- 4 years ago
- Wedding: March 2011
The first time I posted on here (something about some weird “maybe” symptom I had), I was put off by everyone telling me I was making it up in my head. I mean, REALLY. How could I be imagining this? IT’S MY BODY, I MUST BE PREGNANT.
Then I wasn’t. Then I wasn’t again last month after much less symptom spotting, but admittedly, still some.
This month? Any time I feel a twinge, I immediately tell myself, “You felt that last month, you big weirdo.” Or if I find myself thinking, “Oh, I might be pregnant.” I automatically tell myself, “But you probably aren’t.” Even when I read threads here and other places that consist of, “Am I pregnant if at 5 dpo I feel…” I look at the symptoms and think, “Well, I had THAT, THAT, AND THAT last month, and I’m not….so.” What I mean to say is that, the bees weren’t wrong for shutting down my hope. I WANT people to dash my hopes now. It HURTS when you get your hopes up then you POAS and see…white.
But even with all of this hope bashing go on in my tiny little head, I’m still struggling. I’m struggling with the fact that if I don’t get pregnant this month, we’ll be out next month because DH will be away for three weeks (right during my birthday, first day of my new teaching job, AND my fertile window, mind you.) And also, this is the last month that will follow “the teacher’s plan.” You know what I’m talking about. Being pregnant throughout the year, and just missing the very end and having the whole, glorious summer with your new baby.
On top of all that, I crochet. And BABY business is booming. It’s very difficult to make all these tiny, adorable things for everyone else…but me. Sure, I’m TOTALLY glad to have the business, but it’s a reminder, “HEY, you’re not knocked up yet.”
I’m tired of being told it all happens for a reason, or your time will come. I just want someone to share this with, aside from my poor DH who has to be sick of hearing about it.
UGH, sorry this was so long.