Post # 1
This hive was so helpful last time (even though I didn’t follow the majority of the comments saying “just leave”) , that I’m turning back again. recap: After I left in the Fall for a week and he convinced me to come back because he does want to marry me and that was the first time he was that definitive, I gave him another shot. He had sworn up and down that he would make a decision by the end of the year. He even booked a last minute trip to his parents’ house for the holidays instead of coming home with mine to talk with them. He returned and I had to ask on December 31st what was the deal- he said that he “appreciated me now more than ever, and he recognizes what a great partner I am” and that he is “much closer to feeling comfortable proposing” but that he wasn’t there yet. He begged me to give him until after our trip planned for my birthday in January.
Our lease was up at the end of february so he suggested I just start apartment hunting after we come back from our trip because he “really believed that three weeks would make a difference.” He was talking about how he was “trying so hard” and “working so hard” to make a decision because that’s what I want and he wants that too. He said it killed him I was hurting but he’s “closer to feeling comfortable making a decision.” After an amazing trip, we come back and sure enough, nothing. Of course I have to ask him because he doesn’t bring it up. I start apartment hunting and he wants me to tell him when I’m about to sign a lease and then begs me for “one more week” and then “three more days.” Finally I get so livid that I am waiting for him like this and about to lose a good apartment, I just sign the lease and prepare to break up with him. The idea was that he would tell me he “made a decision” and “would propose in the future” and then we would apartment hunt together, i think. Even though he had always said that we wouldn’t re-sign a lease together unless we were engaged, as a last ditch effort he begged me for “four more weeks” because our apartment building had not yet rented out our apartment. Come on.
So I have to do that painful process of packing up all of my things and separating them out (he is a procrastinator and basically just packed up his things last minute and found a last minute unit in the same building so he didn’t really have ot move). He’s watching me cry my eyes out because I realize our relationship is over. However, he’s not as upset as me because “he doesn’t think this is the end for us.” Sure enough, I think we are broken up and he thinks this “separation” is “useful for him.” I’m so angry that it’s like I’m a pawn in his game of figuring out his own feelings and being ok with the idea of “forever.”
I tell him that the only circumstances under which I would consider getting back together with him is not just if he came back to me with a ring realizing he made a huge mistake but also if he somehow proves to me that he is someone I can trust with my heart and would put me first. During our relationship there have been some struggles in that I think he has some selfish tendencies and that I have to argue for the things that I want to matter. The way he treated me in terms of moving on to getting engaged seemed to echo these selfish tendencies in that he ignored me for months on end, after my walk date he “started thinking about the future more seriously,” etc. This is the same guy who had always talked about getting married and even had called me in December to loop me into his family’s conversation about our future children’s names. Even on our trip in January he was talking about our freaking wedding registry. This had been ongoing since the start of our relationship.
I’m terrified that he’s going to come around again either without a ring or with a ring, but not with any promises of changing or acknowledgement of how “his process” in terms of “making a decision” hurt me and sacrificed me at the expense of him. I’m scared I won’t be able to resist and will dive back into this relationship because the fact is, I miss him and I love him. But I’m not sure he’s so good for me. I really feel like a future might be a constant struggle of my needs and wants getting dominated by his. He’s been texting me about how much he misses me even though I’ve asked him repeatedly not to do that and to let me move on. He said he’s not moving on and he isn’t saying goodbye to us at all. It’s so weird to feel like we broke up but he hasn’t told any of his family or friends because he’s in complete denial.
I’m starting to date other people and trying my best to release his pull on me. It’s just hard 🙁
Post # 2
You’re on the right path! But now you need to cut the last threads. Go No Contact. Block his #. Not out of anger or spite but to give yourself some space to see that you have wants and needs and you deserve a partner who gives a crap about them! This guy never thought about anyone other than himself. Take some time to figure out exactly what you want in a partner, then go find him. Leave this guy in the dust.
Post # 3
“This is the same guy who had always talked about getting married and even had called me in December to loop me into his family’s conversation about our future children’s names.”
My jaw was on the floor through most of your post, but this line takes the cake. WTF is this madness? He looped YOU into his family’s convo about YOUR future children? How considerate! (sarcasm)
OP you know this is madness. You know you deserve better. You know he is full of bullshit. What makes me the angriest for you is not that he can’t make up his mind, but that he wont’ fucking level with you about it. That tells me he is a selfish, cowardly piece of shit.
