Post # 1
I’ve been a lurker on this board for about six months or so and this is my first post. My boyfriend and I have been knowing each other for almost two years and we have been together a little over a year. We just moved in with each other and other than the occasional relationship drama, we are a happy couple and love each other very much. We have talked about marriage MULTIPLE times basically the whole relationship. It would be a first marriage for me and his second. We are both in our mid twenties.I am very close with his family, I hang out with his sisters and go out to lunch with his mother at least once a month, and they have expressed many times that they look at me as if I am a member of their family already.
Well, last night my frustrations got the best of me and I went off on my boyfriend. Let’s get this straight, I am in no rush to get married. If I wasn’t married for another 2-2.5 years from now, that wouldn’t bother me so much. I know people who have waited longer and people who have waited less. Anyways, my boyfriend is always and I mean always talking about us being married. At least once a week. But there has been no proposal, and I just assume that he’s not ready. And thats ok! But it’s annoying to hear him talk about it over and over like he’s in such a rush to do it and he can’t wait to do it, but yet he’s not doing it.
I told him that I’m tired of hearing about marriage all of the time if he isn’t ready to get married. I also told him that it’s okay if he is not ready to get married. He stayed silent. He then told me that most girls would be happy to hear their SO talk about getting married so frequently, and I told him that yes that is true but incessant talk without a ring or timeline in site seems like it’s all talk . I don’t want him telling me he wants to marry me just because he thinks that may be something that I want to hear. I really started having these sentiments when we were talking one day and he said to me that “marriage was just a piece of paper.” I lit into him and asked if that’s the case, “why do you want to get married again?”. My question was met with silence.
I felt kinda bad for giving it to him straight like that in the way that I did, but I am glad I got if off my chest. I don’t want him to think that we can’t talk about a future but I don’t want this to be a conversation that we have every week with no sense of when or where this marriage would occur. I don’t need a big fancy weeding, I care more about starting a family. I think my boyfriend took it pretty well though. I could tell he was hurt and normally he’ll sulk but he didn’t on that night. It seemed like he tried hard to put on a brave face even though he was slightly bothered by what I said.
Any of you all ever encountered an SO that seemed like he was mostly talk but little action?
Post # 3
@busybeebee: My husband used to do this a lot and at first I thought he was all talk and no action, but then I realized that he just likes to plan and talk about things way in the future. (We’re in our twenties and he likes to plan our retirement, no joke.) I think it depends on what he’s saying. If he’s talking about future plans like “when we’re married, this is what our life will be like” or “this is what our future kids will be like” then I think that’s fine and even a good sign, because it means that he knows he’s going to marry you and he’s planning his future with that assumption. On the other hand if he’s constantly talking about the actual wedding, or about proposals and rings and such, that would really bug me and I would not want to talk about it without action.
Post # 4
I haven’t experienced this personally, however, I will say that I really am happy that you said what you said. You seem like a very strong individual and he needed to hear that you don’t want to have a fantasy waved in front of your face, especially if he’s not trying to make things a reality. Don’t feel bad at all.
From this point on you’ve made it clear where you stand and how you feel. It’s something he should take into consideration in the future.
Post # 5
My now fiancé did the same thing ALL THE TIME before we got engaged. One day, I could not take it anymore.. So I said, “I love you and want to marry you some day, but please stop talking about it until you’re ready to propose.” He was ready a month later. Hahaha
Post # 6
When we were still boyfriend and girlfriend, we discussed a time when we would like to get married (Summer 2013) and I said that I would like to have at least a year to plan the wedding, so not telling him when to propose exactly but said he needed to do it by 2012 at least, his choice when. I was not allowed to talk about wedding details before we got engaged, which was fair enough. We knew that I would need to move and find a house for us to buy together closer to his work (we found somewhere almost equi time distance between my work and his work), well in 2011 every few weeks he would go “Oh, I’ve found a house that would be perfect for us!” But since I refused to even look at houses seriously before I had a ring on my finger, I told him it wasn’t fair to keep showing me houses which I would then get excited about and come the engagement, they’d be gone. For him, the house was more important than the weddinghw which is fair enough because that is about building our lives together. So we came to the agreement, we could “think and look” wedding/house stuff to ourselves but were not allowed to share until the engagement.
Post # 7
I’m considering this, about engagement and a home. He brings it up, then I talk about it, then he gets cold feet. Not cool, man, not cool. I think he likes talking about it only on his own terms, but not mine, and it just isn’t fair
Post # 8
Last night, the lid flew off the pot. He kept saying, “oh you know that I want to marry you one day.” and “I do everything to show you I want to marry you. You don’t just up and get married, you build up those things.” I said that is perfectly fine, but you can’t get mad at me for not wanting to discuss having children/getting pregnant. He said I am supposed to trust that he wants to marry me. I told him the only way that I can trust that is if he continues to grow with me in the relationship instead of constantly talking about what he wants to do. I told him, “Nothing is stopping you from proposing and gettting married. You are stopping yourself because you are not ready yet. And I am perfectly fine with that, just stop trying to act like we are a married couple and make decisions like a married couple if we are not one.” I also said if you wanted to be married to me and starting a family/buying a house right now you would be. And it’s not my job to “scoot” him along. That is a decision that he will have to make on his own.
