I walked and he is still "getting closer to proposing"

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

Don’t take him back even if he gets a ring. I have a friend who broke up with a guy because also had proposal issues. Well six months later, he comes back with a ring and she takes him back. He then got cold feet three months before the wedding. 

Post # 17
Member
3443 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

The fact that he is refusing to acknowledge the break up is just another example of the selfish tendencies you’ve already described. He doesn’t care if you want to break up. He doesn’t want to, so it’s not going to happen, screw whatever decisions you want to make about your own life.

Nothing has changed here. In fact, he’s showing you even more that how you feel and what you want don’t matter by completely ignoring your request that he not contact you. Even in this moment he cannot put his own needs aside for your benefit, so I wouldn’t count on him coming back a changed man any time soon. 

Unless you want to spend your future having your feelings and wants be completely disregarded, I’d move on.

Post # 19
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

he is absolutely going to come back, and you should ABSOLUTELY kick him to the curb when he does. what he is doing is SO manipulative, even if it isn’t intentional. he does not treat you with respect or compassion, and he is SOOOO selfish. pleaseeeee do not get back with him… you will never have your needs met, and the rest of your life will be a constant battle.

Post # 20
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Block his phone number and move on! 

Post # 21
Member
3737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

anonymousdddd :  Actaully, I disagree! I think if you dont plan how you’ll react when he comes crawling back, you may react in a way that you dont want to. You might agree to something in the heat of the moment that you know you shouldnt agree to. Have a plan, have a speach ready. Prepare for this, so you dont get talked into doing something you dont want to do. And i completely agree with you – visualizing yourself with other men and imagining a relationship in which you’re treated better is helpful when trying to decide to be done. I definitely did this, and it helped me be OK with moving on from my marriage. But make sure you sort out your heart and deal with this breakup before getting into another relationship, otherwise it hurts MUCH more and you’ll just get even more hurt. 

Post # 22
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

“He said he is the type of person to obsessively research an electronic toothbrush for 10 hours so it makes sense to him that he’s panicking about forever with a partner.”

Girl, I hope you didn’t just compare yourself to an electronic toothbrush. I hear this excuse on the bee all the time, “oh my bf is just the type that takes FOREVER to make a decision” – and it is just that, an excuse. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen examples of this in my own social circle, with these indecisive men often winding up marrying the next person they date after a very brief courtship.

I don’t care that he’s indecisive about the toothbrush. I too can be extremely ambivalent about purchases. I’ve been known to walk into a sandwich store, hem and haw for 25 min over which sandwich to order, only to finally leave in a defeated huff because I can’t make up my mind. But when my boyfriend asked me to marry him, I didn’t hesitate for one second – I knew in my gut that this was what I wanted, that this was right.

STOP. MAKING. EXCUSES.

Choosing your life partner isn’t like choosing an inanimate object like a toothbrush. You don’t research all your different options and create a comparison chart of pros and cons. If you do, you’re going about it all wrong. No one person is going to be completely perfect on paper. And your boyfriend isn’t going to come up with some final quality in another four days or four years or four decades that suddenly tips the decision in your favor.

To me, the decision to marry someone should be a gut feeling. It should be a decision you are happy about, but also very calm about. It is not something to agonize over. And if you don’t have that gut feeling after a year or two of a serious adult relationship with someone, then I really don’t think you’ll ever get it.

Please value yourself enough to leave this indecisive loser in the dust.

Post # 23
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

anonymousdddd :  I wish I had a dollar for every time this exact scenario featured a man who claims he “obsessively researches” or “overthinks” like it explains away his deliberate choice to string along and stonewall his partner.

Let’s take your toothbrush scenario. Do I want a new toothbrush or not? If I sit with my thumb up my ass pondering the pros and cons instead of, you know, going and getting a new toothbrush, I’ve chosen and accepted the ongoing status of remaining new-toothbrushless. Choosing inaction is a choice–it’s a no. Marriage is a yes or no question and he’s made it abundantly clear to you that his answer is an all-caps N.O. that he is too chickenshit to say aloud. 

This man decided that this relationship will exist soley on his terms, no matter what–he thinks not wanting a breakup means it simply didn’t happen! Only assholes think like that. Block his number and move on. 

