I think you need to ease off.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

So he’s stonewalling you?  Not cool.  You might need to write it down in order to get through to him, but it’s your future as much as his that is in question so simply refusing to discuss it is extremely unfair.  If he’s not ready, he’s not ready, but he should be able to articulate that to you and at least give you an idea of what he wants to do or achieve before he will be ready (earning over a certain amount, secure in career etc etc).  And how is wanting marriage “materialistic”?  If you’d told him you want a perfect 4carat diamond ring and won’t say yes unless he proposes with it, then that’s materialistic.  Wanting to know how he views your future is not.

Post # 3
Member
1232 posts
Bumble bee

I would back off. He’s not ready and what he feels are your constant questions about a time line are annoying him. i would decide (for myself) just how much more time you are willing to put into this relationship. He may never be ready…. or he could come to the conclusion next week that he’s ready. He’s not willing to discuss it? Well, then if he doesn’t even know himself and can’t give you an answer, then decide for yourself what your time frame is. Are you willing to wait another 5 years?

Post # 4
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would be really if a guy thought I wanted an e-ring because I was materialistic. Are you sure this is the man you want to marry? Just because you’ve been with someone for 5 years doesn’t mean you have to marry him. 

Post # 5
Member
8805 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

cliffjes :  

This makes me so cross on your behalf OP.  I mean  it is perfectly ok  for  him not  want to get married soon,   or even at all, although it would not OK with you if that is so!  But this stonewalling and making you feel like  you are (god I hate the word ) ‘nagging’ and harassing and pushing for something  unreasonble is awful.  And means that if he does propose after one of these sessions, you wil probably feel you ‘made’ him do it and who the hell needs a reluctant fi/groom !.

The issue to me is that he wants to be the only one to decide when and even  if marriage happens and I find that utterly unacceptable. (In fact I have to stay away from the  Waiting boards as I simply cannot handle the posts urging  and/or  accepting the idea that if one is a good,  quiet sport of a girl  and doesn’t upset Him by asking about one’s own future too much then , perhaps that good  girl  will be rewarded  with a proposal. One that is at a time and  place entirely of His  choosing and , with any luck,   leaves her enough window of opportunity  for children )  

It seems to me  you have a couple of options . Plan A is that you accept totally his dictates on proposals/marriage timing  etc and do not at any time bring up , in any guise, the subject of them  again.  This  may result in a proposal and marriage , it may not . He’ll decide that. 

 

Plan B is that you tell him – I’d do it in writing myself- that marriage and children are  vitally important to you,  as he has always known,  and that you have reached a point where you will not be told to be silent  about your own future any more. That you require a  conversation about timelines asap ( specify a reasonable date for yourself) and without it you are considering cutting him loose, heartbreaking though that would be .

Then you either  follow that through – or you don’t,  and you live with a  failed ultimatum  and probably have to  revert to Plan A .

  As smartcookie above says , you might want to put a private timeline on how long you want to wait…………

I do hope for the very best outcome for you  OP . 

   

Post # 6
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: City, State

How is wanting a marriage materialistic? Judging from your post I’m sure you’ll be happy even with an affordable ring and small wedding. The actual marriage doesn’t cost much other than the legal paperwork. He’s just putting the blame on you and looking for excuses to brush you off.

Him saying he’s not ready isn’t wrong in itself, but saying all sorts of things about you and refusing to even discuss a solid timeline just because you want to get married now?? I’m so pissed for you. 

Please reconsider marrying this man. 

Post # 7
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

… just because you keep urging me isn’t gonna get you the ring and you’re coming across as very materialistic is a very good reason to not take the plunge especially when I’m not ready for it.

What?! How is talking about marriage as a whole means you’re coming of materialistic?? I understand that he is not ready, but not even opening to the discussion of marriage is a red flag to me. 

And it’s not like you’ve been with him for a year, it’s been 5. One thing I’ve learned from the friends around me is, if he’s not ready, he’s not ready. But at least they’re open to the discussion of it.

I think you need to rethink and see if he’s the guy for you. But I honestly do wish for the best.

