(Closed) I told him how to spend his money :/

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Did you ever suggest to your man how to spend his money? (Before you were engaged/married)
    Yes : (38 votes)
    64 %
    No : (16 votes)
    27 %
    No, but I do now since we're married : (4 votes)
    7 %
    None of the above, explained below : (1 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2892 posts
    Sugar bee

    Here’s a question. I know you said he’s expressed he wants to marry you one day. Have you ever asked if he’s already saving for a ring? I was just curious because if the guy has a brain on his shoulders and is already planning to move out he might already have a plan on how he’s going to afford it. And if he’s stated that marriage is in the picture for you two, he may already have an idea of how he’s going to make that work. Would it be super ideal for him to hang around for a couple months to save money since they aren’t charging him rent? Absolutely. Is it the only way for him to put money together for a ring and does him not wanting to stay mean he isn’t going to save anything? Absolutely not. Granted, a post only gives you a snapshot of what is going on. But if you’ve never actually asked what his plan is then jumped the gun and detailed a plan on how he can make your plan happen…I’d be a little annoyed too. 🙂

    I know it’s frustrating sometimes. Especially when there is an opportunity to accomplish something and the person isn’t exactly taking advantage of it. But sometimes people just have to do things their own way. If you haven’t already, I’d let him know that you’re concerned with the direction of things and you were wondering if he had an idea of when you’d get engaged. If you already have, how did it go? What did he tell you?

    Oh, and to answer your poll: I’ve only stepped in if he’s going to make a big purchase. I let him know that I’m playing the devil’s advocate so he doesn’t make an impulse purchase and has time to rationalize if it’s something he really needs or if he can actually afford it in the long run. But typically he comes to me on his own to bounce ideas off me. He’s an adult, not a child. He can handle his own finances, but if he ever needs an ear or an opinion he knows I’m there for him.

    Post # 4
    Member
    14657 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I’m not in your waiting position but I did live at home for a while after graduating and getting a job, and I vote that he should do it for as long as absolutely possible.  I’m not sure how much rent goes for you in your area, but for me it would have been 1000-1200… that is a saving of at least 12k a year!  That on top of no utility bills, and minimal food bill… my savings account was well over 50k in just 2.5 years.  I definitely would not have been able to afford the down payment on my house and be living somewhere a lot less desierable if it wasnt for being able to live at home for a while.  So whether you’re saving for ring, wedding, house… anything, even to jsut have a bigger savings buffer, that savings reallly helps and makes life so much more financially comfortable

    Edit: And to your poll question, yes.  Before we were engaged, and without joint accounts, we did discuss our finances as a unit and get each others “ok” the same way we do now.  (Not in a controlling way, jsut informative or for an opinion)

    Post # 5
    Member
    1723 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’m really not sure suggesting a financial “plan” to your SO is telling him how to spend his money.  It’s not like you’re giving an ultimatim or anything.  I’m a planner too, I want to know where my life is going.  FI knows this and I told him.  He doesn’t spend much money though, so it’s not something we ever really had to discuss.

    However, right now, he is looking into buying a car so I suggested he have a plan where he pretends to have the car payment (put it in a savings account) each month and see how it goes.  He thought it was a good idea.  From here on out, everything we do affects both of us so I think it’s important to discuss things like finances.

    Post # 6
    Member
    7291 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I think you just need to enjoy being together and being care free! Start working off you student loans and building the relationship , so you can come into your marriage strong and without heavy burden.

    You will regret it  if he gets overly frustrated and just pops a ring in your face and goes: there are you happy!!!?

    Post # 7
    Member
    9824 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Telling him when and how to save for the ring probably isn’t that great of an idea.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    4824 posts
    Honey bee

    Its all in the approach.

    We definately had discussions that were back and forth, but he was looking for conversation and my opinion.

    And if it was something that affected me and it was a lot of money I would kindly bring up what his plan was for XYZ and he wanted to do that. Although I am not sure when that would have been exactly because he always asked my opinion or never made a decision I didnt agree with financially.

    If its something that didnt affect me in a big way (like the time he went to vegas while unemployed and were not even engaged) I said nothing.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2103 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I think that you also need to consider that maybe he needs some time where he’s successfully working and living on his own before he committs to marriage and living with you. That, in my mind, is sort of a right of passage.

    I totally get where you’re coming from, though. I knew I wanted to marry my hubby very early. I knew that I was ready to start our forever together. He didn’t want to live together until we were engaged, and I was at a point where I was ready to stop renting and have my own home…complicated by the fact he already owns a home…so big decisions in my life were very contingent on the WHEN of marriage. I get that….BUT, I had to respect that he has his own timeline and when he was ready, he asked.

