Post # 1
so last night my boyfriend and I had the stupidest most pettiest argument yet. He felt that I was trying to undermine him and make fun of him, but it wasn’t the case. He ended up saying to me, “Well you started it!” (in my mind this was so juvenile, the man is 25 years old) and I also go upset and went off on a tangent about how I felt that he frequently takes small things and turns them into serious offenses, and then shifts the heat on to me. When I told my SO that I’m sick of him doing that and it isn’t positive, he said to me something the along the line would I try to break up with him. That really grinded my gears. It was ridiculous. I told him that if we really love each other and want to be together, that wouldn’t be the first solution. He apologized for saying that to me. I explained to my bf that he should attempt to take responsibilty for his parts in arguments and realize that he has a choice of how to react and that he should not expect me to follow the same script as he would, as we are not one in the same. I always tell him, ” a good general always chooses his/her battles”. What we were fighting about could have ben resolved in a five minute convo, but instead it ended with us going to bed pissed off. This is my way of telling him that somethings aren’t worth fighting about. Some arguments have good reasons for happening. Now my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married (he is divorced) and talking about moving in together in the fall. I love him and I am really concerned about becoming a stronger couple, but now I don’t even want to think about the idea of getting married to him or really even talking about living together. I plan on telling him lets revist the idea in the summertime.
I realize and accept that it will be extremely hard to deal with one another on a long term basis if we can’t even argue like adults. Granted we don’t have frequent arguments, but when we do they are so pointless. I’m really too old for that and so is my bf. I feel that yes there are somethings that I can work on in my approach to him, but until we get to that point, I’m ready to slow my relationship down. I love him and want long term with him, but now I’m trying to devise a way to slow things down without making him think that I still don’t have the same same intentions in regards to the longterm. I was wanting the ring and the marriage because I feel like this man is so amazing but I don’t want it just yet the way that I thought I did. Two weeks ago, I thought that I could take that plung in about a year 1 1/2 or so… (I even posted why I realized waiting was necessary, but now I want to slow the whole relationship down). I feel that slowing things down will be more beneficial in the long run. I haven’t expressed this to my man yet and I was going to this morning, but he started it off really positive so I feel that that’s a conversation to be better addressed when we are sitting down and an argument such as the one we had last night isn’t so fresh. What say ye
Post # 3
Ask yourself some questions and do a little soul searching before having this conversation with your boyfriend.
What is your goal in this relationship? In other words, is your goal to bring him closer to you or push him away from you? If you want to push him away, go ahead and tell him what you wrote above.
If you want to bring him closer, then think about this: Arguments take two people. From what you’ve said I don’t know what the argument was about, but one thing I take from your words is you wanted him to agree that you were RIGHT and he was WRONG. You were telling him “this” and telling him “that.” So, that’s no way to argue correctly, on your part, either.
Both of you are in the wrong here.
If you want to bring him, or any other human being for that matter, closer to you – here are some tips:
Treat people with kindness, patience and respect. Listen to what they have to say. Don’t escalate an argument with a loved one (especially a man, men are more sensitive to certain things than we are) by “telling” the other person something when they’re already heated. Nobody is ever going to respond well to that kind of behavior.
You can’t put the blame solely on him, both of you have some communication/maturity issues to resolve here.
Post # 4
I realized that I was wrong. We both were making the situation ten times worse than what it had to be. We haven’t learned how to communicate effectively. I recognize that and want to work on that so that we can have longevity. I don’t expect my boyfriend to agree with me all the time and that’s okay. I probably should have given some background info on the argument. SO thought that I was making negative comment towards him and I explained to him I would never say anything towards him with any harmful intentions. He said that yes I would and that I start arguments because I said something he didn’t like and since I said something that he didn’t like, I am the reason for an argument ensuing. When I told him a good general chooses her battles, I was saying to him that this wasn’t worth fighting about and I told him that he needs to think about the part he played in the argument. I told him I get upset when he tries to say that I start ALL of the disagreements that we may have and he should take more responsibilty for his part. This is where the bulk of my anger came from. I felt blamed and SO was taking no responsibility for his role. He just kept going back to what I did rather than looking at his part. I agree that we both have much growing up to do and I am aware that it’s okay for him to be wrong sometimes and it’s okay for me to be wrong sometimes. I’m mature enough to admit my part, I am of course one half of the relationship.
Post # 5
I agree with you; you should wait before moving in or to the next level. He has some growing up to do and that should be down prior to any move in or engagement. Take your time because relationship and moving in only complicates matters. Who knows you might decide later that you dont want to be with him at all and it would be harder to get out if you both live together.
Relationships are hard and they are even harder when you seem more mature than your partner.
Post # 6
This is the frame of mind that I am working with. We need to work on building our foundation up before we can seriously entertain the idea of moving in. My lease is up in the fall, but I could still do month to month if I decided not to renew (I won’t be renewing, my career is in the neighboring city). I am looking for a way to slow my relationship down without losing some of the spark. I have all the right intentions in rgards to wanting to do this, but I am afraid that my boyfriend will take it in a negative way. I know how he gets sometiimes, and I can imagine him saying that I don’t have faith that we’ll work or no everything really is fine. Everything is not fine. Communicating problems effectively, or lack thereof is a MAJOR issue.
We have a date this evening so I won’t be bringing it up. I am still upset about some of the things he said to me, but I will press on and try to have a good time this evening anyways. Instead of getting married next year or something like that, I’m down with waiting 2 1/2 or 3 years. There is no rush for me anymore because I know that if I do rush into it without a clear picture of what’s really going on between us then the relationship/marriage won’t last.
And thanks for the hug
Post # 7
@morenitabee: Kudos to you for knowing exactly you need to do for yourself..Too many of us give up too much of ourselve for a dream when we need to put ourselves first and do what is best for us.
You are definitely doing the right thing..You are right by not bring it up tonight give it some time and tell him what you think is best for you and what you are expecting in a relationship and there is not compromising on the serious issues.
He will be upset because most men would take it as a rejection when you put yourself first. He needs to work on himself and not expect you to take what he is giving because you love him. You love yourself more than any relationship and that will make him respect you more because you know what you deserve and what you need in a relationship and will not settle.
I AM PROUD OF YOU….YOU GO GIRL!!!!