(Closed) I think the wedding is officially off…

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

“I don’t want to throw in the towel just yet, because I need to hear the last word from him.  If he comes back and says that I am worth working and fighting for, and starts showing me the ways in which he is willing to grow together to create a happy home and building our life together, then I think we can proceed to explore the future.  But if he still doesn’t know how he feels, and doesn’t really have an answer, I think that’s a sign, isn’t it?  I’m scared at what he might say.  Why, when I’m the one who started this whole thing???

 

You are brave and smart, and you clearly know that at this impasse, you will never reach the decision for him. He has to do it himself.

Whatever he decides, you WILL be ok. I assume that you would move back to a town where you have family/friends? In that sense, you will be gaining a part of yourself back (since it does seem like you are completely miserable wherey ou are now), even though you will be brutally losing someone else.

 

Good luck, lady.

Post # 19
Member
1163 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Cry. Sometimes all you can do is cry. And then you reach the “WTF am I crying over? I’m not dead. I’m healthy. I have wonderful people all around me. He isn’t beating me. We’re handling this situation like complete adults. Everything is going to be okay no matter what happens.” 

We ALL go through that. Whether it’s about our relationship, job, finances, family, etc. Sometimes crying irrationally is the only way to see the rational side of things 🙂

Post # 21
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@firsttimemom: Agreed.  You aren’t going to have the answers tonight, so try and get some sleep. You have done everything you can do.

Post # 22
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hugs!  It does sound like you both have a lot to think about.  But it also does seem like you care about each other a whole lot.  His text was very nice I thought. He probably feels awful for making you feel so awful.

I agree with everything Moonadea said.  Could you be happier in another part of the city in which you live?  If you both moved back home would you be financially ok?  I only ask these questions because I’ve been in a similar situation.  I followed my fiance to LA for 2 years and then to Chicago for 2 years (we are both originally from Dallas).  I was miserable in both cities for the 1st year….I had no friends/family for the first time in my life and it sucked.  We moved back home to be closer to those friends and family and its been even suckier, because for 1 whole year I’ve been searching for a job here (I just got one last week, thank god). We are both in architecture, so living in a city is a must…I do understand that.  

I know my Fiance felt awful for having us move all the time and I did feel resentful and like everything was “condusive” to his plan.  And I’m a very goal-oriented, career girl myself, so this was very hard for me.  But every time I had feelings like this, I kept asking myself “Would I be happier without him?”  And for me the answer was always “no.”  

I realized that home is where the heart is.  Or to quote Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros “home is whenever I’m with you.”

That being said, if you are having depression issues and feel like your career is being put on major hold because of  him….I like Moonadea’s idea of living long distance.  It could be exactly what you need to figure this all out.  Maybe you move home and start your career and realize you are much happier, or you move and realize you can’t live without him.  

I don’t know.  This is a tough situation.  Cry it out girl!  Wish you the best of luck. 

Post # 23
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I know it is nerve wrecking but do what you can to keep your mind off of him do something for you. Maybe take a weekend trip to another town or meet up with some friends. I know it may be tempting but don’t rush him….let him work it out good or bad it will work out and you will be okay.

Keep your head up!

Post # 24
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

i;m so sorry that you are put in this spot! your Fiance is selfish but i think because you have accept it for 4 years he thinks you will continue to follow up.  sometimes it takes a rude awakening. i dont know if counseling will work, because you havent done anything for 4 years, so try it anyways and if that doesnt work, move on with your life, he will eventually follow you up and he will try to work it out!  good luck to you! and by the way, it’s ok to want what you want, it’s ok to be selfish!

Post # 25
Member
1760 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Postponing is a good idea. And shortly after postponing, I feel that you should move to a city of your choosing. Live life there for a bit.

That will allow both of you to realize what is most important. Even for YOU. I.e. would you end up coming back to him irrespective of his city and job because you simply cannot stay without him, or vice-versa? Or will that encourage him to make some healthy compromises towards your relationship? There is only ONE way of knowing all this and that is to separate for a period of time.

I am very sorry this is happening to you. I do not want to leave the city where I am. It is closer to my work and extremely vibrant. My Fiance bought a home in another city where he works and lives and he is unwilling to move to my city because he ‘hates’ it. So I am doing the moving part. I will be 80 miles (ONE WAY) from my work, as opposed to my current 20 miles. Cry

Post # 26
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@anonymous625: *hug* Im so sorry this is happening. I have a friend in a very similar situation and I totally feel and agree with you here- that you must be able to pursue your dreams together, and that his lack of compromise is really what is causing you two to come apart at the seams. I feel like you both have alot of soul searching to do- it was completely my reaction with her, as it is with you, that partners must make compromises when it comes to our dreams- and I agree with another poster, I do not see how he can not continue his career in another place, and that its more inconvienant than it is impossible. *Sigh*. You seem like a very smart, capable woman, and someone who knows in their heart what they really truly want. I suggest you contemplate on what you want in your future, and what you truly want in a partner when it comes to how this situation will resolve itself. Sometimes we have to let go of our expectations of someone in order to truly understand the way things are with them. I hope the councelling helps you to better understand what you want, how you want your life to be, and that I hope it allows your partner to also better understand you as well. Good luck.