    Post # 11
    Member
    395 posts
    Helper bee

    I’ve never told my Boyfriend or Best Friend how to spend his money, but we do always check with the other person before making a big purchase or a big decision. It’s his money so I’ve never told him he can’t get anything, but he has decided not to buy things because I didn’t think it was the best idea. I just tell him I think it would be better if you spend the money on something else (school), but it’s your money so do what you want. And if he thinks it’s silly for me to spend money on something, I usually don’t get it. So, we discuss money, but the final decision is up to whoever’s money it is.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1557 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I have been with my Fiance for some years now and I have never told him how to spend his money, nor has he ever told me how I should spend mine. If he did, I would definitely speak up or I would currently be short about 100 pairs of shoes haha. It’s one thing to set goals & have discussions about bills & big purchases together but its another to be just plain bossy. So, I would say only tell him what you wouldn’t mind being reversed and told to you. I understand that the fastest way for him to save money for an engagement ring is to stay at home rent free but I’m a big advocate for living on your own, especially if its right before marriage. For me, if I would have gone straight from my parents’ house to living with Fiance, then I would always wonder what it would have been like to be out on my own, in my own place or getting a place with a Girlfriend. Life after college is so different than the sorority houses and dorm like apartments of school I think its a great experience. Also, Fiance and I are a big advovate for quality of living. Both of us could still be living with our parents rent free if we wanted, sometimes when we visit getting them to let us leave is requires an elaborate escape plan. While we’re both super close to our fams and love them dearly, there’s nothing like coming home at the end of the day to your own place and doing whatever you feel like, whether it be eating ice cream for dinner or indulging in fashion mags or mindless tv without hurting other’s feeling or doing things because “its the polite thing to do”. That all being said, if your Boyfriend or Best Friend wants to get his own place, you should support him in his venture and when he’s ready for an engagement he’ll make it happen.

    Post # 13
    Member
    64 posts
    Worker bee

    My SO and I have been together for 4 and a 1/2 years.  I do not TELL him how to spend his money but we do run big purchases by each other first.  We both live at home to save money.  I don’t know what he has in his bank account but I do know his financial situation, loans, any credit cards, and etc. He also knows mine.  Knowing his financial situation is a good idea but it really is his money, and you’re not married yet.  You can make suggestions about how to save for a ring but not give him a plan.  That’s probably why he reacted the way he did.   

    Post # 14
    Member
    4755 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I’d be pretty livid with you too. You just nagged him to do, act, save and spend his money effectively all in 1 sentence. What about what he wants to do with his money? What about the bike he’s always wanted, the new car, the new snowboard (insert hobbie of choice). That’s such a burn that you think your ring should be the number 1 priority in his life… I have no advice for you other than to say zip it.

    Post # 15
    Member
    3798 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    My Fiance would have been furious and probably would have delayed proposing if I had told him how to spend his money. Seriously. Guys take offense to that, and it kind of sounded like he was offended…

    I would apologize and say something to the effect of, ‘I’m sorry I let my impatience get the best of me. I’ve since thought about it and’….and then tell him how you think saving money so you can have a bigger safety net to move out, etc. is a smart idea. You can really tell him anything…but I would apologize and make it clear that you didn’t want to tell him how to spend his money, you just were frustrated. If he is anything like my Fiance, he would be pretty wary of my intentions if I was suddenly hinting at how he should handle his finances. Our finances and how we handled them were not each other’s business until we started wedding planning…we knew that the other has a good credit score, etc, but we never told each other what to save, etc. You might have a little bit of redeeming to do, since it sounds like he may have taken it the wrong way.

    Post # 16
    Member
    425 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I agree with one PP who said its all in the approach. I dont think its very smart to tell him to spend his money since you arent married ye of course. he might feel like..” were not married yet, and shes taking control already ” haha, but the fact is tht you can tell him how you feel or want, in a diff manner. Like ” baby, I have a great idea for you to save money! Why dont you do this and that.. If you like of course, its your money (: ” Sometimes I do that with my Fiance.

    we had a few financial problems before, like he has to save up money for our wedding even though he has a savings.. I didnt mention that he should just pull the money out of his savings of course cuz Its not my money.. its his. So when ever he mentioned it, I said ” if thats what you want babe, its your money..” but secretetly Id be cheering that idea on! hahaa. And now I set a new plan for him. He has to save up about 400 dollars a month for our plans. I basically told him what we needed to have done, and said this is what he has to do, and I usually ask him how his savings coming along. to some this may seem to motherly or to much in general, but we know our men more then anyone.. besides my Fiance needs someone to always bug him to do stuff, ( he Told me this ) lol, so its what I like to do haha.

    Just talk to your Boyfriend or Best Friend, tell him that you arent controlling him nor his money! its his afterall! bu you figured as his Girlfriend you could pitch in with your two cents, If he doesnt like the idea, then its not a problem ( even if it is to  you pretend it doesnt ).. and if he likes it, then yay.. kinda play it cool.. dont get mad! I guess you would be in the same positiion as him if it was the other way around- if your working hard for your money and all of the sudden all these plans.

     

    (: Hope everything works out!

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