Post # 1
We have been together for almost 7 yrs and we have to beautiful boys. When i first met him, he was nobody and he had nothing at all. He was really bad financially and he had no education. I sacrificed so much for him to go back to school and everything his life was turned around. Long story short, I’ve been like his mother to him. I do everything for him and i also manage our finances because hes not good with money. As i can say, we are in a very good situation.
Last night, we had a big fight and he was out of control. The argument started like while he was patching the lil holes on the walls, which he caused them when he mounted the tv on the wall. Now we are selling this home, the physical inspection is on sat and nothing is done, my sis wanted to help and she was going to tell him how to do things( my sis is professional, they are investors and they have been flipping house for over 10 yrs and when she sees smth, she knows whats wrong with it right away) plus my sis is the agent for us and shes not charging nothing. My SO thinks that he knows it all which he doesnt because i know him so well.He said i m too controlling and he was cursing infront of our kids and was crazy. I didnt say anything back to him but deep inside i m tired of how he acts like a kid and ive been wiping his ass for many yrs. He never fold his own cloths in 7 yrs, i bring food infront of him while he watchs tv and i do basically everything and he brings money home. I dont spend on anything unless on smth we need and he doesnt spend it either. But now hes saying that he can’t even spend his own money and all i do is complain. I was doing what i was doing for all of us. THats why we are in better place. We saved up more than six figures and everything. He said i m too stingy and hes tired of everything. I had been tired of his laziness too. I always make big decisions and he always come up with stupid decisions. He says i never take account of his opinons and its always me and my family. I ve been basically doing most of the stuffs on my own. Hes the type that when he wants smth, he just wants to get it and doesn’t think about other things.
Now we both are angry and we are talking about moving on with our own lives after we close the escrow. He will get a place by himself and i m taking my boys with me. Theres no way i will let my kids go with him. I m fine with being on my own and which i can accomplish more in life. FInancially i m planning to pay off his car and let him take his portion and let him do watever he wants..I m a stay at home mom for now but i can focus on my investments stuffs after we split up . I just hope things happen for the best. When i m mad at him, i have no love for him, i don’t know if its normal. I think my life would be fine without him, as long as i have my kids with me. I ‘ve changed so much for my kids and they are my motivations. Once our escrow close, we will be on our own at diff places..
Bees, i need your support..thanks
Post # 3
Okay. That was a lot to take in. Are you absolutely sure you want to split up? Would you consider couples counseling to try to repair the relationship? It sounds like there was a lot of stuff going on (probably on both sides) that have been causing negative feelings to build up for years. And because it’s all been pent up, it’s burst and you have a mess. Really the issue comes down to stay or go. Stay and try to work on things so that you can be happy as a family and work towards similar goals. Or go and figure things out separately. But you will never really be separate because you have kids together and will continue to raise your kids together (unless he wants no custody whatsoever, which would be unusual). So really think this through before saying it’s over. It may be the right decision, but make sure it’s not just frustration from selling the house. And really try to look at things from his point of view. None of us are perfect. Is there some truth behind his concerns? How could those be resolved? What are your main concerns and what do you most want to change? These are all important things to think through. A therapist could start you on that path. Good luck!
Post # 5
thanks. yea alot of stuffs going on btw us.. i’ll give some time and show where life will take us..He took off his ring and he left and in the drawer. He didnt wear it to work which pissed me off too..I don’t care about him not giving me the good bye kiss but he took off his ring and just leave it there..
Post # 6
Wow. That’s a lot to take in. Maybe giving each other space is the best thing right now. Like you said, you’ve been as much as a mother as you’ve been a partner to him. Maybe time apart will let you guys figure out what you guys want from each other. Hopefully, no matter what happens you guys stay civil for the children’s sake. Good luck!
Post # 7
@ddsfam: I’m sorry you are going through this. I have no love for my DH when I’m mad at him – so I don’t think that feeling is all that off. But, I also know that no good decision ever came from a place of anger. Wait until this blows over and you both can talk about things.
It sounds like you have tons of building resentment about how you’ve allowed DH to live and are at a breaking point. Do you think you’d feel different if you didn’t wait on him hand and foot?
Working on a relationship takes a lot of effort and being a 7 year mark is a huge thing, IMO. If I were in your shoes I would first decide if I wanted to work on the relationship. Assuming you do, it’s time to break the patterns that got you to the place of dissatisfaction in the first place and to start developing new patterns (making dinner together, him helping you with house stuff and/or decisions, or you loosening up control of the finances and spending more on fun stuff). Figuring out your needs and then express them to him. I know you said he tells you all you do is complain – is there truth in that? I think something happens over time where we shift from being the doting wife where it’s novel to be sweet and caring and nurturing of our partners to being resentful that they can’t do anything for themselves. If it’s difficult for the two of you to communicate with each other, consider couples counseling to help the other hear what each are saying.
HUGS to you!
Post # 8
I don’t think you shoul walk away so easily, but I also don’t think you should continue putting up with the stuff you’ve put up with. He’s only having his food brought to him, etc., because you’re agreeing to do that. He may need mothered, but you’re also enabling him by continuing to keep him from making his own mistakes and learning how to do things for himself. Don’t get me wrong, his problems aren’t your fault–but you certainly aren’t giving him any kind of kick in the pants to change them, either.