Post # 8
Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee

I second what elderbee said. There are a couple of things you should consider doing, only some of which should ever be optional:

1. (This is a must.) You need to set a walk date for yourself. Share it with him or don’t (this may be too ultimatum-y, so decide for yourself if you want him to know it). Even if the walk date is 3 years from now, that’s fine. I know it seems like 30 is really “cutting it close,” but TRUST ME when I tell you that you have a LOT of time yet–and that INCLUDES time to meet a new man, establish a relationship, and get married. Whatever you choose, do NOT let this go on indefinitely, or you may find that you’re still hanging around when you’re 42, and… well. :/ 

 

2. (I’d say that this is a must, but it’s up to you.) Tell him that it’s absolutely normal and acceptable for him to not be ready for marriage. It IS a big enough decision that people should really reflect on it beforehand. Nevertheless, this does NOT mean that having a mature, open discussion about each other’s needs and perspectives is wrong, pushy, misplaced, or otherwise inappropriate. Indeed, it’s far more responsible to have real discussions about real topics that seriously effect the relationship, particularly if he cares about staying in it. 

Also, I would probably mention that he’s acting like a goddamn child, and a controlling asshole to boot, when he suggests that your behavior is pushy. He sounds like a douchebag to me, but obviously you know better. 

I had a friend who’d been in a relationship for 5 years. They lived together and had a dog, etc., etc. She wanted to get married, and he just wouldn’t hear of it. Eventually, she had to admit to herself that she was no longer will to wait for him to “come around.” She went on E-harmony after however long, met a man she said was exactly like her, he proposed a year later, and she’s just given birth to their second child. She thought that 5 years meant that you just keep plugging away–because how can you start over? But if you have to, you really can. 

Post # 9
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee

Believe him. His talk-your walk.

Post # 10
Member
2569 posts
Sugar bee

I tend to think that if you’ve been together for 5 years at ages 29/30 and he isn’t even close to being ready to *discuss* marriage, he won’t be anytime soon. He simply doesn’t want to marry you, and the reasons why aren’t important. A man who wants to marry you will be excited to discuss your future together, and he’ll put his words into action because he wants to. If marriage is important to you, I’d move on.

Post # 11
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

5 years is enough time to know if you want to marry someone.

Does he want to get married at all? I don’t mean this to be harsh, just honest. But maybe he just doens’t want to marry you.

You deserve someone who wants to be married. You don’t deserve to be strung along in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to marry you.

Post # 12
Member
4820 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

cliffjes :   Please don’t invest any more time with someone who does not share your relationship goals.  His communication skills may be lacking, but what I see is someone who is unwilling to listen to you.  That is *not* a good quality in a life partner.    I think you will be happier with a man who shares your hopes and dreams, and who will listen to you with empathy in times of stress.  

Post # 13
Member
473 posts
Helper bee

He’s not ready now, but will he ever be ready. Does he understand that you are interested in the commitment of marriage and not just getting a ring? When he says he’s not ready, is he saying he’s not ready (financially) to get you a ring or is he not ready to commit to you in that way? You need to have a serious conversation with him and get the answers to these questions. He needs to put on his big boy pants and learn to have an adult conversation without getting irritated. This is your life too. If he isn’t going to be able to give you what you want it’s best you find out sooner rather than later. I mean, it’s been five years already. That way you can move on and find someone who can give you these things. Someone who doesn’t make you feel bad about wanting them.

Post # 14
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

He is pretty goddamned sure of you, if he is this blunt. Tell him first off that if all you wanted was a ring, you would buy yourself one. I don’t like how sure he is of you. Like he knows you aren’t going anywhere and he has you on lock. 

If you are living together get your own place if you can. This is why I don’t believe in living together until engagement. 

It’s your life too. This fact sometimes gets lost in all the hullabaloo about the guy being ready to propose. Five years with one guy doesn’t mean you have to throw good time after bad, he isn’t the only guy in the world. Tell him you want to build a life, he has X time to decide, after that you are going to pursue that life, without him if he isn’t ready to join you.

Post # 15
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee

cliffjes :  What should you do?  You need to decide whether or not you want to stay with someone that completely brushes off your feelings and won’t even discuss the future.  I do have a problem with your boyfriend not knowing after 5 years whether or not he even wants to get married, but I have a bigger problem with him trying to convince you that you’re being materialistic for wanting marriage.  That’s ridiculous.

He’s showing you for what he is.  I really don’t think he has any intention on marrying you.  And I wouldn’t want to be with someone who had such little regard for my feelings.

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