(Closed) I thought bridesmaids were supposed to support you?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

How expensive are the dresses? I’d definitely be ticked that she couldn’t sacrifice some dinners out to buy a dress, nothing you can do about it now but I wouldn’t of made that offer about having your mom help! I’d probably tell her that sorry, but your mom’s finances have changed and unfortunately they’ll need to purchase the dress to be in the wedding party. Although my answer could change a bit if the dress is crazy expensive.

 

How new is this new boyfriend? If it’s like the last month or two new I’d cut her a bit of slack, I think most of us get like that when we’re caught up in new love. I would first try to just stop mentioning the wedding to them for a few weeks, but still make an effort to talk and hang out. If they start asking about wedding stuff, that probably means you were talking about it way too much before – unfortunately no one will ever want to hear as much as other brides do, haha. If they still don’t ask about the wedding, that’s when I think it would be okay to express that you’re a bit hurt they don’t seem to be more interested.

Post # 4
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Here’s what I would do, if this happened to me. I would sit down face to face with her and tell her you think that her being a bridesmaid might be too much for her to handle right now and that you would be perfectly fine if she decided it was too much for her plate right now. Basically, she will either apologize for being the way she is or say yeah it might be too much for and thank you and step down from the HONOR you bestowed on her.

Post # 5
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Sorry to hear they are being unsupportive. I’ve been through similar and I sympathise with how upsetting it is. Unfortunately those close to you are not always as supportive as you would be of them 🙁 Either distance yourself and lower your expectations of her (what I’ve tried to do with one of mine) or as other posters say talk to her and offer her an ‘escape route’. good luck.

Post # 6
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m actually convinced that bridesmaids are carefully designed by the powers that be to make our weddings as dramatic as possible. Seriously.

We supposedly pick the women who are closest to us, whose support and friendship is so valuable to us, but when push comes to shove they just bugger things up. I mean look at ALL the posts complaining about BM’s!(not that they’re all bad some are great)

My BM’s rarely ask me about planning either -I guess this is normal. I mean I highly doubt they loose sleep over my wedding the way I do (at least I hope they don’t). Maybe they don’t want to or maybe they just don’t know how? Maybe they’re totally sketched out that we aren’t bringing it up? Maybe they just want us to shut up about it already? Who knows!

I don’t know if you want to just call her our on it? But that is an option. Not in a mean way, just tell her this day is so important to you and you really need her support and feel she hasn’t done that. Sometimes people need you to pull their head out of their own ass too!

Post # 7
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Im sorry to disagree, but where your bridesmaids choose to go to eat is her business,  and i dont really think its fair that bridesmaids have to sacrifice anything at all to be your bridesmaid…..its YOUR wedding day…..why should they be out of pocket to buy a dress they will never wear again,  just to look pretty on your wedding photogoraphs…..

and not only are you questioning what she spends her money on,  apparently her private life is up for scrutiny too….

when will brides learn….(i am a bride to be too )  that no-one cares about their wedding as much as you do.  they do not live and breathe wedding planning every waking moment. 

and this is all expected of the bridesmaids and its supposed to be an honour? 

doesnt sound like an honour to me, sounds like damn hard work, and expensive . 

i just dont get it? 

Post # 8
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You can’t expect everyone to care about your wedding like you do. Your friend is an adult she can eat and go out where and when she pleases. If you feel she is holding you back somehow give her the opportunity to bow out.

 

Post # 9
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i had to get used to my BMs being like that too and quick.  i was disappointed at first that no one seemed interested or cared when my planning was consuming everything i did.  then i came on weddingbee and found out that most people are in this situation and i was taught that no one will care about your wedding as much as you do. once i learned and accepted that, i lowered my expectations from my BMs and then no one could disappoint me. 

i also think i had high expectations about their interest and what not because i have been a Bridesmaid or Best Man several times myself and i was ALWAYS interested in hearing about my friends weddings and helping out however i could.  however, i know realize that is because i LIKE weddings!  but not everyone is as into them as we are (unless its their own of course).  

something else that happened during my planning – i was away on internship the whole year, so i was not even in the same city as my BMs.  And then i made some new friends at  my internship – and a couple of them surprised me by showing ALOT of interest in my wedding! i just happened to come across a couple of girls who really liked talking about weddings. they even offered to come with me dress shopping amongst other things.  so basically, i got what wanted from these friends that i was not getting from my BMs. And everyone was happy in the end.

basically, i think if you can find one or two friends – BMs or not – who are interested in weddings in general, you will have to talk to about the details and will feel happy that someone seems to care. And if you have no one like that in real life, then you will always have weddingbee!  we ALWAYS get excited about all things wedding!

