(Closed) I used to be you…

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
3372 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@distracts:  I wholly agree with you. I guess I was lucky because my Fiance and I were both always open and up front with our intentions from the start. I can’t imagine being with someone for years without knowing exactly what they want out of the relationship and when they intend for it to happen. I would expect most people to discuss those things relatively early on, but I know my fair share of “non-confrontational” people who like to dodge touchy subjects so I can see how the topic could be brushed aside.

 

I do definitely believe that if a man really wants to marry you, he will. No excuses.

 

Post # 33
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I agree that you can’t base whether or not you’re dating a “nowhere man” on the number of years that you’ve been together, everything is SO circumstantial.  If you started dating at 15 and have been together 10 years, you are STILL young at 25.  You may still be in school, not be financially secure and be busy focusing on your career at this point!  You really have to dig deep inside to determine if this person considers you their partner in life by looking at whether their actions are in line with their words.  Actions speak much louder than words!

I think a lot of women ignore red flags and in doing so, set themselves up for future disappointment.

For example, it seems a lot of women come here and ask the opinion of others about something upsetting that their SO did or said.  If you feel that you have a better chance of getting the right answer from people on a message board, chances are something is wrong with your relationship.  You want to get married to this person, be partners through life, marriage, possibly raising children, etc.  How can you do so if you are unable to communicate with each other?

I think that most of these women probably know deep down that their relationships aren’t healthy but choose to stay for fear of being alone and not finding anything better.  I wish I could tell them all, YOU CAN AND WILL DO BETTER!

Post # 34
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@stillwaiting123:  You have a couple decisions to make…

1) Continue to let fear of being alone and never marrying and being called an “old maid” or “spinster” keep you dependent on a man who does not respect or value your worth for the sake of companionship on his terms

2) Decide that you can do better by yourself and do not pick up the phone or respond to texts or emails.  Turn off the phone completely if necessary to break the habit or addiction of picking up. Cut him off cold turkey and start to pick up your self esteem. 

I’ve was with a commitment-phobe for 7 years and ended up in a marriage that lasted 1 year.  Now I am marrying the one who is perfect for me because I found the courage to leave and leave behind my fear of being alone and never being loved again.  Your SO will not change.  You must change or you will continue to have what you are getting and nothing more.  It’s up to you.

Post # 35
Member
37 posts
Newbee

@evrnenpaul:  Thank you!  I do know what I have to do.  The thought of being alone does scare me…I think well at least I have someone in my life…but at what cost.  It’s always when it’s convenient for him. 

I’m beginning to think he’s an addiction.  And I think that cutting off all ties completely will be the best thing for me. It is so sad that I can’t talk to him.  I do come here to get advice when I should be talking to him….That should be reason enough.

Thank you again!

Post # 36
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I just wanted to say that I’ve been there before too. I broke up with my ex of over 4 years after it became painfully clear that it just wasn’t going to happen. He never would give me a straight answer about marriage, and I stayed longer than I should because I was dealing with multiple lay offs and a rotten job market. Finally, after 4 years, a couple of break ups, and 5 months of couples counseling that didn’t pan out, I knew it was never going to happen. We parted ways, and 4 months later I met my current husband.

This time around, it was so different. Yes, I did get a little impatient after I found out that he was officially ring shopping, but I never had to twist his arm to get to that point. We started talking about “what if” pretty early on in dating, and it just naturally evolved from there. We got engaged 3 months before our 2 year anniversary, and we got married 5 months after that.

Post # 39
Member
37 posts
Newbee

Hi everyone!  Just wanted to update you on my situation.  After 12 years of on again, off again, I ended it for good.  I told him basically that after 12 years of waiting, I just couldn’t do it anymore.  This was not what I wanted, needed and deserved in a relationship.  I can’t feel alone IN a relationship.  I’d rather be ALONE!

So although it hurt to end it, it hurt more to stay in it.

Thank you to all of you for your support, guidance and advice.

 

Post # 40
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Sunshine09:  Your story is soo real. I am a waiting bee. My SO and I have been together (with 2 breaks) going on to 8 years. He brought up wanting to get married I was ready whenever he was honeslty and I know I’m waiting because we are saving and I want it to be a surprise. I don’t think it will ever get to that point of frustration for me because we ae at the place and ready now. However I do get frustraed when there are some girls that are seeming to be strung along by there SO. My SO’s brother has been with his Girlfriend for 13 years…..yes you read right and his family feels sorry for her because we all can see that she would want nothing more but to be married to him. At one point he told his mother he would proposed either end of laast year or before the middle of this year. And hopes to not get married for atleast a year after that, and yet still nothing. Sometimes I want to shake her and tell her to woman up before you waste the rest of your youth waiting on something that never seem to be a goal he would like to reach. As much as I love my SO’s brother like my own brother he really needs to figure himself out.

Post # 42
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think it is important for women to realize that while they are locking themselves up into a relationship that may or may not lead to marriage, they are CERTAINLY preventing themselves from meeting a man who is more than willing to take them down the aisle. I only have heard of a few people here and there who get married after ten years of dating. It is rare. I think that unless you were dating since you were teenagers, it is unlikely. When women are sure, they are sure. Some men are, others need a bit more time, but a decade is ridiculous. This is the longest relationship I have been in, 3 years! I don’t have patience for BS… Either a relationship is going somewhere or not.

Post # 43
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@bebelicious1:  Totally agree makes no sense being drag all and wasting good precious time that you could never get back. I met my SO at the age of 16 so we knew it would be a while before getting married when you meet that young even if you both love each other if your not mature enough at that time it could be a bumpy road to get to that point.

No1  should be a doormat. Respect is, IMO, more important then love to help a relationship survive. If you don’t respect your SO nothing is off limits you could hurt them so badly and think nothing of it. A person taking advantage and isn’t love and def isn’t respect. I would respect a guy alot more if he is just honestly if he isn’t the marrying type say it stop hiding and lying and wasting a really good woman’s time from finding that just as great guy.

Post # 45
Member
564 posts
Busy bee

@Sunshine09:  hi, thank you for your post. I was with my 1st bf for 9 years, no marraige, tg, lol. i am currently with somone for 5 yuears now. no he isn’t stringing me along, lol. as I’m an older bee(35) i’ve learned that when you rush things, they’ll generally go  downhill. my motto is patience to the spider. if we marry, fine, if not, nw, we’re still grow old together. thats our promise to each other

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