I threatened divorce in a fight

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1700 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I made the same mistake, a few months after we got married in a crying anxiety and PMS driven misunderstanding that lead to arguing. It’s ok! Live and learn… that mistake was a pivotal moment for me and this can be for you.

You don’t have to ever make this mistake again. I suggest you tell your husband what this mistake taught you and ask for his understanding and forgiveness. Perhaps this mistake was also a lesson on how to communicate better with your hubby? Have you considered showing him this post? It sounds like you have thought a lot about this and are really sincere. Take a deep breath and remember we all make mistakes. Then try to communicate with your husband so he can understand what’s in your head and what’s going on with you. Maybe talking about your fears vs reality will also help? 

Post # 3
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

First, you can have good communication and practice communication in your relationship but still need to take time outs. It’s okay to be in a moment where communication isn’t conducive in that moment. Sometimes we need to take a step back, take a little space to ourselves, and then reconvene at a healthier time. It sounds like that was what he was needing in the moment which he could have communicated better. However, you could have recognized this better and been more accomadating.

What you said was a threat not just a poor choice of words. Let’s not sugar coat it.

You both need to seek out marital counseling and learning better understanding for one another and of course better communication tools.

Post # 4
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I second the idea of marital counseling. After watching it happen to so many couples, I am a firm believer that once the “divorce threat” has been thrown out there, there is really no going back. It just changes people and the threat never really goes away  

I hope this is not the case for your relationship. 

Post # 5
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

Couples counseling.

Post # 6
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

The fact that you jumped straight to ‘if we don’t talk right now, our marriage is doomed’ gives me the sense that you have deeply-seeded fears about that. Have you thought about going to a therapist? It would be helpful to unpack that fear, where it comes from, and be able to understand that you can take a break to calm down in an argument, without harming your marriage. IMO it can be better to take a breather instead of continue into an avalanche of emotional venting.

You can get through this!

Post # 7
Member
4857 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Learn how to fight fair. When your emotions rile up, you should stop the conversation and walk away. Discuss it without the emotions involved. Never weaponize your words to each other. 

Post # 8
Member
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Honestly sometimes the best way to solve a fight is to walk away from the other person for a bit and it sounds like that was what your husband was trying to do. 

When we did our pre-Cana they made it pretty clear that threatening to leave, breakup, divorce etc. Was not the way to solve a fight. All you can do is move forward and explain that you won’t do it again, and then prove yourself by not doing the same thing in your next fight. Actions speak louder than words. 

Post # 9
Member
4258 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Sometimes people need to be able towalk away and regroup.  That is not stopping communication.  That is stopping the fight.  A fight is sometimes just a fight, not a reason to divorce.  Your reaction to immediately go to divorce when it doesn’t go just your way is something you will need to work on.  And you will need to respect his space when he needs a time out from an argument.  I personally think couples counselling is premature.  Your marriage is not in trouble, you had a fight and you freaked out.  Apologize for that and  move on.  Let him know why you did that, but also understand that not all arguments need immediate resolution and that walking away from a heated fight is actually smart. When you can both both come back to it calm and rational, it has much better chances of being resloved without people feeling hurt.

But as for going forward, you will need to show him that you want to be there, not just say it. 

 

Post # 10
Member
10852 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Some of us need space when we’re dealing with high conflict.  I know I do. I absolutely *have* to go in another room by myself for awhile.

If you tried to badger me into continuing to talk via emotional blackmail, I’d be livid.

I don’t think you can *talk* someone into trusting you.  You just have to show him, consistently that you are a dependable partner.

Post # 11
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

kkfirerose :  I agree that some people need space when they have a disagreement… Cooling off is the mature thing to do when having a heated discussion. 

You need to learn each other’s communication style and not use emotional guilt to make your point.

You and your husband will be fine, just let him process his thoughts. Apologize again and act like a mature adult. Again, I think you guys will be fine.

Post # 12
Member
9718 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Stopping communication for weeks or months, shutting down all communication even just the basics is what kills marriages. Not needing some space during an argument. You completly overreacted. It’s perfectly acceptable to say you need to stop talking for a bit and take some time during an argument. In fact, it’s healthy. Had you chosen to do that then you probably wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. So I wouldn’t try to defend what you said at all.

Threatening divorce is a big deal. It’s a huge thing to throw out there during an argument. So of course your husband is hurt and upset. It will take time to fix it. I’d give him some space for now. Hopefully, he will stop avoiding you in a day or two and you can talk about it again with him. I would suggest apologizing completly for what you said and acknowledging that there is no defense of it. Reiterate that you married him because you do love him and want to be with him.

Post # 13
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I feel like there is something brewing underneath that you aren’t quite aware of or maybe that you don’t want to acknowledge? You said you didn’t want to be one of those couples who gives up communication and just stops talking because that is a marriage killer (and I understand why you have a fear about becoming that way) but why not just say that? Eg, ‘husband, I want us to sort this out right here and now, I don’t want us to be that couple that walks away from arguments and consequently shuts down the path of communication because that behaviour kills marriages. So can we please figure this out now.’? 

Threatening divorce and not wanting your marriage to turn into a marriage without communication are two vastly different things. I guess when it comes down to it I’m really wondering why you felt the need to throw the divorce threat in there when you would be able to quite sufficiently get your point across without it. 

As for husband, I’d be pretty darn hurt if I was in his position so I definitely think you need to apologise and give him time. Another poster was correct when they said you can just ‘talk back trust’, you are going to have to show him that you are trust worthy and in it for the long haul. And next time, please just accept that he needs a bit of time to himself when he is heated and upset. Even if you had to lay down a rule that after you have 24 hours to cool down you return to the discussion, so be it. It’s better than forcing him to talk and threatening divorce otherwise. 

Post # 14
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

kkfirerose :  Fighting fair and FORGIVENESS is a huge part of marriage.  I hope the best for both of you…..

Post # 15
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

After growing up in a house where my mom was constantly threatening my dad with divorce, I have tried to never do the same. My parents did get divorced after 20 years of marriage and when my dad talks about their marriage now that is always something he brings up. She was always asking me which parent I wanted to live with. I swear I heard the word divorce almost everyday. For every little thing, everytime she wasn’t getting her way, she would say the words divorce.

 

A couple years ago, I heard them from my husband. We got in an argument and he threatened a divorce. He said it in front of my kids who were like 4 and 5 at the time and they were crying, I guess they know what divorce means because of my parents. 

He apologized eventually and we made up but it is something that still hurts to this day. I have forgiven but haven’t forgotten because I feel like those words shouldn’t be said unless somebody really means them and there is no hope left for the marriage. They are  not words that should be thrown at your spouse out of anger. They are words that stay at the back of your head after hearing them from your spouse.

We have a great marriage, it has never been better than it is right now but I hope I don’t hear those words again because they do hurt, even when you know your spouse doesn’t really mean them.

 

 

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