Block his number, delete him on your social media, and continue working on moving on. He is playing you for a fool with his endless delays….whatever you do, don’t fall back into the trap. He has had years to figure out if he wants to marry you and hasn’t been able to make up his mind–time’s up, the offer has expired, it’s better to be alone forever than dragged through the unceasing emotional whiplash of being with someone who can’t decide if you’re worthy of marriage.
Post # 4
Ugh I’m so sorry, reading this made me kind of hate this guy. I think you did the right thing walking. I also think you need to make it abundantly clear to him and the world that you two are broken up. He seems to take the word “forever” pretty seriously so I’d use it liberally. As in “we are broken up, forever.”
Guys like this, the ones who KNOW you’re waiting and hurting over it, and then talk about your wedding colors or your registry or how many kids you’ll have, those guys are just the freaking worst. It’s the calling card of the desperately selfish. He doesn’t care what that will do to your emotional state, only that it might get him off the hook for another week.
You won’t have to fight the right guy to marry you. Good luck hon.
Post # 5
Bee in your heart you know what’s best for you.
It’s a horrible situation to be in when you have those hopes and somebody keeps letting you down. It gets to a certain point resentment kicks in.
I second PP’s. Block his number, delete him off social media (block him if needed) and move on.
Post # 6
anonymousdddd : So he just…refused to believe you when you broke up with him and is acting like nothing has changed? Gross. You’re just a prop in his creepy pantomine of what he thinks a relationship should be (for him). Tell him to fuck off, and mean it.
Post # 7
If a guy wants to marry you, he will. Do you really want to be with someone you’ve given this many chances to, only to be disappointed time and time again? Wouldn’t you rather be with someone you know without a doubt loves you and wants to marry you? You deserve better.
Post # 8
anonymousdddd : My ex-h was like this. It was a constant battle between what I wanted and what he wanted and he was more stubborn than me, so he won more often than not. We did end up getting married… I wish we hadn’t. He didnt actaully *want* to marry me, he had it really good with me and I would have walked if he hadnt proposed. He never once levelled with me until I confronted him about where he was at… just like your guy. You deserve a man who knows what he wants and a man who is willing and able to give you what you want without you having to fight tooth & nail for it. I would tell him once & for all that you have decided for the both of you, and you deserve better. Be done, because this will carry on forever and thats so unfair to you.
Also.. please dont date yet! take some time for yourself, figure out exactly what you want so that when you do start dating again, you will know exaclty what you’re looking for. It’ll become incredibly clear when someone isnt a good match for you. And to be clear… I dont think this guy is!
Post # 9
Stop answering his texts and phone calls. Maybe then he’ll understand that you’re broken up.
Post # 10
Agree with other PPs: block his number and you deserve better!
Go on dates but have fun and don’t be serious about it. It’s a good opportunity to see what is out there. Date seriously when you feel like you’re ready and have moved past him.
I can’t help but wonder that he was doing these things to make him look better when you guys (inevitably) broke-up. In my head, not knowing too much about your back story, I wonder if he’s manipulative (“she didn’t want to commit!”…etc.) because something similar happened to a friend. He kept crying wolf and got her to stay, she finally dumped him and moved away. He’s telling mutual friends that she was scared to get married when he was actually the one with issues.
Post # 12
If he does end up giving you a ring, you’ll know its a STFU ring. He doesn’t want to marry you. Move on. Cut ties. Stop contacting/taking his contacts.
Post # 13
I agree with PPs (obv), and I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. This whole situation is immensely unfair to you, and you absolutely did the right thing to walk. Stay strong!
Post # 14
anonymousdddd : please just stop.
This was so hard to read. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BEG SOMEONE TO MARRY YOU? He cant even give you a definitive yes or no for the future. This is after the holidays, 3 more weeks, 4 more days, 4 more weeks BS just irritated the crap out of me. It reminds me of when i tell my nephew we cant go to the park today but we will go “Another day”. He asks when and i just say “another day” I cant imagine how you feel.
However, i cant tell him how dumb he is. But i can tell you to KNOCK IT OFF and quit wasting your time and energy. You deserve better than to be strung along like this. When/if you leave, cut all contact or he will keep filling your head with empty eventual promises.
Post # 15
Print out these responses and tape them to your bathroom mirror so you can remind yourself every time you brush you teeth or wash your face how you deserve a guy who actually wants to be married to you.