Post # 1
Soooo DH and I have this friend who we’ve known for almost 5 years now. He was the best man in our wedding AND he currently lives with us. So we’ve had a pretty close relationship (although becoming roommates with him has caused strain). ANYWAY, we’ve always wondered if he’s gay. NOW because of something that happened this morning, I’m almost CERTAIN that he’s gay. He definitely had another male stay over last night. I think he was trying to sneak the guy out early this morning, but I was already up and about. He did introduce me to the guy, but I could tell that both him and the guy were very uncomfortable. He didn’t introduce him as his boyfriend/SO or anything. Just told me his name.
I just wish that he would TELL us. I always thought we had a great friendship. DH & I have always been honest and told him very personal things that we’re not comfortable telling most people. He KNOWS how we feel about homosexuality – that we’re completely accepting of it and support gay marriage. He KNOWS that someone’s sexual orientation doesn’t change how we feel about him/her. We have had SEVERAL conversations about these things. But it’s still like he’s too scared to tell us – like we’ll judge him or something because of it. I want to talk to him about it, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t want to be like “So was that guy your boyfriend?” and be totally off the mark. I don’t want to offend him or upset him or make him think that we are judging him. And I definitely don’t want to have this awkward conversation where I’m basically telling him that we know he’s gay and are okay with it if we happen to be WRONG and he actually IS straight. I just want him to be comfortable enough to be himself instead of feeling like he has to sneak people out of the apartment.
Sooo….should I say something or just leave it be?
Post # 3
@dayl20: don’t say anything. No matter what his sexual orientation is, and no matter how close you are to him, it’s none of your business until he decides on his own to be open about it. If he is gay, he may not have told anyone yet. This is about him, not you. So don’t turn it into something about you by acting offended that he hasn’t confided in you. He will when he’s ready or when he chooses to. Support your friend by not calling him out.
Post # 4
+ a million
One of FI’s best friends is gay. We’ve known for years (he came out to me), but he has never come out to Fiance (as in, “Hey, Coach, I’m gay”). Let him be.
Post # 5
@dayl20: with no offensI intended, it is absolutely none of your business. Sexual preferences are a personal thing and just because you are open minded doesn’t mean he is comfortable sharing. He is still trying to come to terms with it most likely. You shouldn’t say anything at all, do not hint, do not insinuate. This is a conversation that he should start if/when he is ready to.
Post # 6
@dayl20: leave it. he most likely hasn’t told parents so if he tells you, maybe he’s afraid Word will get around. He could also be very confused and while you’re close friends, he must want to figure it out alone. I agree with all the PP’s.
Post # 7
I must agree with all the previous ladies. It really isn’t your business. He may still be coming to terms with it or he may just not feel the need to discuss his sexual orientation with anyone as it shouldn’t have any bearing on anyone other than him and his partner(s).
You’ve done what you can as far as letting him know you won’t judge him. The rest is up to him.
Post # 8
Thanks for the advice. I think I’m just gonna leave it be. I was just unsure because he asks us extremely personal questions all the time, some of which I thought were a little too personal, but we always answered honestly and never got mad at him.But I can see where this is different. I’m not really offended that he hasn’t told us. I just want him to feel comfortable since we do share an apartment. I would hate to feel like I had to sneak around in my own apartment.
Post # 9
@dayl20: I agree that you shouldn’t say anything. Maybe he doesn’t even know for sure if he is gay or not. Bringing it up will just make everyone uncomfortable. Wait for him to tell you.
Post # 10
he hasn’t told you because it’s not your business/he isn’t ready/he doesn’t want to. definitely don’t pry
Post # 11
Meh I don’t feel sexual orientation is something you have to announce to people, whether you are comfortable with it or not. I mean, did you explicitly announce that you were straight to him? The best thing would be to just let it be and if there are any issues in his personal life that he wants to discuss with you, he will seek you out when he is ready.
Post # 12
I don’t know, I’m going to play devil’s advocate and say that, if he asks you regularly about your intimate life, I don’t see why you can’t tactfully ask him about his. I wouldn’t come right out and ask “are you gay?” but I might ask him pointedly more about the gentleman who stayed over. It’s possible that he’s just reached that point where it’s awkward to come out and say “I’m gay.” Who knows, maybe he would appreciate you creating an easy opening for him to come out to you. Anyway, clearly I’m in the minority, but if you’re good friends and he actually brought a houseguest home, it seems like maybe he’s inviting conversation about this on some level. I’d hate to see your friendship constricted because of awkwardness on both sides when you could grow your friendship by stepping up and asking something. Obviously you don’t want to push him to come out if he’s not ready (so I wouldn’t say “are you gay?”), but I don’t see anything wrong with providing easy opportunities for him to share if he wants to.
Post # 13
Wow everyone is being kinda harsh IMO. I get where you are coming from OP. I understand he may not be ready to tell you, and that’s okay, but I’ve been in your situation and know how it feels. When I was in your shoes I was kind of “hurt” in a way cause I wanted him to feel like he could trust me as one of his best friends. The idea that he thought I might be turned off or not accept him nearly broke my heart! I didn’t care either way obviously, but didn’t want him to feel he had to hide a huge part of himself. I think you are a great friend, and will just have to wait until he brings it up and feels ready (if he ever does) to tell you. It’s possible he’s still questioning and struggling with it himself. Best of luck!
Post # 14
I know that it must be hard since you are such good friends, but he probably just isn’t ready to come out or isn’t sure of himself right now. I’ve had close friends that I knew were gay for years but have only recently come out because they felt like they were wrong (that’s the joy of living in Alabama). He knows that you support him and that’s great. If he is gay he will come out to you in his own time.
Post # 15
Thanks for the advice. I do kind of feel that since he can ask personal questions that technically “are none of his business” without us getting upset and answering them honestly, then we should be able to do the same without offending him.
It’s nice to know that at least someone understands how I feel. While I understand why people are saying it’s none of my business, since we are so close friends I wish he’d feel like he could come to at least one of us. Like I said, the things that he’s asked us about are “none of his business.” I guess I feel that we are so open with him, and wish he felt he could be the same way.
Post # 16
@dayl20: Don’t say anything and leave it. It doesn’t matter whether or not he is, it is not in your place to call him out.
Support him as a friend, no matter what he is. Do understand it is a sensative topic for a lot of people still, so please respect these boundaries for now.