(Closed) I think the wedding is officially off…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It seems that you already know what to do. A sad situation, but you sound strong enough to recover and do awesome things in a place that makes you happy. Best of luck where ever things take you and lots of hugs.

One thought: how would you respond if your “well I guess this is it” shocks him into action enough to try and make you happy? What would make you stay? Immediate action or just a promise of change?



Post # 4
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

First of all, i want to give you a big hug! I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine that your situation is simply heartbreaking, and I hope you know that there are lots of people out there who are here to support and encourage you. 

In terms of advice and words of wisdom, I would say it’s time to evaluate your own priorities, independent of your Fiance, which it sounds like what you’re already doing. What are the absolute MUSTS in your life with your FI? Having the freedom to one day peruse a particular educational or career path? Living in a certain city/area? Having children? Be honest with yourself and list those key things that you really want for you life and your future. If these things are truly important to you, then you have to communicate them to your Fiance. These things won’t just happen on their own, and so you and your Fiance need to be working toward them together.

From what you’ve described, it sounds like there’s a possibility that your priorities won’t be compatible with your FI’s priorities. I don’t want to judge your Fiance since I don’t know him (though I wish he was doing more to help you in your difficulty adjusting to life in a new city), but it sounds like his priorities are very much focused on himself and his future and don’t really take into consideration his relationship with you or what you want. Ultimately, then, it may come down to having to walk away. If you each have priorities that are essentially contradictory, a relationship may just not work. Or if you do stay together, one (or both of you) may end up harboring a lot of resentment.

Consider a couple in which one person wants children and the other doesn’t. There’s no way to compromise in such a situation,–they’ll either have children or they won’t–and one person will necessarily have to give up what he/she wants. Unless one of the people genuinely reevaluates and re-prioritize what he/she wants, one member will probably end up resenting the other.

Now ask yourself: if your priorities aren’t met, will you resent your FI? Can you be happy with a life in which you don’t have the things you identify as important to you? Your Fiance should ask the same of himself. If the answer to these questions is “no,” and your Fiance isn’t willing to incorporate fulfilling your priorities into your future together, then it may be time to end the relationship. You don’t want to be with someone who can’t help meet your priorities, and you certainly don’t want to be with someone you’ll feel really angry towards in ten or twenty years because he didn’t help build the life you want. You deserve to be with someone who cares just as much about your dreams as his own and will work to make them a reality.

I wish you all the best! Although I haven’t personally experienced these struggles in my relationship with my Fiance, and I have struggled with living in a new and really difficult city. Feel free to PM ever if you need support.

Post # 5
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I;m so sorry you’re in this situation. I agree with you about counseling, particularly since you do sound like you’re suffering from depression. I don’t know how much counseling will help you Fiance who isn’t at all willing to compromise. I don’t think that you should marry someone who is never going to be willing to compromise in order to make you happy, that’s part of what being in a relationship is about – give and take. Sounds like all he wants to do is take. For the sake of your future happiness, I think you really need to get out.

Post # 6
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry.  🙁    You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I think you will be just fine when you start over.   It is so hard to pick up the pieces, I’ve been there before, but the happiness on the other side was worth it.

Post # 7
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but it sounds like you are a very strong woman who knows what she wants. Others have said it, but I agree that you need to figure out what your prorities are and what his are and how they line up and go from there. No one should ever have to be miserable and feel like there is no ability to compromise in their relationship.

Post # 8
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

What you are seeing now is what your future will be.  It sounds like you don’t want what you have now.  Though it feels crappy right now, it is a great thing that you are smart enough to figure this out now rather than later.  Trust me!

Post # 9
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011


So sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you are making the absolute right decision.  There are no villains here, which in some ways makes it harder.  It’s good that he’s being honest with you, not making promises that he has no intention or ability to keep. It’s also incredibly impressive that you are as clear-eyed as you are about the situation, not deluding yourself that things will get better once you get married.

I wish you the best of luck in finding true happiness for yourself.

Post # 10
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s good tht you’ve decided to do this before it’s too late. There are people who go on with weddings just because they feel they have to. It takes a strong person to say “no” to something they know isn’t going to make them happy. I can’t imagine being with someone for the rest of my life who doesn’t care about how I feel and my well being. Before my fiance and I stated dating, he was a total partier with a record of fighting, and a job jumper amongst other things. Lucky for him, I didn’t know any of this for the first 3 or 4 months we were dating. Slowly but surely it all came out, but by then we were already deeply in love. It was all a shocker for this girl. I never partied, never smoked, never touched a drug, never got in trouble in school. 

4 years and 1 engagement later, my fiance doesn’t drink, has a good job, hasn’t been arrested since we met, and is a total family man. His family is amazed by the transformation. It’s all because he didn’t want to lose me. 

You need someone with the same vision for the future as you do. If he won’t give you an answer, its because he knows the answer its something you won’t like. You need someone who wants to make you the happiest girl in the world. If I were you, I would give him an ultimatum. If he doesn’t chase after you, you’re obviously not as important to him as you should be. Take it from me, there are guys who would change their life around just for you. Good luck! 

Post # 11
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think you are incredibly strong for doing this. You’re aware that nothing is going to change after the wedding and you’re realiziing that the way things are right now is how it’s going to stay. It’s not making you happy. Something needs to change. He’s not willing to make that compromise. 1+2+3= you deserve to be happy. 

I want an update when all is said and done! I know you’re going to be 5489520123804x times happier.

Post # 12
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry dear. That’s really horrible and you are very brave to make this choice. I think the other girls gave you pretty good advice. If you don’t mind me asking though, what is his career that has to be done in only one place?

Post # 13
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sometimes we see life decisions as dichotomies where there are only two answers, but that’s not always true. I’d suggest trying to think about this situation creatively as a last ditch effort.

Mostly I don’t understand what possible career there could be which could only be fulfilled in ONE city in the entire world. I also think that every city has many different neighborhoods and atmospheres and maybe a change there could help you to be happier, even if it ended up being more “inconvenient” on the surface.

Maybe you could do long distance for a while. Maybe you could live in a city a couple hours away and he could drive up to the first city for a few days once a week or once every two weeks. 

Post # 14
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It makes me sad to read your post : ( . I can tell that you are hurting. I wish I had some words of wisdom that would help but I really don’t other than I honestly believe that everything in life happens for a reason and good or bad there is a lesson for you to learn. It sounds like you Fiance is very immature and for whatever reason just is not ready to grow up and be a husband. I think that you are very wise to deal with this situation the way that you have, putting everything on hold is probably the best thing right now.Either he will realize that he is about to lose a good woman and wants to do everything he can to make it work or he won’t.If he doesn’t losing him may be the best thing for you.Above all else love yourself enough to make you happy.

Always remember you are not alone

Post # 15
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It’s never easy breaking up but sometimes its for the best.  And when one door closes another door opens.  So maybe you leave and he realizes he doesn’t want to live without you and changes some things that are really important to you like moving someplace you like better and finding a job he enjoys but also pays the bills.  Or maybe he stays selfish and you meet a guy who is willing to make you the center of his world and give you all you want and more.

I think you’ve already decided your answer you just need to do it and save yourself the misery of going back and forth.  I’m sorry that it came to this but everything happens for a reason.

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