Post # 1
Last night Darling Husband and I got into our first fight since we were married in September. He tried to end the fight by shutting me out and telling me to just go away. When he said that, I went into panic mode, thinking about how stopping communication is a killer for marriage. I told him “You’ll talk to me or I want a divorce. I don’t want us to stop talking because you shut me out and we become a couple that doesn’t talk. I can’t handle that, so don’t start now.” I know Screwed up, but I also hadn’t meant it to the way it cam out. I was trying to ask him to keep talking with me because I fear that we’ll stop communicating with would eventually lead to an unhappy marriage or divorce. In my head, that’s what I was communicating and I didn’t realize that my words sounded as harsh as they were until I was saying them and saw him shut down inside. He thought I was threatening him with divorce, and though that isn’t what I intended, I realize my poor choice of words gave that indication. I apologized profusely and told him what I was actually trying to say, but he says that he’s lost a lot of trust in me and believes that I was threatening divorce and am just trying to cover it up. He thinks I’m married to him out of obligation and afraid of being alone, not out of love because of this. He told me he’s now going to always think that in the back of his mind. He’s been avoiding me since then. I know I messed up really badly. I feel so awful about it that I physically feel sick. I don’t know what to do to fix this. I just want our relationship to be back to normal and for him to know I don’t want a divorce ever and that I’m with him because I love him more than anything. Any advice is appreciated.
Post # 2
I made the same mistake, a few months after we got married in a crying anxiety and PMS driven misunderstanding that lead to arguing. It’s ok! Live and learn… that mistake was a pivotal moment for me and this can be for you.
You don’t have to ever make this mistake again. I suggest you tell your husband what this mistake taught you and ask for his understanding and forgiveness. Perhaps this mistake was also a lesson on how to communicate better with your hubby? Have you considered showing him this post? It sounds like you have thought a lot about this and are really sincere. Take a deep breath and remember we all make mistakes. Then try to communicate with your husband so he can understand what’s in your head and what’s going on with you. Maybe talking about your fears vs reality will also help?
Post # 3
First, you can have good communication and practice communication in your relationship but still need to take time outs. It’s okay to be in a moment where communication isn’t conducive in that moment. Sometimes we need to take a step back, take a little space to ourselves, and then reconvene at a healthier time. It sounds like that was what he was needing in the moment which he could have communicated better. However, you could have recognized this better and been more accomadating.
What you said was a threat not just a poor choice of words. Let’s not sugar coat it.
You both need to seek out marital counseling and learning better understanding for one another and of course better communication tools.
Post # 4
I second the idea of marital counseling. After watching it happen to so many couples, I am a firm believer that once the “divorce threat” has been thrown out there, there is really no going back. It just changes people and the threat never really goes away
I hope this is not the case for your relationship.
Post # 6
The fact that you jumped straight to ‘if we don’t talk right now, our marriage is doomed’ gives me the sense that you have deeply-seeded fears about that. Have you thought about going to a therapist? It would be helpful to unpack that fear, where it comes from, and be able to understand that you can take a break to calm down in an argument, without harming your marriage. IMO it can be better to take a breather instead of continue into an avalanche of emotional venting.
You can get through this!
Post # 7
Learn how to fight fair. When your emotions rile up, you should stop the conversation and walk away. Discuss it without the emotions involved. Never weaponize your words to each other.
Post # 8
Honestly sometimes the best way to solve a fight is to walk away from the other person for a bit and it sounds like that was what your husband was trying to do.
When we did our pre-Cana they made it pretty clear that threatening to leave, breakup, divorce etc. Was not the way to solve a fight. All you can do is move forward and explain that you won’t do it again, and then prove yourself by not doing the same thing in your next fight. Actions speak louder than words.
Post # 9
Sometimes people need to be able towalk away and regroup. That is not stopping communication. That is stopping the fight. A fight is sometimes just a fight, not a reason to divorce. Your reaction to immediately go to divorce when it doesn’t go just your way is something you will need to work on. And you will need to respect his space when he needs a time out from an argument. I personally think couples counselling is premature. Your marriage is not in trouble, you had a fight and you freaked out. Apologize for that and move on. Let him know why you did that, but also understand that not all arguments need immediate resolution and that walking away from a heated fight is actually smart. When you can both both come back to it calm and rational, it has much better chances of being resloved without people feeling hurt.
But as for going forward, you will need to show him that you want to be there, not just say it.
Post # 10
Some of us need space when we’re dealing with high conflict. I know I do. I absolutely *have* to go in another room by myself for awhile.
If you tried to badger me into continuing to talk via emotional blackmail, I’d be livid.
I don’t think you can *talk* someone into trusting you. You just have to show him, consistently that you are a dependable partner.
Post # 11
kkfirerose : I agree that some people need space when they have a disagreement… Cooling off is the mature thing to do when having a heated discussion.
You need to learn each other’s communication style and not use emotional guilt to make your point.
You and your husband will be fine, just let him process his thoughts. Apologize again and act like a mature adult. Again, I think you guys will be fine.
Post # 12
Stopping communication for weeks or months, shutting down all communication even just the basics is what kills marriages. Not needing some space during an argument. You completly overreacted. It’s perfectly acceptable to say you need to stop talking for a bit and take some time during an argument. In fact, it’s healthy. Had you chosen to do that then you probably wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. So I wouldn’t try to defend what you said at all.
Threatening divorce is a big deal. It’s a huge thing to throw out there during an argument. So of course your husband is hurt and upset. It will take time to fix it. I’d give him some space for now. Hopefully, he will stop avoiding you in a day or two and you can talk about it again with him. I would suggest apologizing completly for what you said and acknowledging that there is no defense of it. Reiterate that you married him because you do love him and want to be with him.
Post # 13
I feel like there is something brewing underneath that you aren’t quite aware of or maybe that you don’t want to acknowledge? You said you didn’t want to be one of those couples who gives up communication and just stops talking because that is a marriage killer (and I understand why you have a fear about becoming that way) but why not just say that? Eg, ‘husband, I want us to sort this out right here and now, I don’t want us to be that couple that walks away from arguments and consequently shuts down the path of communication because that behaviour kills marriages. So can we please figure this out now.’?
Threatening divorce and not wanting your marriage to turn into a marriage without communication are two vastly different things. I guess when it comes down to it I’m really wondering why you felt the need to throw the divorce threat in there when you would be able to quite sufficiently get your point across without it.
As for husband, I’d be pretty darn hurt if I was in his position so I definitely think you need to apologise and give him time. Another poster was correct when they said you can just ‘talk back trust’, you are going to have to show him that you are trust worthy and in it for the long haul. And next time, please just accept that he needs a bit of time to himself when he is heated and upset. Even if you had to lay down a rule that after you have 24 hours to cool down you return to the discussion, so be it. It’s better than forcing him to talk and threatening divorce otherwise.
Post # 14
kkfirerose : Fighting fair and FORGIVENESS is a huge part of marriage. I hope the best for both of you…..
Post # 15
After growing up in a house where my mom was constantly threatening my dad with divorce, I have tried to never do the same. My parents did get divorced after 20 years of marriage and when my dad talks about their marriage now that is always something he brings up. She was always asking me which parent I wanted to live with. I swear I heard the word divorce almost everyday. For every little thing, everytime she wasn’t getting her way, she would say the words divorce.
A couple years ago, I heard them from my husband. We got in an argument and he threatened a divorce. He said it in front of my kids who were like 4 and 5 at the time and they were crying, I guess they know what divorce means because of my parents.
He apologized eventually and we made up but it is something that still hurts to this day. I have forgiven but haven’t forgotten because I feel like those words shouldn’t be said unless somebody really means them and there is no hope left for the marriage. They are not words that should be thrown at your spouse out of anger. They are words that stay at the back of your head after hearing them from your spouse.
We have a great marriage, it has never been better than it is right now but I hope I don’t hear those words again because they do hurt, even when you know your spouse doesn’t really mean them.