- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
It makes me a little sad and angry reading all these waiting posts of girls getting frustrated and resentful because they have hit the waiting period…with no results.
You weren’t always in the waiting period, for a long time you just enjoyed your relationship as it was…but at some point, things flipped into waiting and your relationship takes on a very different feel. Now you lose your mind when your honey says he has a surprise for you…and it’s that he ordered take out for dinner. Now you feel inner jealousy every time someone you know or barely know gets engaged, and even strangers make you jealous…”she has a ring, wonder who she’s married to”…”how is she married? I’m cuter than her…”
I used to be you. I was in a relationship for 7 years to someone who was soooooo good at making me always believe that moving forward was just around the corner. He would ask me about what I’d want in wedding plans, like who would be in our bridal party or if I liked this cake he saw on tv, he would tell me to be patient….all little glimmers of hope. Those little glimmers kept me brainwashed for years on end and every time a new year rolled around I realized he was nowhere even close to proposing and wanting to move forward. But then he’d fool me again with some kind of trickery and I’d fall back into hope. I did love this man after all. But I wanted more. I wanted a marriage, I wanted what I saw so many other people having, I didn’t just want a proposal, I wanted a future and I wanted this man to want that too. But hope…can sometimes paralyze you into believing that *(one day!*) you will be on the same page.
For me one day never came and I broke my own heart by ending it after 7 years, a good solid 5 of those spent in waiting. It was a horrible, messy, break up – for me. Him?…not really so much. And it was then that I realized that he wasn’t in it like I was…..and I believe now that he never would have proposed and if he did, it would not have been the kind of marriage and future I was after anyway.
Thank god for pulling up my big girl panties and walking away from a man who was stringing me along and wasting my time, and was focused on HIS life,…..not OUR life. BIG BIG difference there. As I have since learned.
2 and a half years after walking away from go-nowhere man and worried that I was doomed to be single forever and had maybe made the biggest mistake of my life by walking away….I got engaged to the man I was dating. We dated for 1 year, and he let it be known pretty early that his intention was to marry me and have a future. He proposed after a year, we got married the following year, and have since bought a house and are expecting our first child in a few weeks. I have had more of a relationship in 3 years with my now husband than I did in 7 years with nowhere-man. And I’m happier than I have ever been. Because I feel like part of this relationship, whereas with nowhere man I always felt a little on the outside looking in.
(PS – mutual friends told me that nowhere man has since gone through girls like hotcakes, and even though he said that he wanted to marry a girl he dated after me, she walked away from him and he just let her. Uh you don’t let a girl just walk away if you want to marry her. So that was all BS. He’s still playing the field and after HIS life. No tears for me anymore over that spilled milk. I’d STILL be waiting. Hands down for sure.)
Figure out which guy your guy is:
Is he the guy that is stringing you along? You are the one that always brings up moving forward? You are the one getting antsy while he is perfectly comfortable? Does he give you little nuggets of hope but then nothing ever changes??? Does he talk using the word “I” not “we”. Does he include you in his life? Do you feel like you have to watch your behaviour and dote on him so that he will see how wonderful you are and finally propose? And you start to feel like it’s your fault he’s not proposing?
Or is he the man that tells you he wants a future WITH YOU and you feel that your relationship is always moving forward. He includes you in decisions and asks your opinion because he is shaping your life TOGETHER. He is true to his word even for little things. His actions and words match. Nothing you do changes his mind, you aren’t walking on eggshells. It’s actually relaxing, this kind of relationship, because you never have to question it. You know how he feels and he doesn’t leave you guessing. You can easily talk about the future and he doesn’t shut down or get angry. If he has a reason for waiting, it’s a valid reason and he has talked to you about it so that you are not in the dark wondering. He keeps you informed because he cares about your future as well as his own.
Which guy do you want to marry girls?
I feel the need to share this wisdom as a wise old been there gal…..ladies, we all know stories of people getting engaged after eons together, but it’s pretty rare. And I don’t know how I personally would feel entering a marriage at that point of such resentment and imbalance anyway. Because there’s no reason he can’t start dragging his feet again once he’s bought you the ring to shut you up for a while. My girlfriend started her marriage like this, basically everything short of gagging and forcing him down the aisle – and they are now getting divorced. And it’s HER that wants it. Because this is what their whole marriage has been like.
I was there, I waited too. And I know how much it sucks. It eats away at your sanity and your self esteem. But if you want marriage and a future – not just a shiny ring – but the real thing – you won’t find it with nowhere man. Trust me. Aren’t you worth someone who can’t wait to marry you?
Good luck ladies. Hugs.