Post # 1
Fiance left his Sales job back in August. He’s a musician through and through and the job was making him miserable. The company were really nice and paid him his notice but let him leave anyway.
So he got paid for all of September, and had an album recording job lined up for October. He’s due to get an investment from a company so he can write songs full time, but he’ll only get that in January. So he’s been paid for his October job… but the album isn’t finished and he needs more time. With a wedding to pay for, I explained that he needed work for November and December. He promised me he’d sort something out but so far? Nothing.
Each week I ask him for an update and each week he’s gotten nowhere because he’s too busy working on this album. And when he’s not working he’s playing on his god damned iPad.
On Saturday we had a major fight about how he’s done nothing and he promised me he’d get on it this week. Well, now it’s Wednesday and he’s still done fuck all.
So I’ve asked him to give me his iPad. He’ll get it back when he gets a job. Apparently he can cope with me being frustrated but I think he’ll get his act in gear if it means getting his toy back.
He’s pissed, obviously, but I think this will finally work.
This is just a vent more than anything. Needed to get it out of my system!
Post # 3
I thought this was going to be something completely different at first.
Hopefully this will light a fire under his bum to get a job. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you that he isn’t doing anything.
That being said, don’t be too harsh on him. He probably doesn’t feel the greatest since he lost his job and it could be making him feel “less manly.”
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
@lookingglass: Well, at least you’re getting practice for when your future kiddos don’t want to do their homework! :-p
Seriously though, you have every right to be frustrated with him. I totally get you. I do agree with PPs that he probably feels pretty shitty about not having a job.
I just reread your fall timeline of his activities and it does sound like he’s biding his time until January. We are practically at December’s door…I think he needs to look for seasonal employment for now until he can get something after the New Year.
Post # 6
I am sorry you are dealing with this situation. I wish you the best…just don’t forget you aren’t his mother. You should have mutual respect for each other and not treat each other like children.
Post # 7
1. Companies DO hire in November/December…many have budgets to spend and/or open head counts to fill before year end or they risk losing the money/positions in 2013.
2. Be careful not to mother your SI. It really affects the dynamic and sets a tone that’s hard to come back from. There are several articles on this, but here’s one: http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/are-you-mothering-your-partner/index.aspx
Good luck! Hope he finds a job soon 🙂
Post # 8
@lookingglass: Yikes. I hope this “parental” strategy doesn’t backfire on you. It seems disrespectful to me, from his point of view.
You took his “toy” away from him, as though he’s a child who needs to do his homework or clean his room to get his toy back. I used this as a discipline technique while raising my son and it was effective. For a 10-year old.
For a grown man it doesn’t seem right. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me. In fact, that would be a dealbreaker for me, personally; I’d walk away from a man who treated me like a child, regardless of the circumstances. So I would never imagine doing that to a grown man for whom I had respect.
Maybe you two need to sit down and have a mature discussion, like the adults you are. If he wants to marry you, really, he’ll figure this out without your having to resort to tactics like this.
If he doesn’t come up with something, like an adult should, then you have some serious soul-searching to do. Don’t you want to be married to an adult man who knows how to take care of his own responsibilities?
Post # 9
@phillybride61513: I know I shouldn’t mother him but i’ve just got to the end of my rope.
I supported him throughout university and paid his way for 3 years. I did it because I believe in him and support him 100%. But surely there comes a time when he has to take responsibility too and no matter how much I tell him it’s taking it’s toll, me working for the two of us, he’ll only do what he wants.
Sure, his intentions are there, but he’s more bothered about music and technology whilst he can get away with it 🙁
Post # 10
@lookingglass: It sounds as though your mothering him is a pattern that has been established for quite some time. He needs to learn to support himself before he even starts to think about getting married.
While it’s good to help support someone else’s dream because you believe in him, and I understand and respect that, it’s also not fair to you to always be the one propping him up.
You won’t be getting an equal partner, you’ll be getting more of what you’ve already been getting all these years. Doesn’t sound like too much fun to me, or very sexy. You can’t continue to only take care of him, he should also take care of you in return. I hope he does, at least in some way!
Post # 11
@lookingglass: It’s totally a tough position. Hopefully the lack of tech distraction will help re-focus him. Have you tried sitting him down and having a really serious conversation about how this is putting unnecessary stress on you and your relationship? If you continue in this fashion, it’s likely that you’ll begin to harbor some resentments towards him and it’s hard to reverse that.
Post # 12
Oh he’s ambitious, and he does actually hate not being the breadwinner. His investment is for £150k and he’s involved in another business that’s about to get £3m invested into it. It’s just this ‘in between’ stage of him having to work in something other than his passion. He wants to write and record music all day every day- which is great when he’s getting paid £2k for an album… just not great when he doesn’t have another one to work on that he’ll get paid for in the near future.
His problem is having to leave the house to work in telesales for minimum wage. Even if it’s just for 2 months.
Post # 13
@Sunfire: though I agree with you, sometimes people need a shove before they do what they’re supposed to do (ipad confiscation) or even need to lose something before they realize what they’ve done (she walks away).
I don’t think she wants it to get to the second point.
Post # 14
This was exactly my first thought. If my SO demanded something like this, he would get an “excuse me?” and we’d have a very long discussion about what is, and is not appropriate in an adult relationship.
Post # 15
I cant believe he actually gave it to you?
He is probably not motivated because he is going to be working in January. Why did he leave his job in the first place? To find work right, which he has, sort of…he just may have done it in an odd way. Most people find work first.
This is not what you posted this for at all, but why didnt he keep his miserable job and do the song writing on the side? I dont know…just odd to me.
Hopefully you taking this ipod will make him find work in the mean time!
Post # 16
I just wanted to echo the other ladies who have commented on this thread, I don’t think it is a good idea to treat your SO like a child. It establishes a bad precedent in your relationship and that will contine to cause problems. He is a grown man, why don’t you stop giving him money instead of taking away his toy?