. If they end up responding, maybe make an effort to go there for dessert or something. 

Unfortunately, in my experience – the only way to save my sanity was to cut these people out of my life for good. That means blocked phone numbers, blocked facebook, no way for people to friend request me or message me. 

So sorry to hear you’re going through this – but at least you have your fiance’s family!  

 

I hate crazy people.

Post # 82
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m very sorry you are dealing with this. Although I have a good relationship with my mother, I grew up with a very toxic stepmother and a not so nice father. They have since divorced so I have a somewhat better relationship with my father but I still keep him at arms distance. Deciding to cut my stepmother out of my life about 5 years ago was the best decision I could have made for myself. I no longer speak to 3 of my younger half siblings because she has basically poisoned them. One of my younger sisters is my best friend and is not fooled by her mothers malice. Hopefully (someday) the others will open their eyes and see the truth. My stepmother still seems to bring me up here and there but luckily most people are sick of her negativity.

Sometimes it is easier to distane yourself from the drama than to try to convince people that you are not in the wrong all the time. It’s exhausting always having to defend yourself! Good luck and I hope you find some peace.

Post # 83
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@RedRose1979:  OK, please, please, PLEASE send a mass email to your family, explaining everything you did in your OP. Your family is more than just your heinous bitch of a mother, and there is no reason your relationship with everyone else should be ruined just because you have been lied about.

Anyhow, as I said, your mother is a heinous bitch. I don’t know how the heck I would deal with that, and I am sorry you have to. But there is absolutely no reason she should have a bunch of people siding with her, getting them to harrass you, and ruining your familial relationship without any public accountability for it.

Post # 85
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@RedRose1979:  Yes, but that is because they have all been led to believe you’re horrible. If someone who you thought had done a bunch of really awful things was suddenly like “let’s not fight, everyone,” you wouldn’t be too inclined to answer either.

Until they realize the horrible things about you aren’t true, they aren’t going to respond. 

Post # 86
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

As hard as it may be, you mentioned she’s a elderly. You’d hate for anything to happen and leave  things like this. If I Were you I’d be screaming from the rooftops going ballistic, but also try to e,pathos e with someone who’s little girl just got married, its a loss in some regards.

your step aunt though, pardon me, but utter cow. I’d pay her a home visit with all my emotions in tow, but then again it lowering yourself to her standards. You’ve got a wonderful hubby now and wonderful new family. Your family will always be your family, but you’ve been so gracious throughout the whole thing, I couldn’t do that! On the bright side, at least your not living at home with her…

Post # 87
Member
1345 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Cut your mum and aunt out, then I would tell the rest of the family what really happened.

Do your siblings have facebook or phones? If so, keep in touch with them through that if you like. When we cut FI’s mother and younger brother out of our lives, we unfortuately had no way to keep in touch with his younger sister and other younger brother. It sucked, but there was no way to have a relationship with them (there was physical abuse and attempted stabbing involved there, the police were involved, just a whole lot of cray cray).

10 to 15 is not that young. I am assuming the 15 year old at least has the freedom to make phone calls, maybe meet you on the weekends or after school ect.

At the moment your relationship with them is worse than having no relationship at all. It is all negative right now, and I don’t see them wantiing to work on things. They sound like immature drama llamas.

Post # 88
Member
472 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, even though she may be your mother she sounds toxic. 

I’ve had a strained relationship with my future mother-in-law. I haven’t spoken to her in over a year. 

A lot of my fiance’s siblings live either 3 hours away or on the other side of the country. They have no idea how their mom has treated me over the years and only get to hear her side of the story. I’ve never met some of them, and the ones I have met the time we’ve spent together is far and few in between.

To make a long story short, his mother is racist, malicious, and a self-imposed victim.

She has said many terrible things to me, all were completely unwarranted. Examples: “Your step-father could never love you because you’re not his child. He’ll always love his blood children more.” “I saw a pretty girl today and asked her what her ethnicity was. She said Mexican. I said you couldn’t be, all of the Mexican girls I’ve met are ugly.” “All Mexicans are gangbangers and steal.”

I’m Mexican. All of this was said on Thanksgiving at dinner. That’s not even the worst of it.

The last time I saw her she tried to hit me. She had been screaming at me and literally the only thing I said to her was “Stop yelling at me.” Then she raised her hand to hit me and Fiance stopped her. She later came after him telling him she was going to quote: “Kick is fucking ass.” 

Somehow she turned all of this around saying I tried to hit her and she omitted every other story that made her the bad guy. She called up all of his siblings crying making up stories about me. None of my FI’s family talks to him anymore. His sisters make passive aggressive comments to my Fiance about me all of the time. 

His father recently had a stroke and he wasn’t informed until later. His siblings made angry comments saying he doesn’t care about their dad and that I’m the reason he doesn’t come around anymore. 

I’m over trying to convince these people that I’m not the monster their mother has portrayed me to be. It’s their loss. In the end, his mother is a miserable person and I have many people in my life that actually care/love/support me. So I no longer waste my energy on them. 

Just concentrate on your life and building your happy future with your fiance. 

 

Post # 89
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@RedRose1979:  You said that before all of this you and your mother were close?

Look…I know is is the absolute worst nightmare and probably a very painful thing for you to do but you need to look at the big picture.  Your mom is 85…if she died tomorrow, would you be ok knowing you have left things as you did?  Yes she is being immature and conniving and seems a tad unstable and catty but SHE IS YOUR MOTHER.  DEEP DOWN SHE LOVES YOU.  There is a time in every daughter’s life where she realizes that she might need to be the adult and her parent the child…this happened to me.  It hurts, it sucks. You might still need more time but my honest advice would be to ask her to lunch or to go for a walk. Tell her that you really truly had no idea how upset she was during the wedding planning, that you would NEVER have done ANYTHING to intentionally hurt her.  THAT YOU LOVE HER. And that you yourself were so hurt by the things you heard and it made you pull back and feel like you lost your mom…. The best way to approach any fight is to not point out all the things they did, but to point out how what they did made you FEEL, hurt, sad, lost, devastated, worried, etc.  No one can argue with how something made you feel but if you point out all the bad things they did (forward texts, cut you out, not invite you) if puts them on the defense and makes for a wicked fight.  Then leave it with…something like look I know you are still hurt and upset with me and there is nothing I can do to change what has already happened….but I’m here and I love you and I’m sorry…  YES you probably shouldn’t be apologizing…yes she most likely brought most of this on herself…but as I said, seems like in this situation you are the parent and will thus need to be the bigger person.  I recently just lost my mom to cancer…I’m getting married in a few months…there is nothing is this world that I would want more than my mom standing there beside me on my wedding day….

If you do act the bigger person and she still continues her vindictive ways…then at least you know that if something happened, you will know that you tried.

 

Families are messy…chaotic….wildly crazy…but family is family and she’s the only mom you will ever have

 

hugs

 

Post # 90
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@RedRose1979:  I’m really sorry that they’re doing this to you. It sounds to me like you’ve done the mature thing and reach out over and over. This isn’t your issue, it isn’t your fight. If I was you I’d discontinue all contact. Not reply to anything until she makes a genuine apology. sending hugs your way. 

Post # 91
Member
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sometimes, the farthest you can go with a parental relationship is love them from afar and let live. It’s hard but it sounds like you need to walk away from a while. Screen your calls, delete their texts, delete their emails and move on with your life for a while. If none of them are going to speak with you and try and talk to you about this like rational adults, then they aren’t really ready to resolve the issue and they just want to be mad and be victims. Don’t be victims with them. Move on. Until they are ready to talk to you rationally there is no problem but the problems they’ve created.

 

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