Things have kind of cooled down and we are cordial to each other but I still think he is hurt/pissed that I said I want to hold off on potentially starting a family. I just can’t be content with starting a family or buying a house with a man that is not my husband.
Post # 9
He hasn’t talked about rings and proposals, but he has talked about “when we’re married.” He has also said “if” we get married which makes it sound like it’s still conditional. I have never asked him to elaborate on that though.
I appreciate the words of encouragement. It was so hard to do because I didn’t want to “rock the boat”, but he was starting to get on my nerves with all of that.
I have toold him that so many times girl. But he still doesn’t get it. I told him I don’t want to hear that stuff all the time, just show me in gestures. Words don’t mean nothing unless you back it up. When he says stuff (and he continued to do so after I started this thread) I just ignore it. One night he said something looking for a reaction because I would normally give him one, but that time I just brushed it off and that was the last time something was said before the big blow up last night.
How did you guys come to that agreement? We can’t even get that far!
Mine doesn’t mind talking about it. He talks about it too much with no definition of when. He won’t even give me a timeline. But don’t worry girl. Just keep doing your part to grow in the relationship and keeping sight of what you want!
Post # 10
@busybeebee: I think it is good you did it, honestly. I feel like with some people, talking about it actually makes them postpone longer – like they feel like they are doing some sort of forward progress becuase they talk about it all the time, so the impulse to do actual forward progress stops.
I read a study once about how successful people are in keeping goals/resolutions when they talk about it and tell others about it a lot, and it turns out people who keep their resolutions much more to themselves tend to do a much better job of meeting them. The study found that anouncing or talking about goals to others gave people a “premature sense of completeness.” I think that would almost by virtue end up happening with someone talking about marriage all the time, too.
Perhaps he is doing it to help stall more. Maybe he feels he needs a lot more time but was afraid that would upset you, so subconsciously he was talking about it a lot because as it gave him a sense of more completeness than was real, and he thought it would do the same for you, thus tiding you over until he was more ready. So I think it’s good you kind of went off on him, AND explained you are fine with the waiting. Him talking about it, from a scientific perspective, will actually hold things up.
Post # 11
I found the article. It might be helpful to show it to him, since he seems adamant that what he’s doing is not a problem (which, given that he still say “if” you get married, I think definitely is. If he’s not even sure he wants it to happen, he definitely needs to stop running his yapper about it so much):
Post # 12
thanks for the insight! It’s very interesting… Honestly I feel with all of the talk, I feel like I don’t know when we will be better for that part of the relationship. Half of me is angry with him for dangling the prospect of marriage over my head like it’s a carrot or something. Sometimes it even makes me want to pull back a little. I kept saying to him, “If you’re in such a rush why aren’t we engaged? Why aren’t you trying to marry me?” All he could say was that we are working towards it and he always tells me constantly that he wants that so I that I know what his intentions are. I almost felt like I was pressuring him *yuck*
I have resentment towards him for that and I t hink that is partly why I have exploded on him about this these two tmes that it has occured. It’s something that I used to dream about constantly and desprately want, you know that thought of sharing my life with him as husband and wife. Now I cringe at the word marriage. It doesn’t represent the prospect of a happy future to me anymore, it seems like something that I am constantly being teased with. The bad thing about my man is that I can tell him till I’m blue in the face that I am tired of hearing him talking about a marriage with me with no timeline or proposal, but he will still make a reference to us being married. He thinks I’m trying to punish him by holding off TTC and talking about a timeline for kids, so now Im sure he resents me a little bit for that as well. My intention wasn’t to punish him per se, I just wanted him to stop trying to sneak the benefits of a wife and do married couple things sans the commiment.
Realizing that these are issues for the both of us, it makes me want to evaluate the relationship albeit in a more positive way. Now I’m just focused on getting stronger as a couple, hopefully a marriage will follow in the future.
Post # 13
I totally see where you’re coming from with that. I think it is more than perfectly legit to not want kids and other very husband/wife things without being married, and he has no right to resent you for it. I mean if things didn’t work out (and since he sometimes still uses “if” that is a possibility) to have the responsibility of kids, no father around, and likely things too awkward with his family to get any support from them, would be hell. Trying to dangle a future marriage to get you to be willing to ttc sooner is actually pretty manipulative.
Maybe he doesn’t realize it, but that is what is happening. He is trying to make you slide from your position into something you don’t want by dangling what you do want to happen first in front of you a lot.
Some things just don’t add up. Having kids is, in my opinion, a bigger commitment than marriage itself, so if he is so ready for that step, why not just get married, since he knows you want that to come first? Especially since he has called it just a piece of paper. Why does he wants kids right now so much? You’ve only been dating a year, that’s a MASSIVE step after a year! Why not marriage to go with it? WHY is he talking about marriage so much anyhow?
Seriously, has he given a good reason for that? He says you should be happy about the fact that he does (which I think you have a right to be happy about whatever you well please), but not really why he does it, has he? And whatever his reason, you have told him twice now you don’t want it to happen, and yet he continues to do it. That is not him being absent minded, that is him blatantly disrespecting your wishes (possibly to try and coerce his own upon you).
I think these are all issues you should discuss with him, and try to make some sense of what is going on in his head.