(Closed) I think the Bride is being unreasonable

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Lol, wow… You’re totally not being unreasonable. You have to find her shoes?? WTF. I would be very upfront with her and just ask where the money is going to come from. I would also try to get it upfront, because I’m not sure she’s the type to pay it back.

If the list is too much for your schedule, tell her that, too. You’re her bridesmaid, not her wedding planner. Sheesh, lol.

Post # 4
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

You aren’t being unreasonable. And she’s nutz for not doing any of these things yet. I would also assume she is expecting you to pay for her shoes, Out of Town bags and decor in addition to running around and getting it all.

If I were you, I would talk to her about it. Just say the truth that you are happy to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but didnt’ realize she would ask you to do so much and are unfortuantely too busy at this time for the tasks she’s given. Also say that you don’t have the $ to front the expesnes (making it sound like you are assuming she would ultimately pay). There’s no reason for her to argue with you since it’s HER wedding and she should really be in charge of all this. It would be nice if her BM’s didn’t care and would happily take on these tasks, but really the only actual obligation you have is to show up on the wedding day.

By The Way, $300 for a dress is she crazy??

Post # 5
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I agree with jo.lee.  It would be a different story if you volunteered to help her with some of these tasks, but it is completely unreasonable for her to tell you to do it – and it almost sounds like she IS thinking you will pay for it!  What is that?!

If you don’t mind doing these things (which you are NOT obligated to do), then I would ask for the money upfront so you know what kind of budget you are working with.  Otherwise, I would just tell her you cannot organize all those things because you are just too busy.  She cannot expect you to put your life on hold to get all her stuff done – just because she is too lazy to do it herself.  And if she can’t get out of town bags organized herself (for example), then she doesn’t have to have them.  This is her wedding to plan – not yours!

I really hope this works out for you because this is a crappy situation to be in!

 

Post # 6
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@moderndaisy: this sounds extremely similar to a wedding my friend was jsut a bridesmaid in this past saturday….and it only ended in shame…if i were you, as i told my friend but she didnt do it, i would be upfront with the bride and if she still expects you to do all the things that she is supposed to take care of, then i’d politely step down….its her wedding, and while your their to support her, she cant expect the role of bridemaids are to plan the wedding for her….thats what wedding planners are for.

Post # 7
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ditto to all above.  I just can’t imagine where a bride thinks it is okay to use bridemaids as slave labor.  I have been a Bridesmaid or Best Man 6 times and I have never been asked to do anything but get a dress and show up.  Nutso!

Post # 8
Member
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

She’s way, way, way unreasonable. I’m so over brides who don’t understand that their BMs have lives too.

First of all, just say no to things that you can’t do or do well. Be very clear: you’re doing her a favor by being honest–because she shouldn’t rely upon you if you can’t commit to doing something. And you can say to her as much: “I’d hate to say I can do xyz and then not be able to come through for you.” If she demotes you off the Bridesmaid or Best Man team, then so be it (rude, but what can you do?).

And second, make it crystal clear who is paying for what. I don’t think you should have to pay for ANY of it. If you agree, then ask her if she’ll supply you with credit card information or how payments are to be handled. She can give you signed checks, she can give you cash, she can get a special wedding credit card for her BMs to use, but if she’s flighty DO NOT–I repeat–DO NOT allow her to rope you into paying for stuff with the expectation she’ll pay you back. That’s a disaster. And if she refuses to put the money up front, then tell her the truth: you don’t have the capital to be paying for this stuff, so if she wants it, then she’s got to pay for it.

Post # 9
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow, sounds like she should be on “Bridezillas!”

I don’t get the thought process of some brides that bridesmaids are responsible for helping plan and execute the wedding. If you want to help, that’s awesome! But this isn’t your wedding– so it isn’t your responsibility to plan it. Your only responsibility is to show up on the wedding day in the outfit she has chosen. That’s it– and it seems that you’re fully prepared to do that.

Definitely tell her that you’re not going to be able to do everything that she’s asked of you, and if you do help with anything, (like other PPs said) don’t purchase anything with the expectation she’s going to pay you back– she probably expects you to pay for all this stuff too.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re definitely not being unreasonable.

Post # 10
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

That is insane. Her shoes?!  Really?

I agree with other folks that you should talk to her, but I would also say talk to the other bridesmaids.  If they are all also upset, it might be better for everyone to approach her at once instead of 4 seperate people coming up. Maybe bring her a contact for a wedding planner?  Cause this girl sounds like she needs one and stat.

But if you’ve already gotten your dress, I wouldn’t back out of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  But do NOT do these things for her. 

Post # 11
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I don’t think it is the BMs jobs to plan the wedding. It’s not the BMs wedding it is hers! She is asking for too much.

Post # 12
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Whoa, she wants you to find her shoes?!

I’m going to suggest saying this to the bride:

“I’d be happy to help you with [insert things you would actually be happy to help with], but I’m unable to [insert things you can’t do like pay for everything or run around at the last minute] because [insert the real reasons you can’t do x, y, and z].”

Just be honest and firm with her. I’m sure you can find a way to help make her wedding special without starting a fight. It sounds like she doesn’t really have a lot of passion for some of the things you listed so helping her knock things off of the list shouldn’t be too hard. For example, just run into TJ Maxx and grab the first nice weddingish pair of shoes you see.

Post # 13
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

That’s insane!!  I’ve been a Bridesmaid or Best Man once and a Maid/Matron of Honor once.  My only duties were to plan the shower, get my dress, and help with mailing invitations.  It was always my  understanding that BMs help with some of the manual labor, but it’s certainly not their role to actually plan the wedding with (or in your case, FOR) the bride. 

Eek.

Post # 14
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would have laughed if any of my friends had asked me to do that kind of stuff for their weddings.  Laughed hard.  For my friends weddings I have climbed ladders hanging lanterns in crazy heat, tied a million ribbons, stuffed bags, strung tiny lights in a big tent, set up chairs. folded programs..the list goes on and on but all of these were things that the bride planned and paid for and asked for our help to execute.  Never has there been an expectation that we would plan, pay for and accomplish things on our list.  And I’ve never been asked to buy shoes for someone else.  

Your friend is being ridiculous.  You need to talk to her and tell her what you are willing to HELP her do, not do for her. 

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