Post # 24
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Ugh, girl, run.  He’s just weaving this make-pretend world in his head and your head and his family’s head, and he’s not going to propose.  And you deserve more than that.  This is some catfish-like behavior, but in person.

Post # 25
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

The fact that he’s contacting you when you asked him not to is just confirming how little he respects your wants and needs. You did the right thing by leaving. The only way you’ll be able to really move on is if you get a clean break, though, so I second all the bees who told you to block him. If he can’t respect your boundaries, he doesn’t deserve to be in contact with you. 

Post # 26
Member
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

anonymousdddd :  “the only circumstances under which I would consider getting back together with him is not just if he came back to me with a ring realizing he made a huge mistake but also if he somehow proves to me that he is someone I can trust with my heart and would put me first.” — Isn’t this what already happened back in October though? You gave him an ultimatum, he knew it was a bluff, he told you what you wanted to hear, and you took him back. So…. why do you think this time will be any different? When someone’s actions conflict with their words, you have to believe their actions. Every time. His actions show you he is not going to marry you. He’s comfortable with you, he likes the companionship and benefits of having you as a girlfriend but he is not going to marry you. Woman, he gave you a list of flaws and said “work on these and maybe I might start to consider thinking about possibly marrying you at some point in the future.” Why are you ok with that?

Post # 27
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee

My SO is notorious for being both a terrible procrastinator AND an obsessive researcher. I constantly have to listen to him talk about how he needs to get a certain thing… for months… Then suddenly 6 or 8 or 10 months later, he’ll feel like he suddenly has done the correct amount of research to know his own mind, and he’ll make the purchase. Every. Single. Time. It’s laughably predictable. 

When it came to us talking about our future, his instincts kicked just once. He tried to put off our “solid timeline” talk for another 4 months after I moved in with him. I said that wasn’t going to work for me. He recognized that was just his knee-jerk procrastination and we talked the next day, after we’d both had a chance to think about what we really wanted. That was 8 months ago. Since then, he has instigated just about every ring/wedding/future conversation. He has done research on his own time, and has asked me questions unprompted. He has bought the stone, and suggested just this last weekend that we go compare the two types of pave I’m being indecisive about in person in a store so that we’ll know what setting to order when the stone’s ready to be set. 

My boyfriend is a terrible procrastinator and an obsessive researcher, and it hasn’t stopped him from moving us steadily closer to engagement.

Because he doesn’t need to research whether or not he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. There’s no way to research that question. It’s not really even a decision.

When you know you want that with a person, you just know. It’s not something you can argue or research yourself into wanting if the feeling’s not naturally there. Which is why he’s agonizing so much – he seemingly WANTS to feel this way about you, but he doesn’t.

And hanging some fake-ish breakup over his head is not going to make him suddenly feel that feeling. It might make him pretend to, in order to not lose you. But he won’t really be feeling it. 

You need to move on with your life and find the person who will naturally feel this way for you. 

Post # 28
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 

duchessgummybunns :  “When you know you want that with a person, you just know. It’s not something you can argue or research yourself into wanting if the feeling’s not naturally there. Which is why he’s agonizing so much – he seemingly WANTS to feel this way about you, but he doesn’t.”

+100000

this is exactly what I was trying to say, but you said it much more eloquently! 

Post # 29
Member
2554 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You are not a toothbrush, you are a human woman.  There is not a catalog of women available for him to select from, nor is there a database of reviews he can read detailing each woman’s pros and cons.  This is not a researchable topic, and you are not for sale.

Now I really hate this guy.  If we were friends in real life I’d right now be at that point where I say some super-unfortunate stuff that I’d regret the hell out of if you ever got back together.

Post # 30
Member
9810 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You are doing the right thing. You shouldn’t have to force someone to want to be with you and thats exactly what’s happening. He doesn’t truly WANT to marry you no matter what he says. If he does show up with a ring its not going to be because he loves you and can’t live without you, it’s going to be because he’s too scared to lose the safety net you provide him.

Cut off all contact and don’t speak to him again at all. It will be much healthier and easier for you both to move on.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors