(Closed) I thought I was over the past…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@engagedconfused:  I think you need to stop torturing yourself with the notions of an ex. In your head your relationship was probably pretty idealized, especially since you were so young. If you are ready to get married to your fiance then you ABSOLUTELY SHOULD. I think the fact that you and your ex fought the last time you saw eachother is enough of an answer. 

Post # 4
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Things have never worked out with your high school sweetheart and there is probably a good reason why. And I don’t mean bad timing! Just from what you’ve written, I don’t think you were “meant to be” – a couple that keeps getting together and breaking up again isn’t one I would consider fated to be together.

Meanwhile you have become engaged to a man with whom you have a relatively stable relationship. You have great timing with him, you each showed up at just the right moment at the gas station. There is none of this back-and-forth, fighting, etc.

So as you can  probably guess, I would not give too much thought to getting back together with your sweetheart. It probably will never work out with him.

But I think you SHOULD think about postponing the wedding so you can come to grips with this. 

Post # 5
1925 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MsNarwhal:  This.  Also, I think you need to lay off the romantic movies for awhile.  Don’t mess up a great thing you have going with your fiancé just for some romanticized, idealized relationship that could never be.

Good luck, though.  I imagine this is really hard.. :/

Post # 6
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

There was a thread on weddingbee I saw a few weeks ago…

Many bees here have a “one that got away”.  But, all the wrong timing and the core decisions that separated you two were there for a reason.  Those factors will never go away. Had you two gotten back together, a lot of resentment may come out of those feelings.

I agree with PPs to lay off the romantic movies.

You are in a great relationship with the RIGHT timing, there is no need to look the grass on the other lawn to see if it’s any greener because while it might look greener from a distance, it’s always going to be winter or fall when you’re there.

Post # 7
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You are dwelling on your past when you already made a decision to move forward with your life.  I don’t think it’s healthy to overthink choices you’ve made.  The grass is always greener right?  That is until you get to the other side of the fence and realize it isn’t any better than where you started.  Chances are if you stayed with your ex, it wouldn’t have worked out for all the same reasons that it didn’t the first time.  You need to let the fantasy go. 

Post # 8
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think a lot of women have that one magical ex – the guy who just keeps coming back into our lives, the guy who seems like your star-crossed soulmate, the guy who plays the male lead in the Nicholas Sparks version of your life story – and it’s always nice to fantasize that you’re meant to be, despite all odds, you’ll be together one day and so on. I definitely have an ex like that, and after I got engaged, I wondered for a minute if I was doing the right thing by choosing a life in which I’d be closing off the possibility of the ex & I winding up together in some cinematic, can’t-fight-fate, romance novel way.

But then I realized that a lot of how I felt about the ex was based on my own fantasies of the way we could have been instead of being based on the reality of the way we were. Of course it’s easy for me to dream about having a perfect life with my ex – we never lived together! We never had an argument over how to pay the bills, or went grocery shopping together, and I certainly never had to run out of the bathroom screaming after smelling one of his giant farts. Of course my ex seemed like a dream in comparison to reality with my fiance – because that’s all he really was. A dream. And the reality of living with my fiance? That’s what is really magical to me. That he can really know me, in all of my dirty socks on the floor, grumpy before coffee, oops-I-forgot-to-mail-the-rent glory and love me anyway. And that I can love him back, farts and all. My life might not be the plot of a romance novel, but…. it’s not a romance novel, after all, it’s a real life. And I really don’t think I could be any happier.

I wonder if that might be what’s going on with you. Loving someone in high school is a whole lot easier than loving someone when you’re both adults. There’s a lot more crud to muck through in your adult life, a lot more stress and a ton of grown up decisions to make, and it can make your adult relationships seem less exciting than the ones you had as a teenager. Keep that in mind when you’re deciding what to do.

If you decide to move forward with your fiance, my gentle suggestion is that you cut off all contact with the ex. Staying in touch is a slippery slope because you run the risk of bringing these feelings up, over and over again, and that’s not fair to you or to your fiance.


Post # 9
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Everyone has a first love that stays with them. Those relationships end for a reason. Believe me if you let this great guy who loves you go over an old first love you’ll regret it and then he will be the true love that got away. You gave that relationship more tries and they didn’t work out. Put it behind you and move on. It’s what we all do when leaving behind that first love. Just know that that person will always have a place in your heart but no longer a place in your life. This is how it’s supposed to be. If you continue to dwell on your past your going to ruin your future.

Post # 10
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m going to say the same thing I told a bee a few weeks ago:

I was head over heels for this guy who was one of my best friends. We had this connection and chemistry that I don’t think I will EVER have with anyone else, not even Fiance, and it’s ok. Because here’s what I/you need to remember:

It didn’t happen. I will never feel like THAT about anybody else. But “THAT” wasn’t real. It wasn’t fruitful, it was a seed that barely sprouted and died. It went nowhere. It’s a memory that makes my heart tingle when I think about it, but that’s it.

THIS, today, what I feel now, is different. It’s what matters. My future husband has taken time, effort, and has devoted all energy to watering our seed. It has sprouted, it has developed strong roots, and has formed into tree that is firm and has survived it all. Despite the storms, it has produced sweet fruit. We both have worked for it and we have something to reap. We have something totally different and unique, and it’s not fair for me to compare it to anything else.

Post # 11
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I still talk to one of my exs from time to time just to kinda keep tabs on him. I mean he ment so much to me during our relationship it is hard to completely extinguish those flames… even with the terrible break we had. I think you are still thinking of your ex because you have played up your possible life together and now you are going through the what if phase. I would say the best thing to do is not speak to your ex anymore… I too went through the what if phase. When I started my relaitonship with my now Fiance I still had very strong feelings for my ex, but had given up on mending our relationship due to somethings he had said during our break up. once I gave fi and i’s relationship enough time to grow on its own without the words of my ex in my ear i could tell that fi is the one for me. I think all your thought will pass in time.



Post # 12
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Hmmm.. I think you may be just a tad immature, mentally, to handle being engaged and MARRIED; there is too much confusion/second guessing going on in your mind.


Not trying to be offensive.. just honest, in my personal opinion.




Post # 13
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i always believe that ex’s are ex’s for a reason.  you have had opportunities prior to your fi and it didn’t work out.  why think it will now?  you are a romantic and i understand how you feel.   however, accept the fact that you and he are not romance novel characters.  this is real life & you need to let the ex go if you ever want to move on with your life.

that being said, if you don’t feel like your fi is the man of your dreams then let him go.  don’t waste his or your time on a relationship that you don’t feel.

sorry if this sounds a bit harsh.  i just want you to be realistic.  if you are having doubts, there is a reason.


Post # 15
4432 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This sounds like the notebook! Ahhhh!!!! I don’t have much advice though, I would figure this out before you plan any further.

Post # 16
46 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have to agree with everyone that you need to get over your ex, stop romanticizing your relationship.  We all have our first love and those butterfly feelings we felt with them, but for most of us, the relationships don’t work out for good reason.  I know it’s hard, but try to remember the BAD times.  Instead of focusing on how you always seem to find your way back to each other, focus on how and why you two always seem to end up apart. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.”

I also think you may be caught up on movie notions of romance and love.

That being said, if you are this conflicted about your ex, you should definitly not be getting married right now.  IMO, people who have doubts about getting married, should not get married. Marriage does not fix problems, it does not make old feelings go away, and it should not be entered into lightly.

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