Post # 10
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Some people kinda freak out about their friends getting married and don’t want to talk about it at all, and some people just don’t get as excited about weddings as others. It sounds like she might be like this. Why don’t you talk to her honestly about it (before you give her a way out of being a BM).

Try asking her in-person why she doesn’t seem interested in your wedding/life when you ask about her life. Tell her some of the things you wrote in your post. She might get upset, but that’s life; people aren’t happy all the time. Talking it out may give you an answer for why this is happening.

It may be a problem with her, but you also might find out if it’s a problem with you or a mixture of both,

Post # 11
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

ugh! i completely sympathize!! i too am coming to the realization that nobody wants to hear about it…any of it! they just want to be invited, complain the whole time they are there about food or venue..and then tell you how wonderful you look and how great your wedding is!! they don’t really care…even your friends. actually i’m finding that the people the closest to me are the ones making my life a living hell.

like my sister told me, after yet nother crying fit (and i’m not cryer!) over the wedding ” the people closest to you are the only ones that feel comfortable telling how they really feel” and ain’t that the truth!!

my advice, just push on through and plan your wedding, don’t fret over the BM’s they just wanna look good on your pictures, and be thanked in the speech…don’t expect anything more from them and you won’t get disapointed…and when you do something exicting for your wedding…talk about it to your Fiance or your mom…they are likely to be the only ones that will want to hear about it

Post # 12
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Bridesmaids are supposed to support you by standing up with you on your wedding day, dressed as you specify.  They are not required to listen whenever you want to talk about your wedding, or help with planning it.

Thus, if you have one who is unable to purchase her dress by the date necessary to have it by your wedding, she can’t be a bridesmaid.  You can still be nice about it, saying that you understand that her financial situation won’t permit her to be a bridesmaid and would love to have her as a guest.  You don’t, however, get to tell her that you think your wedding should be a higher priority than eating out (or whatever else she spends her money on).

However, for any Bridesmaid or Best Man who does purchase the dress in a timely manner, you really can’t throw her out of the wedding for failing to show enough interest.  Save talking about your wedding for those people who actually are interested–on here if nowhere else.

Post # 13
Bee
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

I feel ya. All but one of my bridesmaids was pretty much useless… three of them were my sisters (whom I even tried to educate on maidly duties) and one was a friend who pretty much invited herself into my wedding party. Only my best girl was really there for me, when even my mom didn’t have a huge amount of interest in helping. And she was a state away. It’s tough. I empathize.

Post # 14
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My initial reaction is that this girl is probably just jealous that you’re getting married and she’s not. Obviously that’s not a good reason for her to act like this but there you go. 
And while it may be true that how she spends her time and money is her own business, if she’s in your wedding, it becomes your business when she claims she can’t pay for a dress.
I know there are some brides who expect the bridal party to drop thousands of dollars without blinking an eye, and I do think that’s wrong, especially because not everyone has unlimited sources of money. 
However, if you previously explained the financial situation AND the “demands” of the wedding with each of your BMs I don’t understand why they’d be acting this way.
If I were you, I’d maybe send out an email or something telling them what’s going on. Maybe at first make it light and cheerful and just say something like: “Hey ladies! I’m going crazy with nerves and excitement here and can’t make up my mind about centerpieces” or something. Casually asking for their opinion may jump start help and interest.
Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I honestly believe that brides expect far too much of their bridesmaids in the first place,   and maybe if you DIDNT  expect too much,  you wouldnt be dissappointed.

 

Post # 16
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

The dresses I chose were only $98. They were literally the best deal I could find (and I looked hard). I even found a coupon code for 30% off for them to make it as easy and affordable as possible and my bridesmaids STILL complained about having to buy it. : I know no one likes spending money they didn’t want to spend, but I didn’t force them to be bridesmaids and they knew they would be expected to buy their own dress if they accepted. It was so frusterating. I feel you there.

None of my BMs are exactly very excited about my wedding either and I actually avoid discussing it with them because of that. I don’t think there is much you can do about that… no one cares as much about your wedding as you do.

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