(Closed) I told my mom to stay out of my wedding….

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Without knowing the full story of everything, it’s really hard to tell you, “Sure, cut your mom out of your wedding planning.”

But sometimes setting up boundaries is a good thing…

Post # 4
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

We’ve had to uninvolve my FI’s mom from wedding planning. For a while there we weren’t sure we were even going to invite her, but decided to do it regardless. Sometimes you have to set the boundaries, but I think taking some time to think this over is a good idea.

Post # 5
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Sigh I wish I would have limited my grandmother’s involvement… but that’s another story.  Why not give her things that she can have control over?  And ask her to help you with those things and leave the rest of it out.

Post # 7
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Sounds like my grandmom.  She finally just told me that I’m strange and stopped talking about it lol!! Just remind her that her vision isn’t your vision and you “got this”.

Post # 9
Member
1559 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Unfortunately, everybody has a different vision of what a wedding should look like. Some people think ballgown and roses, some people think short vintage dress and a brooch bouquet, others think Old Hollywood charm…. 

I had a conversation with my younger sister before I got engaged about how I felt like I wouldn’t get any help once I was engaged, and how I didn’t think anybody would understand what I wanted. 

She basically replied by saying “That’s because nobody can understand what you want but you. You have a different style than everyone else, and we just don’t understand it.” 

I have had so many unsolicited suggestions, and I just smile and nod and then do what I want in the end. Fiance and I are paying for most everything, and I know that in the end we will be happy with our wedding, even if it’s not what everyone else would do for themselves. 

Post # 10
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@Nola: “She hangs up on me a few times a week.”

This tells me that nothing will come of her hanging up on you one more time THIS time.

I think you know this was the best decision for you, but it’s terrifying you so you’re doubting your decision.

And no matter what, at the end of the day, your signature goes on your checks or on the contracts -if she doesn’t like it but you do, oh well! Unless she forges your signature or something ridiculous you WILL get what YOU want in the end.

Post # 11
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I gotta say, her behavior doesn’t sound normal. When something doesn’t sound normal, it means there’s probably some other emotional issue behind it–so why is she trying to exert so much control over your wedding? Maybe she’s afraid of losing you, her daughter. Maybe she’s afraid of judgment from her friends/family. Maybe SHE never got to have the wedding that she wanted.

BUT. I think that IF you let her back in on the planning (you don’t have to, these are just my suggestions if you want to give her one last chance), you need to set up simple ground rules. Remind her it’s okay to disagree, but in the end YOU have the final say and she just has to deal. Tell her there will be no more lobbing around of the “bridezilla” and no more hang-ups–’cause that’s just rude, period. And to sweeten the deal, at least “pretend” to consider her ideas and sleep on them just so she feels heard.

You can make all that conditional if you don’t want to cut her out completely–just tell her, “Mom, it really means a lot to me to have you help me plan this, but it’s turning into a bad memory because we’re fighting. So either we don’t fight, or I’m just going to have to plan it myself, but I’m not going to make what should be a happy time an ugly experience for either of us. I don’t want to remember it that way.”

Post # 13
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

I think you made the right decision. I don’t know what sort of relationship you have with your mother, she sounds a bit melodramatic, but with some mothers the reassurance of love helps a great deal.

“I love you mom and appreciate you wanting to help, but I’ve got a handle on this.” Or, “I love you mom, but so and so wanted to be a bigger part of the wedding process so I thought I’d let you take it easy instead.”

How “hard” it was for you to say what you did to her really depends on your normal interaction with your mother. I personally do not think it’s harsh. If it were my mother I would be quite a bit more blunt. 

“I really appreciate you wanting to help, but it’s just making me more stressed right now. I’m going to take it from here, but since I do know you have lots of ideas, may I call you in the future if I need your help?” or I would end it with asking if I could count on her if I need her in the future. Mom’s love (usually) to be able to know that they can be counted on to help their children.

Post # 14
Member
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Firstly don’t respond for a day to give yourself time to think clearly.  It’s fairly normal to have arguments with family even though most of the time, deep down, we know they mean their best. 

I’d be inclined to apologise for your comment, but explain to her what you are frustrated about, and set boundaries around that.  For example, tell her you find it unacceptable if she hangs up on you and that is something you wont tolerate.  Try not to stress too much as this time will pass – enjoy the special feeling of being engaged.

Best of luck hun.   

Post # 15
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

Wow. I would imagine that her feelings are really hurt since she sounds like a lot of Moms who are only trying to help. How many weddings have you planned or have even noticed while attending? Chances are, she’s experienced many more than you and just wants you to think things through before making any big mistakes. Maybe you get defensive when she offers any input and you both become frustrated with each other? 

I hope you don’t end up regretting what you said. Your wedding is only one day, but your relationship with your Mom is for a lifetime. Hope you can work things out!

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