- 13 years ago
- Wedding: September 2009
cousellor is a great idea as well – you need an impartial third party
cousellor is a great idea as well – you need an impartial third party
Just talk to him. You guys should already have an idea of how you (as a couple) want to raise your children and spend your freetime after you are married. Also maybe you should evaluate how much you rely on your mom when you make decisions. Are you coming to her first before speaking with your FI? It seems that he feels slighted somehow, since he has brought this up in the past. Did you make an effort to change your behavior or to understand his position? Are you sure no compromise can be reached?
If it is all or nothing and he is unwilling to speak with you than I agree that this will not work out. However before scrapping your relationship you should atleast attempt to reach a compromise. With my husband it was no more than one visit to my parents on the weekened. When I first got married I wanted to go over all the time 1 or 2x during the week on my own and both Saturday & Sunday. It was stressful to work out that schedule and my husband wanted to have time for ourselves. He also asked that we go over to visit in the afternoons as he hated waking up early on a weekend to visit them. I compromised and we are much happier. I listened to his needs and he listened to mine.
I really think the two of you should talk to a counselor.
I can definitely understand where your Fiance is coming from. I have often felt like I am only 2nd to my husband compared to his sister, and I HATE IT!!! It DOES cause pent up anger because you’re afraid to say anything because it does cause fights and resentment and hurt. I know I was afraid to say anything for fear that my husband would have told his sister, and then she’d have gotten mad, and if she didn’t like me, I was afraid he’d leave me for that reason because he’d pick her over me! I’m not saying that your Fiance definitely feels this way, but I would suspect it, especially since you’ve already proven that you DO tell your mom whatever it is that he tells you in confidence. This doesn’t excuse your Fiance from this behavior by any means, but I would just guess that this is where it is coming from.
Feeling like this DID cause outbursts from me over tiny stupid small things, not because I wanted to, but holding anger in causes it to happen. He probably was late on purpose because he resents the relationship you have with your mom. I also think it’s a legitamate for him to worry about a divorce if the same thing happened to his father. But that’s why you two could benefit from counseling. Of course it’s not fair that he thinks you two will get a divorce for the same reason as his parents, but the idea WILL haunt him. My parents divorced because my dad cheated on my mom. Now, I KNOW my husband will never cheat on me, but sometimes, in the back of my head, I remember being little and asking my mom if they would ever get a divorce, and she said "only if your dad were to sleep with another woman" and she was soooo sure it wouldn’t happen, but then it did!
I’m sorry, but your significant other SHOULD come first, and if you don’t feel like you can do that, I don’t think you should be getting married either, or at least not until you find someone that you could do this with. Imagine how you’d feel if he alwasy put you down and never took your advice, or sometimes just COMPLETELY ignored you when his dad was in the room? I’ve been there. It hurts, and you feel like your spouse doens’t respect you or trust you. Try to understand from his perspective. Now, it doesn’t mean you are breaking things off with your family and secluding yourselves together like you’re on some abandoned island and only the two of you exist, but his opinion should matter most, should have the most weight, and it should be him you go to first, not your mom. I’m not saying to never ask your mom for advice or input because mother’s do have wisdom that we haven’t earned yet, but I really think that your spouse is supposed to come first.
Good luck, and PLEASE seek some sort of counseling together!
i haven’t read the other comments but this is what i think, i think you made the situation worse by involving your mom and in turn having it turn ito a fight between everyone, when it would’ve just been between you two.
given that, you should never have to choose between anyone, and the fact that he is making you do that could mean a variety of things, perhaps he wants a way out and he thinks you would be so angry he made you choose, or he could be really fed up with dealing with you and your mom, etc
but with all that said and done, unless your mom has done something horrible to you, he should at least have been polite to your mom and showed some manners.
The cardinal rule of interpersonal relationships is egocentrism. Put another way, "It’s all about me." You think this situation is about how he doesn’t respect you or your family, but I actually think for your fiance it’s all about him and how he doesn’t like to be told what to do.
