Post # 1
Let me start off by saying I think I’m pretty easy going. For example, today was DH and mine’s 1 year aniversary. MIL called and invited she and FIL to bring a cake over this evening to celebrate. I was cool with it, and it didn’t occur to me until later that alot of people might not have been ok with that….no romantic evening for us : |
Anyway I’m currently 15wks pregnant with her first grandbaby and she is pretty much obsessed about it. Everytime we see her she makes comments about how she is going to be a VERY involved and opinionated grandma. She cannot stop talking about wanting to be present for the delivery. I mean if she had her way she would be pushing the doctor out of the way and delivering it herself. No matter how many times I say I only want DH there, she keeps bringing it up!!!! She is chockfull of kooky, hippy, non-scientific advise too. Well she brought up circumcism and also how she has invested so much in her son (DH), so she has 50% stake in the decision making regarding our future baby. Whaaaat?? I stopped her right there and let her now, that indeed that isn’t the case, as she did in fact raise her own babies and now it is my turn, that I would listen to her advise but may not always take it, thank you very much. A few more things along these lines were said and she ended up kind of bolting out of the room and leaving me with my BIL’s girlfriend who had been watching the whole thing with her jaw dropped open. A short time later she hurried out the door and went home with a very brief goodbye. Awwww well, I’m sure she’ll get over it, but geez louise, how the hell do MIL’s get so damn pushy about this crap!!!! It is absurd, I can’t imagine trying to be all up in someone’s personal business like that. I mean seriously, come on!!!
Has anyone else had a pushy MIL that they were successfully able to “rein in”? I’m getting worried what it will be like when the baby comes…
This topic was modified 3 years ago by MrsZapatos.
Post # 2
MrsZapatos: Good for you!!! You absolutely did the right thing, it seriously blows me away how over-bearing some MIL’s can be! We’re getting married in 6 months and so far I haven’t experienced that type of behaviour (there have been other future in-law frustrations but I guess that’s inevitable)
I would be putting my foot down too. She does not get a say, this is your child and only you and your husband make the decisions!
Post # 3
MrsZapatos: “No matter how many times I say I only want DH there…“
It doesn’t matter how often you say it… how often does your husband say it?
Post # 4
aussiemum1248: DH will back me 100%, but she is sooo bossy even to him! For example she keeps feeding our dogs bits of food from her plate at the dinner table. It drives DH nuts and he says, “My house, my rules, knock it off!”, but she just ignores him : ( I told him he needs to start enforcing this stuff though, because she takes it like a joke. Maybe he is a little afraid, because we were talking about it tonight and said if I tell her NOT to do something she is so stubborn she will go and do the exact opposite every time.
When it comes to the delivery though, DH will damn sure have my back or he will be a dead man!! I am not above calling my very large, intimidating, law enforcement brother to escort her out if need be ; )
Post # 5
MrsZapatos: I’m glad he’s backing you up, but it sounds like he needs to be even more forceful.
For the delivery, perhaps best to talk to the hospital (or wherever you’ll be). At in my experience (Australia) there was no way any relative could go into the labor ward without my permission. If you tell them beforehand that your instructions are no visitors during labor except DH, I’m sure that’s enough.
Post # 7
She sounds like my MIL in some ways.
aussiemum1248 is right; your husband needs to be telling her what’s up. And not like he WILL tell her in the future, but now. He needs to speak up now. He can do it in a kind and loving way while still being very clear and firm. What she’s saying is not ok and needs to be nipped in the bud. The sooner the better, and it will mean a lot more coming from him.
Post # 8
I agree with aussiemum1248: “If you tell them beforehand that your instructions are no visitors during labor except DH, I’m sure that’s enough.”
MrsZapatos: Speaking with other moms that delivered at our hospital, they said the staff is very willing to come up with an excuse for guests to get out of the room if you wish. Perhaps ask this at childbirthing classes or at your next OB/midwife appointment?
Post # 9
I was clapping for you while reading. Some people…
I’d pay to know what BIL’s girlfriend was thinking!
Post # 10
my MIL is amazing, but i know many that are not!
good for you – i especially like that you explained it in the simple terms of “you had your turn and now it’s my turn” because clearly she is acting like a child!
Post # 11
MrsZapatos: I am so proud of you! It takes a lot to stand up to someone like that. It will be interesting to see how things go from now on!
My mother in law asked me on the weekend “Hows our baby doing”. I responded with “Its my baby, not yours.” Possession is 9/10ths of the law after all!
Post # 12
Haha good for you!
Sadly this is not the first time I’ve heard of MILs acting like it’s their baby, round #2. They don’t call it baby rabies for nothing I guess…
Post # 13
MrsZapatos: Good for you!
Well she brought up circumcism and also how she has invested so much in her son (DH), so she has 50% stake in the decision making regarding our future baby.
Wouldn’t that mean your DH has 50% say NOT her lol
Post # 14
MrsZapatos: I’m going to keep my response brief, but I have former posts about my MIL being very pushy while I was pregnant. You can also PM me to talk since I know what you’re going through.
I will just say this…she could be just as pushy. I don’t know. My MIL went the other way: very uninvolved, distant…still gives he two cents and can be very pushy when we are with her, but otherwise she doesn’t press my buttons at all. Sometimes I wonder if she even remembers that she HAS a grandson. Anyway, just make sure your DH backs you up. Now that you’ve stated your piece, just keep reiterating it whenever she says something. “Thanks for your opinion” goes a long way in a lot of situations. When I entered into a few therapy sessions when I was pregnant, she told me to let my MIL feel how she wants (because you an’t change how someone feels), thank her for her opinion, and let it go. It does work, but it is very difficult. Your DH having your back is where it counts the most though.
Post # 15
MrsZapatos: I wish I could high five you right now!!!!!!
Im in a very similar scenario right now and Im just waiting for the day I have my “MOMENT” lol. Im 18w and we didnt tell our families until I was just past 12w….my parents dont live here so they’re not in our faces, and my parents are a lot more layed back and understand the concept of boundaries……my IL’s? not so much. Culturally its the norm for them to have grandparents more or less RAISING the grandkids and well….. that wont be happening here. Just due to summer schedules and being busy we havent actually seen them much since we told them. DH talks to them a lot on the phone but I havent had to deal with it all too much yet…..but I can see it coming. There have been a few comments about certain things (although DH just says to let it go because they are just mouthing off because they are excited…and not to jump to conclusions until something ACTUALLY happens) but…. Im prego and theres only so much biting my tongue I can do 😉
If and when they continue to make me feel uncomfortable about something I will probably end up doing exactly what you did….although for me its MOSTLY FIL who’s the extra pushy one.
She also has ZERO rights to be in the delivery room if you just want DH…. where is your mom in all this? are you close? does she live where you are? are you planning on having a midwife or a doula? a lot of hospitals have a limit of 2 ppl that can be in the delivery room with you…for me its DH and our doula so theres no arguing its THE RULES …. maybe you can just tell her your planning on having your own mother (and explain to her whats going on so shes in the loop if MIL asks) or tell her your planning on getting a doula (she will never meet nor have any contact with a doula so even if you dont she’ll never know) …sorry, all the slots are filled.