(Closed) I think we are splitting up..:( need your support

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Okay. That was a lot to take in. Are you absolutely sure you want to split up? Would you consider couples counseling to try to repair the relationship? It sounds like there was a lot of stuff going on (probably on both sides) that have been causing negative feelings to build up for years. And because it’s all been pent up, it’s burst and you have a mess. Really the issue comes down to stay or go. Stay and try to work on things so that you can be happy as a family and work towards similar goals. Or go and figure things out separately. But you will never really be separate because you have kids together and will continue to raise your kids together (unless he wants no custody whatsoever, which would be unusual). So really think this through before saying it’s over. It may be the right decision, but make sure it’s not just frustration from selling the house. And really try to look at things from his point of view. None of us are perfect. Is there some truth behind his concerns? How could those be resolved? What are your main concerns and what do you most want to change? These are all important things to think through. A therapist could start you on that path. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ddsfam:  Wow. That’s a lot to take in. Maybe giving each other space is the best thing right now. Like you said, you’ve been as much as a mother as you’ve been a partner to him. Maybe time apart will let you guys figure out what you guys want from each other. Hopefully, no matter what happens you guys stay civil for the children’s sake. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@ddsfam:  I’m sorry you are going through this.  I have no love for my Darling Husband when I’m mad at him – so I don’t think that feeling is all that off.  But, I also know that no good decision ever came from a place of anger.  Wait until this blows over and you both can talk about things.

It sounds like you have tons of building resentment about how you’ve allowed Darling Husband to live and are at a breaking point.  Do you think you’d feel different if you didn’t wait on him hand and foot?  

Working on a relationship takes a lot of effort and being a 7 year mark is a huge thing, IMO.  If I were in your shoes I would first decide if I wanted to work on the relationship.  Assuming you do, it’s time to break the patterns that got you to the place of dissatisfaction in the first place and to start developing new patterns (making dinner together, him helping you with house stuff and/or decisions, or you loosening up control of the finances and spending more on fun stuff).  Figuring out your needs and then express them to him.  I know you said he tells you all you do is complain – is there truth in that?  I think something happens over time where we shift from being the doting wife where it’s novel to be sweet and caring and nurturing of our partners to being resentful that they can’t do anything for themselves.  If it’s difficult for the two of you to communicate with each other, consider couples counseling to help the other hear what each are saying.

HUGS to you! 

Post # 8
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I don’t think you shoul walk away so easily, but I also don’t think you should continue putting up with the stuff you’ve put up with. He’s only having his food brought to him, etc., because you’re agreeing to do that. He may need mothered, but you’re also enabling him by continuing to keep him from making his own mistakes and learning how to do things for himself. Don’t get me wrong, his problems aren’t your fault–but you certainly aren’t giving him any kind of kick in the pants to change them, either. 

So if you can’t fix these things, then perhaps leaving is the right thing to do. But you need to try as hard as you can to work things out, and give 100% toward that, because while breakup/makeup/repeat is fine for young people, it’s really, REALLY hard on kids. My mom did that with my dad, and I had my hopes for our family getting back together raised a half-dozen times, only to have then dashed afterward. I wish we would have just stayed gone the first time. Giving this your all now, and exhausting all your options will allow you to know with a certainty that when you walk out that door, it really is over. I think that would help you move on, too.

Post # 9
Member
7618 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly, it sounds like you’re both better off without each other. Sad because there are kids involved, but if he’s as bad as you say, then you’re better off without him. And if you really think he was a nobody until he met you (and you do sound controlling – martyrdom is a form of control and manipulation) he’s probably better off alone or with someone else. It’s not neccesarily that either of you are bad or wrong, just that you’re not a good match. 

Post # 10
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ddsfam:  I am so sorry you are goin gthrough this – and while trying to sell a house!

 

I would try couples counseling, or to at least go alone by yourself for a while.

My ex was a very irresponsible man(child).  He had horrible credit, couldn’t rub two nickels together, and didn’t know the concept of saving.

I, being a codependent person myself back then (by product of being an adult child of an alcoholic), was some how predisposed to find a very irresponsible person and do things to make him even MORE irresponsible.  How?  By turning into his mom and doing everything for him (everything including gettting him into college – I did all the paperwork).  I helped create that mess.  They were all good things in hindsight – cooking healthy meals, laundry, getting him a degree that I paid for, fixing up his credit, etc.

After learning more healthy relationship ways, and trying to get out of the parent-child dynamic that we had, I learned that I just grew out of the relationship.  He was not joining me on the route to healthier ways.  He wanted to stay that irresponsible little boy and have a mommy to take care of him at the age of 37. 

After much therapy, things could not be repaired.  I grew too much.  Plus he was emotionally abusive the entire time.  Good bye! 

Does this sound familiar at all?  I can see how you’ve made him more irresponsible by doing so much for him. Men want to feel like providers deep down and not failures, and there’s probably a lot of resentment on his end towards you I imagine.

There has not been any violence, has there?

Post # 11
Member
1839 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

i m tired of how he acts like a kid and ive been wiping his ass for many  yrs. He never fold his own cloths in 7 yrs, i bring food infront of him while he watchs tv 



this is pretty much your fault for doing all of these things for him.

 

regardless, it sounds like you have made this decision pretty quickly, which makes it seem like you’ve either been thinking about doing this for a while and decided you don’t want to tryto work on it or you’re making the decision in the heat of the moment. either way, good luck

Post # 12
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Sorry to hear this, but I don’t think you should split up yet. At least try getting help and talking it out and if it’s still not working out then split up. You can’t just split up without ever trying. 

Post # 15
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ddsfam:  He sounds pretty delusional when it comes to money – seems like it’s all about an appearance to him, to show of for the neighbors, and he cannot face the truth about how to properly do finances and how much he fails at it.  Yes, you may be better off financially without him.

My ex would spit the food I made in the trash along with nasty comments and gag reflex sounds.  All part of the manchild syndrome!

 

I’d at least start seeing a therapist. 

 

“I also brought up abt his family too, they are never there for us if we need something.”

I don’t think his family not helping has anything to do with anything honestly.  Not all families feel indebted to each other.  Some people get along just fine without any external help (like me!).  I certainly dont think families should be helping other family memers get into homes they cannot afford.  No one should ever cosign ANYTHING ever, not even for family. 

How do you get 25k if you are a stay at home mom?

Post # 16
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

My parents fought too when they sold their house. I told them they are never allowed to do it agian unless they stay out of the moving and fixing process.

that said if you’ve haf some of these grievances about his cleaning and maid habbits have been going on for 7 years. Have you said anything? Why would you bring them up now? Moving is not the time for serious conversations because its always extremely tense (IMO). 

I bet things will patch up within the day.

The topic ‘I think we are splitting up..:( need your support’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors