Post # 1
Okay so I told myself I wasn’t going to bring up engagement anymore. Then my BF discovered me on the Bee. I still haven’t brought it up. He saw me on the Bee again this morning and asked what types of forums I went to. I told him about the waiting forum and then told him some of you fine ladies have been waiting for YEARS (cue “that won’t happen with us because you will not have the OPPORTUNITY to make me wait for years” raised eyebrow.)
So then he tells me I’m just waiting due to his “lack of efficiency.” Well then! I had thought it was because he was being a meticulous planner (as he tends to be) or because he was still saving (although I know he’s got enough.) I didn’t know it was because he was being a giant slacker! Not a good piece of intel to give me.
So I was on break today at work and we were chatting via IM. I told him how EFFICIENT I was being today, unlike SOME PEOPLE. He responded “shouldn’t that be meticulous?” I told him “oh is that what we’re calling it?” Then I told him that now that I know it’s procrastination, he’s gonna be in for it. To which he responded “it’s not really procrastination.” And that “steps need to be taken when you’re not around to keep it a suprise.”
So then I kinda lost it. Not in a psycho, screaming banshee way, but more in a very firm, I’m done with excuses way. I simply told him that I’m not looking for excuses, that if he wants it to happen bad enough he’ll make it happen, period. I love him, and am willing to wait but I’m not going to lie and say it’s pleasant, because it’s not. I’m an impatient person, especially when I know what I want. I’m done talking now, I’m ready for action. I couldn’t resist adding that fact that we’re apart about 11 hours a day, but that’s beside the point. 😉
Now he’s pissed. Says he’s not but I know he is. Well, hell. Thing is, if he’s going to drag his feet and go at his own pace (which is slightly faster than “snail”) and make me wait, I’m not gonna make it all sunshine and roses for him. Go to the store and buy the f’n ring. Yeah, I’ve got to wait, I’ve accepted that. That doesn’t mean I have to pretend to believe his excuses though. If you’re procrastinating, you’re procrastinating. Own it.
Post # 3
You go, girl! Haha, good for you! I don’t think you said anything that you shouldn’t have. It seems like you guys have the type of relationship that this kind of subject can be brought up openly and honestly without any element of nagging, KWIM?
That is frustrating though. Hmm… sooo maybe he’s using that term to mean something else than what you’re interpreting. With the comment about steps needing to be taken when you’re not around, I think what he really means with the whole “efficiency” thing is that he’s been dropping the ball lately when it comes to taking advantage of opportunities to get things lined up when he has the chance. Well, wait a minute. I guess that would be procrastination. lol.
But you’re right! It’s not like you guys are attached at the hip. What steps could he possibly need to take that he can’t do during the day when you aren’t with him? If it’s ring shopping, whether online or in a store, I’m with you on the “if he wants it to happen he’ll make it happen” idea. Do it on your lunch break, dude. It starts to become hurtful to think about how if it’s not happening, he doesn’t want it as badly as you. Maybe you should tell him that’s how you see it, so he’ll know that he’s not just frustrating you, he’s making you doubt his intentions and it’s creating insecurity.
sigh… Keep us posted and come back for a vent whenever you want, of course! 🙂
Post # 4
Thank you. Fortunately, I’ve been putting out fires at work most of the afternoon and it’s kept my mind off it. I think you’re totally right, my feelings are getting hurt because it seems like he doesn’t want it as badly as I do. I know if the tables were turned, Id’ve bought the ring and done it as soon as the hint was initially dropped 3 months ago. It’s also frustrating because when he sets his mind on something he WANTS, he usually does it fairly quickly. Home improvement project? House covered in home depot bags the next day. Kitties need a new water dish or toys? Sought after item ordered immediately. But this? This requires STEPS. Apparently many steps. Many slow and involved steps. Comon’ dude.
Post # 5
Wow! I think you need to back off. He said “lack of efficiency,” that could very well mean that he wants to save a lot of $ or he’s taking time to make a decision because he wants to do it right. Him saying “not procrastination” sounds like he is planning something elaborate. And “steps need to be taken… to keep it a surprise” sounds incredibly sweet to me. It sounds like he is trying to do a really nice thing for you! I totally do not understand why it was a good idea to “let him have it” at that point..?????? If I was him I would be totally pissed at you, it sounds like he is building up for an incredible proposal and you are being mean.
Post # 6
I totally know that feeling like “he’s so close” yet “so far from it.” Very frustrating. Just enjoy your time right now!
Post # 7
@lezlers…I know how you feel, it hurts my feelings sometimes that BF hasn’t done it yet. I have to let that thought go or else I would be out of my mind again. When that was going on I was totally mean to him all the time!
I think his steps are getting the proposal you want though so take that to heart 🙂
Post # 8
Oh did you read this story too! That got me thinking I needed to stop my madness LOL….
Post # 9
I agree completely with snowflake. It sounds to me like he needs you out of the house to make something really special and if you’re gone fo 11 hours a day, then it seems like it’s something SUPER elaborate. Especially since he preferred the word “meticulous” to “procrastinating.”
My unsolcited two cents: I, personally (I’m not saying this is right or that you should be more like me or anything. you mentioned you’re impatient so I can definitely see how this is very frustrating for you), would rather wait a little longer and get out of the way a bit for him to have a big surprise for me than rush him into something less spectacular than he was hoping/planning–if I was in your shoes.
Post # 10
I understand how frustrating it can be, but let him do it in his own time. If not, it will never feel real.
Post # 11
I’m not “being mean.” I am so loving and so sweet to him on a daily basis it would give you cavities. The problem is, I am a “doer.” When I decide I want to do something, I do it. I don’t hem and haw. I don’t take steps. Steps do not compute in my mind. For example, I decided randomly one day in my senior semester of college that I wanted to go to law school. 2 months later I was enrolled (yes, I graduated and passed the bar.) I woke up one morning and decided my apartment was entirely too small. By the end of the day I had negotiated and signed a lease on a new apartment in my complex. Once I decide to do something I DO IT. I understand most people aren’t like me. I appreciate that most people aren’t like, because this world certainly needs balance.
However, my BF knows I’m like this. He appreciates it and loves me anyway. Understanding this part of my personality, he knows that every day he makes me wait is another day that I’m biting my lip, trying to stay cool. I meditate every morning to calm myself down. I constantly remind myself to enjoy this time together and be patient. I am doing everything within my power to give him all the time he needs to work out logistics. I’ve got myself on a choke chain trying to give him time.
Given all of the effort I’m putting into waiting patiently, hearing that he’s not really making any effort to speed along this process kinda threw me into a little momentary tizzy. The whole needing to “wait until I’m not around” to take his steps is b.s. for the reasons @littlemissmango stated. When I see that he’s been playing zombie wars on facebook for 3 hours straight at work, yet can’t find the time to look at rings, to me that does not say “planning diligently.” To me, that says “procrastinating.”
Understand, we talk about engagement maybe once a every month and a half to two months, it’s not like I’m riding him about it. I respect the fact that this is special for him too. The only thing I ask is that he be serious about it and, knowing how hard waiting is for me, not prolong it any more than necessary.
Post # 12
I think we can all relate to how frustrating waiting can be… but it does sound like he just wants a bit of space so that he can surprise you. While us girls would just be happy with some sweet words, and the ring, for boys this is a HUGE step and they want to make it the best proposal they can.
They seem to value surprising us girls, I know my friend had been seriously waiting for a proposal for like 8 months but her boy just wanted to surprise her! He never could becuse she was so suspicious ALL the time “oh, going out for dinner hey, why? where? should I wear something nice?” In the end he just wrapped it and put it under the christmas tree.
Its hard not to get angry when you know they have the money and COULD propose but just try to enjoy your time together and not get so anxious for it.
Post # 13
I totally read that article which is why I’m constantly biting my tounge!! I’ve been engaged before (shut up ring) and know EXACTLY how that poster felt. It’s terrible!! Trust me, if I didn’t make a conscious effort to NOT mention it, I’d be on his ass every day. We only got to talking about it today because he brought it up.
Post # 14
I’m fairly certain his “steps” involve looking at and purchasing a ring. I would bet a hefty sum of money he hasn’t started planning the actual proposal yet. That’s why the whole waiting until I’m not around thing didn’t really fly with me.
Post # 15
I’m still a little confused about why you got upset. Maybe he’s just not quite ready. Have you been dating long? If he’s not ready yet then you don’t want to marry him right now right? And Would you want to have someone critizing how you spend all your spare time and then yelling at you telling you that you’re not thinking about them enough? Maybe you should appologise. I mean don’t deny how you feel but still apologise for the way you reacted and explain to him why you feel that way.
I totally used the octipi engagement story as a jumping off point to tell my bf exactly how I felt. “I read on that site i like to go to that there’s actually a ton of girls waiting to so long to get engaged that they get so upset and fight about it that when it eventually comes they feel like they forced them into it. I don’t want to be that person so I’m going to try and tone it down a little but please don’t make me wait a very long time.” He might suprise you by letting real hint slip out when you’re honest and he’s not just responding to your teasing…mine did
Post # 16
I know he’s ready because we’ve discussed it. Like I said, he brings it up as much as I do. That’s not the delay. We had a bit of a blow out about it (he was really pissed when I came home) and we’re fine now. The two of us clearly have very different communication styles which makes things hard sometimes. We only fight maybe once every 4 or 5 months, but every time it’s due to communication break-downs.
I totally overreacted and I get that. Turns out he was shopping just last weekend. I feel like a total jerk about the whole thing and fortunately, he’s forgiven me. He said the whole thing is for me anyway, the only thing he cares about is the end result (cue the “what the hell is WRONG with me, why did I have to go all psycho!!” cry many of us bees have given.)
Ah well. Like I told him, I pretty much knew since we started talking that I’d end up ruining it. I’m just not the type to sit silently, patiently waiting. Not in my personality, unfortunately. 🙁