Post # 1
So, my Fiance is pushing for babies and I’m holding back. He has a son from a previous marriage who is now 5, and lives with us full time (no visitation with mom) and has for 2 years. I am raising his son with him now (actually doing more than dad does usually), and it has been mega parenting crash course for me and has kinda turned me off kids and all that goes with them. Here is how it all began…We had Boy(stepson) for a 2 week visitation summer of 2009. He had been with us (we drove 16 hours out and 16 hours back to pick him up for said visit) for 2 days, when Fiance (BF att he time) got a call from Child Services, telling him Boy was being removed from his mothers care, as were the 2 other children she had from another marriage, due to neglect, unsanitary living conditions and failure to provide necessities. Fiance was happy Boy was staying with us…I was in shock. We really didn’t have a choice, or a chance to talk it over, I just basically became a parent. My Fiance was not overly supportive or helpful in the beginning, and actually ended up moving to a different city for 30 days for a job while I became single parent to someone elses kid for a month. Fast forward 2 years, and I am feeling a bit better, but still have my moments. Fiance has been dropping hints, asking, prodding at me about more kids, including the not so subtle hint that I am almost 32 and isn’t my clock ticking…I tell him NOPE, becoming insta mom smashed that freaking clock to bits! Everyone tells me it’s so different when they are your own, that it’s so much better. Anyone else in the same position? Will it get better?
Post # 3
OMG! Your story is almost identical to mine except I acquired two teenagers! I feel the same way some days. With a younger child they are more dependent, but you also have the chance to mold him as your own.
I would seriously discuss this issue with your fiance! You and him need to discuss expectations. You also need to have at least a weekend to yourself before you come to regret your relationship and resent the kid. Trust me, been there- almost every day. PM me if you need to vent more.
Post # 4
I just wanted to suggest a book to you. It’s called “Stepmonster“. It’s written by a woman who is a stepmother and talks about all the struggles and the difficult dynamics with the kids, husband, etc…
It may be comforting and maybe give you some ideas for how to cope with your difficult situation.
Post # 5
I kind of feel very sad for your step-son if it would be that different if you had your own – it’s sounds like the kid had a rough life with the mom, and I’m sure he had a hard time adjusting being pulled away from his siblings, and then his dad left too and you, who didn’t even know him that well (and don’t seem to care for him much) were left to parent him. I’m sure that he’s more of a handful than your typical child because of everything he’s been through. And I’ve never been in your situation so I really can’t relate, but I just picture the poor kid being pushed out of the picture even further by your new biological child, and my heart breaks for him.
Maybe I’m off base, you didn’t give much detail in your post, but that is what I got from it.
Post # 6
Just want to give you some encouragement. I have not been in that situation and can not imagine suddenly becoming a mom to a three year old.
Post # 7
I had my own bilogical child and I love him with every fiber of my being. I can’t say that I will be trying for another one. Every year that he gets older or hits a new milestone is progress to me and I cannot imagine starting all over again with a newborn. Raising kids is hard regardless of if they carry your DNA or not.
Post # 8
So wait, were you even engaged when the kid first came to live with you? I would say taking on the responsibility of being the sole caregiver to a boyfriend’s child would be a lot for anyone to do, so kudos to you for doing that.
That being said, I cannot believe your Fiance put you (and his kid) in that position. I realize he didn’t have much time to prepare, but let’s look at the big picture: kid is living in unsafe conditions with an unstable parent. He is taken away from his mother, which, while a good thing, is probably pretty traumatic for such a young kid, and it sounds like he has no contact with his half siblings anymore. He is sent to live with his father, who it sounds like he didn’t know well, and his father immediately takes off and leaves him in the care of his girlfriend for a month. I don’t know how that kid wouldn’t be completely messed up!
I know it has been hard for you, and it’s not something you asked for, but you’re doing a great thing as it seems you are the sole source of stability in this kid’s life, which he desperately needs. I definitely give you a lot of credit for taking this on when it seems no one else would.
As far as having more kids, that’s not something I can answer. I can offer that if your husband is so gung ho to have more kids, I get the idea from your post that he could be a LOT more helpful even now. That may be something you want to throw out to him, because right now he sounds like the little kid who wants a puppy and promises his mother he’ll do all the work, and yet when puppy comes it’s Mom who is getting up at 5 am to let the dog out and cleaning up after him.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Post # 9
This 5 year old little boy probably acts out (I’m assuming he acts out, otherwise you wouldn’t have a problem with him..maybe I’m wrong) because he is neurotic, has anxiety, and feels abandoned. I HOPE your Fiance ihad been addressing these issues. he is a little tiny child and can’t be expected to even know how to react to such a horrible situation.
Post # 10
While it’s true that I’m more willing to deal with my kid than with other people’s kids, having a child that is biologically yours is not going to make your Fiance more helpful, which sounds like kind of a big issue with your current situation.
Post # 11
I have a stepson who is almost four. He lives with his mom half time and me and my Fiance half time.
It is difficult. My dear daughter is almost seven and I had a much easier time raising her.
It does get better. I promise. As the kids get older, they require less attention and spend more time doing their own thing.
It does not sound like your issue is with the boy but rather your Fiance.
Post # 12
I’m sure becoming an “insta mom” was a shock to your system. But, be thankful you got him when he was 3 and not 13! You have the opportunity to train him up they way you want him to behave. As pp mentioned, he may be dealing with issues regarding missing his mom, but I don’t know. He was pretty young. You are in control. That is a good thing. It will get better if you make it happen.
Post # 13
OP-do you want this responsiblity? No judgement either way. You are not required to want to take care of someone else’s child. If you don’t, I think there are a lot of issues you need to address with your Fiance.
Post # 14
My Dad became insta parent when my older sisters were 8 and 6. I think that it must have been hard for everyone in a lot of ways. My Mom I think just wanted everything to be happy happy and perhaps didn’t take the time to explain the way things were going to work to my sisters. My middle sister told me she felt frustrated and upset that my Mom didn’t really explain what was happening, just insisted that it happened. I imagine my Dad was also pretty frazzled, though he did his very best to be a Dad (in the course of less than a year, he suddenly had two step daughters and a bio kid on the way).
What is your relationship like with your stepson? From your post, it sounds to me like you’re more frustrated with your Fiance than your SS for just saying “okay, here ya go”.
Post # 15
@flamingred: If she doesn’t want to do this, she shouldn’t be marrying someone who already has children. So I’m hoping OP wants to take care of the child.
Post # 16
I am with @flamingred. I had three different step-parents over the course of my childhood. My step-dad is like a father to me, but we had an incredibly difficult time of it. I idolized my first step-mother and felt very close to her – and then they divorced and it was very painful. My current step-mother is just my father’s wife and it’s best this way. While I don’t know that you can really go back on being a parent to this child, I just want to say that it is your FI’s responsibilty to parent his child, not yours. I honestly believe that children should respect and feel loved by their step-parents, but that there should be a clear distinction between parents and step-parents. That just comes out of my experience. All that to say that there is nothing wrong with you not wanting to be this little boy’s mom! The issue is clearly with your Fiance, not the poor kid.