(Closed) I think my SO is about to propose and I’m not sure I’M ready!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Talk to your SO. He won’t know if you don’t tell him!

Post # 5
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

The stage fright is normal!  SO and I have been having more serious talks about getting married for the past 7 months or so (also after a sad life changing event for SO), and there have definitely been a few times that I feel like ‘wait, am I really ready for this?!?’  It usually lasts for a few days, then I am back on the ‘I want to get married train’

 

I would just try to communicate as much and as openly as possible with your SO, and he should be doing the same with you.  I know my guy took a while to get comfortable with such open communication, but he really needed to start being more open with his feelings due to the aforesaid life event.  It really has been the best thing to happen to our already good relationship.

Post # 6
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would talk to him about it, and maybe talk about a timeline. You guys can get engaged and have a long engagement, especially if you are transitioning from student life to career life.

Post # 7
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

While you might not choose to see it this way, it is a mutual decision. You don’t get 30 seconds to decide. You get those months and years along side your SO to let them know where you are (or aren’t at).  It is good you recognize the difference between a marriage and a wedding, a lot of people don’t these days.

However, I sense that you need to do some soul searching. I know you’re “independent”, but you have to realize at some point, marriage isn’t about losing that. In fact the strongest couples I know, are ones that have realized, individual interests and strengths are important to the vitality of a long and lasting relationship (a long with shared interests and goals for the future of course).

I just want you to think about it before you 1) continue to give mixed signals or 2) put your foot down and tell him you’re not ready. Wishing you the best!

Post # 8
Member
2318 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@PopRox: You saved me some serious typing, cuz thats basically what I was about to say.

 

@MissHobbit: I’d also like to add, its very important to talk about timelines. Where do you see you both in the future? When do you see yourselves getting engaged/married? This is an important part of communication in every relationship to make sure you are in the same page.

Goodluck

Post # 9
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I definitely say have a very frank discussion with him if you’re not ready. And there is no shame in not being ready! I was with my Fiance for 2 years 8 months when he proposed. He’d been dropping SERIOUS hints about proposing around the time of our 1 year mark but I just wasn’t there. I was still in school about to graduated. I didn’t want to go from school to married, I wanted to get a job, get my OWN place (for once in my life not have to answer to a parent or roommate or ANYONE), and get kind of settled first. It was really important to me to prove that I could “make it” on my own with no one’s help. I was honest about all of that and I didn’t apologize for it… he knew exactly where I stood with the marriage bit (not yet ready). And honestly, it didn’t even take that long. By the summer after our 2 year anniversary (about 2 years 3 mo) I was ready. I’d lived on my own for a year and been just fine, I was making my own money, I felt steady in my job. And I got to drop the hint to him that I was ready. I feel like that extra year that he gave me made all the difference between feeling rushed and pressured, and feeling totally ready and excited. 

Post # 10
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

Well, if you know that you do want to marry him, but aren’t sure you are at that place yet, I think it is pretty important you communicate this to him, to avoid him thinking you don’t want to marry him AT ALL, if and when he proposes.

Another alternative is having a long engagement. Again, if you know you want to marry him, but aren’t quite there yet, being engaged is a good way to ease into that. You can say yes to being engaged and not plan to get married for a few years.

You really don’t want him down on his knee and then only having that 30 seconds to convey your sentiment. That would crush him. Be good to him in the sense that he is not in the dark about your fears/worries, and talk about it.

Best of luck..

 

Post # 11
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’ve been there! Well, not quite there, but Fiance was ready almost a year before I was. I was still in college and he’s been working for quite a few years. He brought it up in front of his boss and we had a really awkward conversation about it in front of him. Later, in the car, I told him that I loved him and I did want to marry him, I just wasn’t ready. Fiance took it pretty well (and then when I was ready, he made me wait like, a month for the ring after he bought it!).

I would just tell him, just be sure to be very clear on the point that you do want to spend forever together, you’re just not ready to start forever.

Post # 12
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MissHobbit: The first thing you need to do is communicate. Let him know that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, but before you guys can think about  a wedding and proposal, you want to get a few things done first.

If you have to be blunt, then be blunt. What’s worse? A rejected proposal or a very serious conversation?

Post # 13
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yes, I felt like you did – and was in no rush to get engaged or married even though I knew I wanted to spend m y life with my husband.

I think a big question that stands out in your post for me is where you say you feel you are not ready to “let go of your independence” – what do you mean by that? What do you feel like you would be required to let go of?

I’m extremely independent and wouldn’t have gotten married if it meant giving it up at all – also, I wouldn’t have seriously dated someone if it meant giving up my independence. If you just mean a vague stage fright of being “married vs. unmarried” – then I wouldn’t worry too much, I think lots of women and men get stage fright when thinking about marriage. It’s a huge step – you *should* be nervous and really think it through!

I think you need to be open with your SO – there is nothing wrong with not being ready to get married. I knew my husband was “the one” shortly after meeting – and he said he was dropping hints for about 6 months before he proposed (I never saw the hints or the proposal coming lol), but honestly – if he had proposed any earlier than he did (which was over 2 years into our relationship)…I don’t know what I would have said, because even though I loved him and wanted to be with him, I wasn’t ready to take that step yet.

Reassure him that questioning being ready for marriage isn’t you questioning being with him, and isn’t questioning your relationship – it’s just questioning if you are ready to get married. Marriage doesn’t define a great relationship, though I think it’s a great addition to a great relationship, when you are ready for it.

I also applaud you for seeing the difference between a wedding and a marriage. 

Post # 14
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Hi!  I had an out of the blue proposal from my ex hubby and was a bit shocked, so I can totally ‘get’ where you’re coming from.  We never really talked about marriage, per se, because I had always felt that I didn’t really want to get married.  I also am very independent so it was a bit scary.  When he proposed, I said yes because I didn’t feel right saying no, honestly. 

You are in a different place since you know you would like to stay with him.  If you feel that marriage is a definite with him then I would go with the flow and when he proposes say yes, but that it is conditional on a long engagement since you don’t want to take that next step ‘yet’.  If you aren’t comfortable with that, I would tell him now, without alluding to the fact that you know what he’s planning, that you don’t think you’ll be ready for marriage for a couple of years yet (or whatever your timeline may be) and then let him take it from there.

ETA: When I was married I felt that my independence was stifled a lot.  I didn’t like having to include him in every single decision I made.  Buy a new washing machine?  Need to run it by him first.  Going out to take a walk?  Better let him know where I am.  Cutting all of my hair off?  Should probably alert him to it.  That kind of stuff really bothered me.  But that’s because I wasn’t ready to include someone else in my life in that way.  It actually made me resentful of being married, even though those are normal things you do in a relationship. 

Post # 15
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

p.s. you don’t need to bring it up to him in terms of “SO/BF, I think you might propose, so we should talk…” or anything like that. Do you have specific things you want to achieve before getting married/engaged (i.e., live together in your own place for a bit, get stable jobs/careers, see if you two can balance a budget together, etc.)? If so, maybe frame the conversation that way. More like, “I’m looking forward to ____________ with you next year, and after that, maybe we should start talking seriously about marriage?”. I dunno, maybe something like that?

Tell him whats important to you. Good luck!

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