So if you can’t fix these things, then perhaps leaving is the right thing to do. But you need to try as hard as you can to work things out, and give 100% toward that, because while breakup/makeup/repeat is fine for young people, it’s really, REALLY hard on kids. My mom did that with my dad, and I had my hopes for our family getting back together raised a half-dozen times, only to have then dashed afterward. I wish we would have just stayed gone the first time. Giving this your all now, and exhausting all your options will allow you to know with a certainty that when you walk out that door, it really is over. I think that would help you move on, too.
Post # 9
Honestly, it sounds like you’re both better off without each other. Sad because there are kids involved, but if he’s as bad as you say, then you’re better off without him. And if you really think he was a nobody until he met you (and you do sound controlling – martyrdom is a form of control and manipulation) he’s probably better off alone or with someone else. It’s not neccesarily that either of you are bad or wrong, just that you’re not a good match.
Post # 10
@ddsfam: I am so sorry you are goin gthrough this – and while trying to sell a house!
I would try couples counseling, or to at least go alone by yourself for a while.
My ex was a very irresponsible man(child). He had horrible credit, couldn’t rub two nickels together, and didn’t know the concept of saving.
I, being a codependent person myself back then (by product of being an adult child of an alcoholic), was some how predisposed to find a very irresponsible person and do things to make him even MORE irresponsible. How? By turning into his mom and doing everything for him (everything including gettting him into college – I did all the paperwork). I helped create that mess. They were all good things in hindsight – cooking healthy meals, laundry, getting him a degree that I paid for, fixing up his credit, etc.
After learning more healthy relationship ways, and trying to get out of the parent-child dynamic that we had, I learned that I just grew out of the relationship. He was not joining me on the route to healthier ways. He wanted to stay that irresponsible little boy and have a mommy to take care of him at the age of 37.
After much therapy, things could not be repaired. I grew too much. Plus he was emotionally abusive the entire time. Good bye!
Does this sound familiar at all? I can see how you’ve made him more irresponsible by doing so much for him. Men want to feel like providers deep down and not failures, and there’s probably a lot of resentment on his end towards you I imagine.
There has not been any violence, has there?
Post # 11
i m tired of how he acts like a kid and ive been wiping his ass for many yrs. He never fold his own cloths in 7 yrs, i bring food infront of him while he watchs tv
this is pretty much your fault for doing all of these things for him.
regardless, it sounds like you have made this decision pretty quickly, which makes it seem like you’ve either been thinking about doing this for a while and decided you don’t want to tryto work on it or you’re making the decision in the heat of the moment. either way, good luck
Post # 12
Sorry to hear this, but I don’t think you should split up yet. At least try getting help and talking it out and if it’s still not working out then split up. You can’t just split up without ever trying.
Post # 13
I don’t know if i can call his statements as mental abusive, everytime i cook for him, most of the time he will say things such as ^ ohh it looks nasty^ or first thing he will say is ohh i dont want to eat this ant that. I get very annoyed and very unappreciative about his comments. He is the youngest kid in his family and all they did was do things for him but not nurture him. He bought a house when i first met him, i knew from the beginning he couldnt afford to pay for that mortgage because it was obvious that he took home 2200$ a month and his mortgage alone is 3000g without utilities and taxes and etc. It was common sense for everyone to understand the situation whether he should buy the house or not, and his family was supportive about it. He forclosed that house in one yr and we got together he moved in with me at my mom’s wehre i was staying and helped him saved money. We got married, had one kid, i took him back to school and registered for him and took him to get loans and everything. He finally finished school two yrs ago and now he got his decent job. Me and my sis work together to get our first house while he was in school. 90% of the money in the house is my savings and my family supports. Even now, he wanted a nice car, we bought it together for him and i paid it off. His salary goes to our monthly bills and savings come from my income from real estate investments. He always talk about how he brings home money and he wants to eat out everyday and he wants the best of the best. He was complaing about what i cook,I just told him yesterday that nobody can afford to eat USDA choice prime ribs everyday. Seriously i m just tired of his attitude and his issues. I also brought up abt his family too, they are never there for us if we need something. My family will offer so many things. His sis just bought half a million dollar home and both sisters have no kids and all they do is talk. when we first got together, we bought our first car together, we traded his old car and i put down 10k and later i paid off another 25k. His sis asked who will keep the car if we break up, i was upset, it wasnt her business whoever keeps it since she didnt put a penny in there. I keep stuffs like that inside and everytime i brought abt his family, we fight again. I know what i want to do this time, i myself need a break too..
thanks for your advice.
sometimes i think, we will be better off if we are apart..
Post # 14
thank you everyone for your supports..
Post # 15
He sounds pretty delusional when it comes to money – seems like it’s all about an appearance to him, to show of for the neighbors, and he cannot face the truth about how to properly do finances and how much he fails at it. Yes, you may be better off financially without him.
My ex would spit the food I made in the trash along with nasty comments and gag reflex sounds. All part of the manchild syndrome!
I’d at least start seeing a therapist.
“I also brought up abt his family too, they are never there for us if we need something.”
I don’t think his family not helping has anything to do with anything honestly. Not all families feel indebted to each other. Some people get along just fine without any external help (like me!). I certainly dont think families should be helping other family memers get into homes they cannot afford. No one should ever cosign ANYTHING ever, not even for family.
How do you get 25k if you are a stay at home mom?
Post # 16
My parents fought too when they sold their house. I told them they are never allowed to do it agian unless they stay out of the moving and fixing process.
that said if you’ve haf some of these grievances about his cleaning and maid habbits have been going on for 7 years. Have you said anything? Why would you bring them up now? Moving is not the time for serious conversations because its always extremely tense (IMO).
I bet things will patch up within the day.