I think you need to ease off.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee

Don’t wait around or settle for someone who’s never going to come around. Maybe he is not ready, but you are.  That means you are in different places in life concerning marriage and commitment.  I was once in a relationship like this and believe me, it could have dragged on for years more because I feared all that time I put into our relationship would be wasted and I needed to “hang in there.”  Well, I’m so glad I walked.  I eventually met the love of my life and he never held back on me about wanting to marry me…and we did.  You are not materialistic for wanting marriage or a ring…the right person would give these things to you in a heartbeat.  So think about that and go with your gut.

Post # 32
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

I have been with my Boyfriend or Best Friend for 4 years (hes 29 and im 28). He never brings up marriage or any topic like that unless to later clarify something he said when I have brought it up. I am pretty sure marriage isn’t something he really thinks about in his day to day life. When I asked timelines he kind of pushed back saying the usual “why do you need to know? why do you want to ruin the surprise?”. I explained that its my life too and I just want to know that it is something he is still interested in. Plus there are things that I want to do in my life and if we aren’t getting married for x amount of years, I could do them sooner than later. Basically what came out of this talk is that he is not ready right now. He said maybe in a few years or maybe next year.. but not to expect it for next year. So I asked him what sort of things he would like to get accomplished before marriage. So I know what he feels he needs to do before being ready and I told him I am here to support him. I know that he is still on board for getting married one day, just not right now. I am okay with this because I am not in the dark about it.

From his response it sounds like you bring it up a lot to him. I am sure if I constantly brought it up to my Boyfriend or Best Friend (even once a week) he would get short tempered and not want to talk about it. I know that when I don’t feel ready for something and that when someone keeps bringing it up it makes me feel even less ready for it and makes me kind of resent the topic. That being said I don’t actually know if you have bothered him about it too much or if he is just being cold about it. He has told you he isn’t ready right now and that he needs space from the topic. You have to decide if you are okay with that or not. If I were you I would probably give him that space and enjoy the relationship and think about if this is the guy you really want to marry and spend the rest of your life with. I would set a date in my head (minimum 3 months) where until that date I would not bring up the topic or hint about it in any way. Once that date comes I would re-evaluate my relationship and decide whether its heading in the direction I want and I would probably bring up the topic again. 

The next time it comes up I would tell him I don’t care about the ring… what I do care about is knowing if marriage is still something that he wants. And if he says yes, then I would ask him if there is anything holding him back from being ready or if there is something he was wanting to work on or accomplish before he feels ready. He simply may not know the reason.

No one should ever feel like they can’t talk about their relationship (past, present, future) with their SO.

Post # 33
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

5 years and he won’t discuss marriage? LEAVE!

Post # 34
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

Just because you want a ring it does not mean you are materialistic. (Its not like you are forcing him to spend thousands of dollars on a ring) Very Inexpensive options are out there. 

This is your future, take control of it. 

It’s okay if he’s not ready for marriage right now you can still be engaged to be married 2 or 3 years from now when he would be ready. And if he’s not….well you have your answer. Stay unmarried forever, or leave and find someone who would be excited to marry you. 

Post # 35
Member
6155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

You need to take a good look at your life and decide if this is a person for whom you are willing to forego marriage and children (if that’s your vision). If so, then drop the marriage talk and enjoy this guy. If not, then it’s time to cut him loose so you can find someone who wants what you want. He’s not ready to get married or he doesn’t want to marry you. Whatever is going on, he’s letting you know he isn’t getting you a ring any time soon and he’s being a jerk about how he’s communicating that.

Post # 36
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Oh god. Where to start.

Marriage is not for everyone, and that’s ok. It’s NOT ok do drag someone along knowing their ultimate goal is marriage while yours isn’t, and vice versa.

I actually broke off a 3 year relationship with a man who didn’t want to get married or have any children. EVER. It took me 3 years to actually accept that fact and stay true to my goals and dreams. You need to ask yourself if you would trade marriage for that man, or if marriage is something you will 100% never compromise on. 

If marriage is ultimately what you want, you HAVE TO sit and talk with him. Do NOT let him shut you down. See if there some sort of past experience that makes him shy away from marriage.Discuss the fact that it’s ok that marriage isn’t for everyone and you accept him for who he is. Then explain the value you place on marriage, and that if he isn’t interested in ever marrying you, that’s ok, but he needs to let you know. It’s not fair for either of you to make a compromise that will eventually cause you to resent your partner. 

Post # 37
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

It’s time for you to decide whether your future is more important than his excuses.  He doesn’t want to marry you now.  In 60 whole months, he hasn’t decided that you’re what he wants. 

 

Sometimes, we get the love we settle for.  Settle for more.

Post # 38
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

I’ve been thinking about this, and from what I can tell it sounds like he isn’t saying much about the topic other than he doesn’t want to talk about it. Has he shown any sign that he is interested in marrying you ever? I know that trust is important, but are you sure he’s not already married to someone else? Sometimes people split but don’t file paperwork to actually terminate the marriage for one reason or another. May sound ubsurd, but it happens, maybe he’s not showing willingness to marry you because he can’t. I’ve got a cousin who waited years for her boyfriend to marry her, eventually he fessed up that he’d never actually divorced his wife. She went on to wait over 15 years total.  Not a situation I’d want to be in.

Post # 39
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Its your decision to wait or keep pushing the issue with someone who (it seems) has shown no desire that they want to marry you.

Post # 40
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

cliffjes :  What I’m about to say may come off a little dramatic, but here it goes.

There are plenty of people out there in the world. Yes, you’ve been with this guy for a very long time. If marriage is what you want in life, and he is not giving it to you (or anytime soon), it may be time to move on.

Being with someone for a long time leaves our head in the clouds, and we feel like we can’t “lose” at something we put so much work into. But, look at it this way, you’re not winning if you’re not getting what you want in life.

Communicate this with him. Not an ultimatum, but a talk.

Post # 41
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

cliffjes :  I hate that he’s talking to you like this! I am sort of in a similar boat, and I do agree that men get annoyed when we “bring it up.” That said, your feelings/hopes/desires are 100% VALID and after 5 years and your age it is not unrealistic to expect that type of commitment. I think you NEED to talk to him about it and approach the subject sincerely and maturely. He’s not allowed to stonewall you like this. It may be his decision to ask you, but it’s your decision together where the relationship is going. 

There is a big diff in someone saying “stop bringing it up or you’ll ruin the surprise” and “just stop bringing it up” and brushing off your feelings.

Do you live together? What are your perspectives on kids? Would you be willing to stay with this man even if he never asked you to be his wife?

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