- 5 years ago
… this week, for our 3 year anniversary, but now I’m pretty sure it isn’t.
A few weeks ago I was being my usual wedding obsessed self and asking SO to explain to me how he is comfortable talking about buying a house, signing paperwork at court to make us a legal domestic partnership (for insurance reasons), have our shared bank account, etc., but not be ready yet to get married. I started to tell him how it feels sometimes like a rejection that he hasn’t proposed yet. I was sort of pestering him for some reassurance, or a timeline, or something! So, what he said definitely quieted me and got me excited, which was along the lines of “just give me a minute, please, don’t say any more, or you will ruin it and feel like you made me, I’ve got a plan” (something like that). So I started Mr. Bee’s Plan and have been avoiding talking to him at all about weddings/marriage.
However, like the marriage-crazy woman I am, I started thinking I was seing clues and hints everywhere. I tried my HARDEST not to get any expectations up, but ‘give me a minute’ sounds like not too long, right?, and this was a few weeks before our 3 year anniversary (which is today, but because I work late, we are celebrating tomorrow).
Here is what I thought were clues:
– My friend who I always gush to about wanting to get engaged got all weird and kinda started trying to avoid the topic recently – and she is really bad at keeping secrets, so I thought maybe she knew something. Turns out she is probably just sick of hearing me whine about it, or knows that it’s not for a long time and doesn’t want me to get my hopes up maybe.
– My SO just found out he had $6,000 in bonds from when he was a kid that his parents were holding for him, which means even though he is just graduated from grad school and still looking for work, he has enough $ that he could buy a ring. He didn’t however actually say he’d buy a ring with any of it, so that’s also something I invented in my head.
– My SO casually mentioned spending a few minutes on a couch in Macy’s watching sports while he had ‘time to kill’ the other week, which makes no sense, because he is never downtown near the Macy’s, and said he wasn’t shopping there. I know for a fact that a great, ethical jewelry store is right next door and they only open their showroom on an appointment basis. I somehow jumped to the excited conclusion he was looking at rings, or buying a ring. And he knows I want a really ethical, sustainable, conflict free ring if possible. I’m a social worker and would feel soooo guilty otherwise.
– I broke Mr. Bees pact, and told my boyfriend ‘in case you ever need to know, I’m a ring size 5 by the way, just in case you need to know’ and he smiled and said ‘wait, you went to a jewelry store today?’ in a way that implied amusement, and kinda made me think for some reason that he’d been at one too, which is why he thought it was funny (this was the same day he said he was in Macy’s).
– My SO had been staying up late on his computer, doing something with long lists of photos for a few nights. He told me it was a secret surprise, and that I’d find out next week (ie. this week). I thought maaaaybe he was putting together some sort of slide show or photo album as a part of a proposal, even though I told myself just to assume it’s a really nice, regular anniversary present.
Last night though, my hopes were basically dashed :(. He came home with two packages from the mailbox (one small enough to be a ring box, although I don’t know why he’d carry that in front of me) and I got all excited, since today is our anniversary. Turns out though, that one package was a bunch of prints of photos, like 5 rolls of them, that he developed from his digital photos because he wanted to get prints, and the other was some really small wood pieces for a project he is working on. The photos aren’t even a nice anniversary present, they were just for him, but of course a lot of them were of us or our families, and he thought it would be nice to surprise me and not tell me he was ordering them since he knew I’d like seeing them too.
I am so disappointed, even though I’m the one who set myself up to be let down. I ended up getting all upset and getting off the couch and crying in the shower and going to sleep because I felt so silly and sorry for myself and embarrased. I feel like since he said ‘give me a minute and let’s not keep talking about it’ I really SHOULD give him some time to do it his way, since I know he really wants to surprise me. I was just hoping, and hoping so bad! I was trying to stop thinking about it, but I guess I really had gotten myself convinced it was happening. Tomorrow we have an anniversary date night, and I know it will be tons of fun regardless as a nice night out on the town with dinner and live music, but I’m still kind of let down. How do I keep my head up? I worry that if I’m sad and mopey, he won’t have fun, and then the less fun I am to be around, the less he will be thinking about finding a way/time to propose!