Post # 27
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind and that you are fishing to see if there’s a solution you haven’t considered yet.

I followed FH to DC to help him through grad school early in our relationship (we had been friends for a while before that). While there are a lot of things I like about DC, commuting from MD to the other side of DC everyday didn’t leave much time or money to really explore the areas or go have fun. I was the same way you are, miserable, depressed, defeated. FH and I got into a lot of fights about how miserable I was and we both had to reaffirm why we were doing what we were doing. I am fortunate enough to have my life tied to someone who considers “us”. Grad school was to help make a better future for us. As soon as he finished classes and only had his thesis left, we sat down and had many serious discussions about staying vs. leaving the area. I was so excited when we decided to take the chance and leave. We’re both so much happier being in an environment that is more us.

Your situation is different in that he doesn’t seem to be thinking about “us”. There were several times I had entertained the idea of leaving FH during grad school (we weren’t engaged then and I was freaking out over supporting someone for 3 years and ending up on the other side not being together or with the intention of being engaged/married). If I didn’t know him as well as I did and knew that his intentions for “us” weren’t just talk to get me to stay, I would have been right out of that door. When you’re that miserable, you have to do what’s best for you. From your post, this doesn’t sound like a spur-of-the-moment decision, so I say do what’s best for you.

Calling off the wedding now doesn’t mean that kills any hope of there being one in the future. There may be, there may not be. I agree with everyone, including yourself, that entering into a marriage with these kind of concerns is a really bad idea. Cancel the wedding, try to work on these issues (which are huge), and then see where you’re at. If he’s going to keep his heels dug in through this, then don’t expect him to budge or consider you in any future life decisions either.

I can only wish you the best of luck as you decide what the best steps are for you to take.

Post # 29
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I am sorry you are going through this.  Of course we can’t get the full picture of the converstaion from just one post, but it really seems to that he didn’t do much thinking at all.  It seems as though he didn’t really take the time to consider what types of sacrifices he would be able to make.  You said yourself that he had no additional answers – the same things he has always said to you about “maybe” we can move to this state or that. 

I know it is hard to hear, but he is choosing his career over you – plain and simple.  And not just an established career – a theoretical career that could potentially exist.  I know you have a great time with him and that you get along well, but I think the thing a lot of people fail to realize is that there are many people in this life that we could have satisfying relationships with.  I honestly don’t think that getting along with someone and having joy and laughter is enough reason to compromise your entire life goals.  And he clearly agrees with me. 

I know this is so daunting but he is not even taking your feelings into consideration at all here.  He says that he is, but to not even acknowledge your sacrifice does not bode well for what it seems you are looking for the in the future.  

I wouldn’t want to be “strong enough” not to resent him because that isn’t the way I think of being strong.  I would want to be strong enough to live my life the way I want to without regrets.

Post # 30
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@anonymous625: Your situation literally breaks my heart, and all I can say is that I just said a prayer for the both of you. It sounds like you both love and care for one another deeply, but there are a lot of things to make a relationship work. I’m proud of you for finally listening to the things you want out of life. Wanting a family, to live in a city where both of you can be happy, and to not always be the one to sacrifice…those things are not unreasonable requests. I understand too the desire to follow dreams of careers.

Perhaps through all of this and by following your own dreams that one or both of you will realize that the ultimate dream is to be with one another. If not, you’ll both be happier down the road and not have allowed resentment to become a tumor in your relationship.

I pray that you have peace, solace, clarity, patience, and strength during this difficult time. While I don’t know you at all, I feel so much for what you’re going through.

Post # 31
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@anonymous625: IF he loves you as much as he says, then he’d be willing to pack up and go to a place that doesn’t make you depressed.  He wouldn’t want YOU to be miserable.  

That said, you can’t sacrifice your life and happiness for him.  You’ll only grow bitter and angry and hate him for it.  The same for him.  

If you are both meant to be, then you could both go to opposite ends of the Earth and would find your way back to each other.  

You can’t force him to leave and he can’t force you to stay.  

My advice is to go to the college of YOUR choice in the state of YOUR choice.  If he truly means he can’t see him living his life without you, he’ll come to YOU.  HE will start trying to find ways to get you back because he means what he says.  

Picking up after a serious relationship is NOT easy.  It involves a lot of pain, hurt, anger, and lots and lots of tears.  ((((HUGS))))  You’re a strong woman, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a heart that’s breaking.  Keep strong, lean on family and friends, and do what is best for YOU.  Don’t stay where you’re going to be so miserable you’re depressed.  

One last thing:  YOU should be his number one priority.  Not his career.  Would you want him to put his career above any children you might have?  Would a three year old understand that daddy’s career is more important than him or her?

good luck and I’m so so sorry you’re going through this.  (((((HUGS)))))

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