Post # 1
Hi everyone. Boy do I need the bees more than ever. I think I’m FINALLY officially waiting. Meaning, I know marriage is the end result he is looking for with us. Tiny background…we’re both divorced, mature (40’s and 50’s) and I feel really OLD on these boards but nontheless here I am. LOL!
Up until this weekend I can say that I was waiting because I wanted to get married to my wonderful SO one day but I wasn’t sure if it was the end result he wanted. I’ve known for sure that he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and we’ve been making plans to move in together in the next couple months.
But, finally, this weekend I let it out and did what I would have considered “unthinkable” and “frightening” – I asked him if he had the same desire as me for us to end up in marriage. He fought a little, saying he wasn’t ready and wasn’t psychologically there becuase of his horrible marriage. I remained calm and told him I didn’t need to do it right now, but I needed to know if we were headed in the same direction or we couldn’t move in togehter, and I would have to consider ending the reltionship. I couldn’t believe I said that but I did. I put my big girl pants on and did it.
He resisted but then said Yes – that it was his expectation/desire for it to end that way. Said he didn’t want to feel pressured and wanted to get his home sold (he’s moving in with me) and had to get himself prepared and ready. Mostly psychologically.
But the boy said yes. And I was so proud of myself. Scariest thing I’ve done in a long long while.
And he’s still moving in. And I feel like I’m REALLY waiting. Now, comes the trick. I can’t bring it up all the time or badger him, and I won’t.
Any advice, kudos, hugs…..all are appreciated. I have a feeling I’m really going to be on these boards more and more. Before, I wasn’t “really” waiting.
Now I’m a real waiting bee….and we can say the “M” word…..
YAY AY YA YA YA YA
Post # 3
That is exciting! I know how it feels though to be waiting and think that you can’t bring it up all the time or nag about it. STICK TO THOSE GUNS! I’m pretty good about not bringing it up every day but about once a week I’ll make a sarcastic comment about how we’ll be in a retirement home before we get married (etc. etc.) and I reaaaaaaaally wish I wouldn’t! (Seriously, sometimes those comments just jump out of my mouth without a thought and then I always cringe and wish I hadn’t said anything right after.)
For me it’s more about trying to preserve the “specialness” (for lack of a more elegant term) of the engagement. After 7 years together it definitely isn’t going to be a surprise, either to myself or our friends and family, and we’re basically the last of our friends to get married so there’s no novelty there anymore. The least I can do is have the engagement come around organically and not because I nagged about it or had a breakdown. I really don’t want to be one of those people that gets a ring right after she starts crying about how he won’t propose!
So definitely come here any time you think your resolve is weakening! We’ll talk you through it! 🙂
Post # 4
That took a lot of guts, and I commend you for not just going with the flow for the sake of peace!!!! NOT bringing it up anymore will be hard, and I’d personally give myself a date TO broach the subject again, say like, the fall? lol Hopefully his house sells quickly and he sees that living with you is NOTHING like being with the “ex” blah haha And also that he realizes that he doesn’t want it any other way, and hops right to getting a ring on your finger, if he knows you aren’t trying to marry him immediately and are open to a longer engagement, that should take off some of the pressure hehee Anywho, welcome aboard the choo choo train haha 🙂 *HUGS*
Post # 5
Thanks thanks and more thanks. I’m so excited it’s finally out there. He even said the next morning after the “talk,” he said “you are a brave girl and that took guts – you’re a very special person.”
I did tell him during all this that I want to still look “like this” (pointing to myself) when I get married. I’ll be 49 in 3 weeks so I basically told him I didn’t want to be “in my 50’s” and still wanted to look good. LOL! He said “you’ll look great!” Seriously though, I lost weight the last couple of years to the tune of 30 pounds and I’m scared about gaining it back. To be honest, I’ve gained 5 back and can’t get it off for the life of me.
I like the idea of not bringing it up again til’ Fall – wish me luck! It’s very exciting to really really be waiting.
Post # 6
@prshadow: Congrats and welcome aboard! I don’t even know you well but I’m super proud of you for sticking to your guns and having THE conversation, we all know how hard it is. I also think it’s fantastic that HE commented on how brave it was =) In my opinion, waiting is only as bad as you make it. Personally, I had a really hard time at first; but after thinking about it in depth I realized I can totally wait because it will be more than worth it in the end. I didn’t want to be/feel crazy all the time and ruin the good time I have with my SO.
So hang in there because it’s very worth it! You’ve already shown you’ve got some major guts, hopefully this won’t be so bad! =)
Post # 7
AAHH That’s awesome!! I would recommend reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (she wrote Eat, Pray, Love). She’s a 50(40?)-something divorcee and so is her now Darling Husband and they were forced to get married for immigration after both swearing never to marry after their awful divorces. The whole book is how they took the year or so between forced to marry & the actual wedding to research marriage and come to terms with getting married again. I think it could be really helpful in helping you understand your man, as well as it raises some really interesting questions about marriage. I’m only halfway done but I am IN LOVE with this book! She’s such a witty author too so even if it wasn’t about marriage it would be a super fun read.
Post # 8
Thanks for the kudos on my “guts” – I’m kinda’ proud of myself. And, I loved Eat, Pray Love so I will definitey get that book. I’m 48, my SO is 55. So we’re certainly “mature.” Yet in love for sure. I know I picked the wrong man the first time for various reasons, and now I’m so happy that I met my wonderful SO. I can’t say enough wonderful things about him. He’s my knight in shining armor. He does have “questions” about marriage and I actually loved being married… his situation and mine were different. I definitely still believe in love and marriage. I want to read this book for sure and get a different perspective.
My gut and my heart and soul tell me it’s okay to marry this man…. I do need to be sensitive to his feelings of being afraid. He did go through an awful, horrible marriage and even the ending of it was unpleasant. This woman was a real nut job – a borderline personality freak.
Thanks to all !!! One day – I shall now patiently wait. With a little help from the bees.