I think the entire situation stems from this comment: "Sorry I ruined your Mom’s plan to plan out my weekend." Your fiance feels like your mom (via you) was dictating where he should be and what he should do. He really doesn’t like this. (Well, no one likes being told what to do.) He was late in a passive-agressive attempt to show your mom that she can’t order him around.
Meanwhile, you, given your tumultuous family history, are sensitive to attacks on your mother. Whatever rancor your fiance intended by calling late and arriving late, you probably amplified tenfold because of this sensitivity. You describe your culture as one where not just two people but two families marry one another, so in this way you might view your mother as an extension of yourself. However, this creates a circularity that leads to the amplification of emotion: by being late, he made you upset because he was not abiding by your (reasonable) plans to spend the weekend with your parents. Because you are so close with your mom, you view this offense to you as also an offense to her (which is why you had the two of them duke it out). Then you become even more offended than you would have been because you are offended on your mother’s behalf. Then repeat the cycle and things get really out of hand.
I think both of you contributed to this problem. He needs to respect you and your mom, but you also need to respect your mom. You need to respect your mom to take care of herself—she raised you and is clearly a strong and capable person. You can’t rope your family into it every time he upsets you. If your mom really needed to say something to him, she could have done so herself or told you what she needed to say. You put your mom in the place of choosing between her daughter and her future son-in-law; of course she chose you, but it sounds like you pushed her into the situation. Likewise, you infantilized your fiance by setting him up to confront (but ultimately apoligize to) your mom. No wonder tempers flared.
The idea that a marriage is a marriage of families, not just of a couple, has some truth to it but it may not be exactly the way you are imagining it in real life. When you marry this man, you will be creating a two-person marriage, not a three-person marriage. You do have to adjust your allegiances. No, you don’t have to abandon anyone or pick sides. But to get married is to say, "My primary relationship is with this person and I will tend to this relationship first." In the future hopefully you will be able to resolve conflicts between the two of you, and then work on your relationships with other people in your life. But by skipping that step and trying to orchestrate a conflict resolution between your fiance and your mom before you and your fiance had come to a resolution, you introduced an extra variable into the equation that shouldn’t be there and only added to the tension.
I don’t think this problem is by any means insurmountable. In fact, figuring out how to work as a team is probably the central problem of marriage! We are all dealing with it one way or another. Solving it will involve discussing between you and your fiance how you want to function as a team: your shared priorities, visions, agreements, and so forth. Good luck and let us know how it goes. 🙂
I agree with the advice given above but I would like to add one thing. You said you want your kids raised the way your mom raised you. What about what he would like? I get his frustration because my Fiance thinks his mom is wonderful and can do no wrong so we need to do everthing that was done to him…well what about me? What about the traditions I would like to incorporate into our kids life? Are they not good enough because his mom didn’t do them? I’d be taking it personally too.
Try this and gain some perspective: put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel being in his shoes?
Agreeing with a lot of people here, especially that seeking help from a counselor will be helpful. You sound very protective of your mother and given your history, you probably always have been while your Fiance may feel that his mother wasn’t good to him- so some of these feelings coming up may have so much to do with family history. A mental health therapist will help you two work these things out and this could help release a lot of these feelings of blame towards one another.
For this to work, you and your mother as well as you and your fiance will HAVE to find some boundaries. For example, there needs to be things that you don’t talk to your mom about that is just between you and him; you and your Fiance need to function like a team and he shouldn’t feel like odd man out with you and your mom. Your mom needs to bless your relationship and trust you when you marry. Your Fiance needs to recognize that your relationship with your mom is very important and although you may change some things with it, it will always be important.
In a way, this post seemed like the other side of this post: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/set-me-straight
I agree, your Fiance was very rude about how he handled it. But I kind of get the impression that you put your relationship with your mother above all others, including your relationship with him. To me, if you aren’t ready to put your relationship with your mother second to your relationship with your husband, you probably aren’t ready to be married. I know that sounds harsh, but I’ve watched my dad put his mom before my mom for years, and it has caused a lot of strain on my family when Mom’s and Grandma’s desires don’t match.
I, too, would recommend counseling.
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