(Closed) I want a cookie for not throttling him. Rant ahead.

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

by your other thread you have only been dating for 9 months, by the sounds of it  hes not ready and feeling pressured – no good can come from pushing a guy into marriage too soon. goodluck

 

Post # 5
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@eloping: I agree totally.

It sounds as though he feels pressured, maybe back off for a bit and forget about ultimatums etc for now.

Post # 6
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Friday night he said he only had a timeline because he felt on the spot by what my best friend said, and what I said about my great-grandmother’s ring. He said, “You know it’s hard for me to make a decision……I just wish he had said nothing on Tuesday, rather than telling me that he had a timeline.

sometimes people say things that the other person wants to hear because they dont want to not upset the other person – not saying im a patient gal btw, i am the girl that told her then Boyfriend or Best Friend of only a few months to get me my ring dammit and he did but we were both on the same page so he was able to laugh and not feel pressured, emotionally he was already in the space of marriage, some guys arent there as quickly

Post # 8
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

How does him not wanting to rush into marriage nullify your life plan? You can still advance in your career, save to buy a home, make lasting friendships, and enjoying a fulfilling relationship with your bf. You don’t have to be married straight away for any of that. Some relatinships move faster than others, he seems to want to take his time. Love is a journey, enjoy it. 

I speak from experience, I’m not a waiter. But there comes a time when you have to just back off and let it happen. My SO is the most wonderful man. And if I was breathing fire down his neck trying to burn his ass to get him to speed things up, I’d burn him out and end up losing him. 

Post # 9
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

He didn;t lie to hurt you, it seems more like he blurted out what you wanted to hear because he was feeling pressured. And honestly, after only 9 months I can completely understand why he’d be feeling that way. 9 months is not ‘perpetual limbo’. And asking him if you needed to get sized sooner or later was pressing him for details about his timeline, don’t pretend it wasn’t. I recommend Mr. Bee’s plan, have you read it? It helped me out alot.

Post # 11
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

You’ve been together for 9 months, you are in a LDR and only see each other during the weekends? It doesn’t sound like you’ve spent enough time together to get engaged yet, to be honest. At this stage you are still getting to know each other, and I am not surprised that your Boyfriend or Best Friend thinks it’s too soon to know if you are getting married.

If the relationship is to move forward, you probably need to see each other more often, so maybe one of you could move closer to the other person, or maybe you could both move and meet in the middle? If it’s true, hoever, that you are both permanently tied down to your respective locations, then I don’t really understand how this will ever work out. How are you ever going to get married and move in together if you can’t ever live in the same place?

Post # 14
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

You’re so adamant that he lied, instead of looking at it that perhaps he had a change of heart after doing some thinking. And tbh, I can see why he’d change his mind. You sited completely legitimate reasons for saying what he said. If there is absolutely no redeeming quality about him to change your mind in any way, then perhaps PP is right and you aren’t ready to be married. He didn’t outright lie to you, but you are holding tight to the “betrayal”. If you can’t trust him, then how can you even THINK about marrying him at all? Is a proposal really going to make you trust him? 

Hell, if I pulled this my SO would run screaming for the hills. He was supposed to come out in July (it’s a real LDR) but there were scheduling conflicts and he can’t get the vacation time. Yet he promised he’d be out in July back in April. Did he lie? No, he just said something without having thought it completely through. So maybe I have to wait 6 more months. Does it make me warm and fuzzy? No. But he didn’t say it to hurt me, he said it because we both want it, but shit happens. I think you’re being out of line. But only you can change your mind about that. 

Post # 16
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

It’ll be okay. I know how hard it is to wait for something, especially when things have been discussed and you’ve been given a timeline. But like you said, he felt on the spot. If he’s the type who likes to think things through, and then think them through again, knowing he made the decision under pressure should be a key insight into what happened. He may have made his decision, but maybe he isn’t ready for you to know it yet, because he needs to think it through a few more times. 

Trust issues are something I’m not entirely unfamiliar with, but remember – he didn’t cause them. And if he hasn’t perpetuated them, then he’s given you no reason to distrust him. He isn’t the people from your past, so don’t crucify him for what they did. I speak from experience on this.

If he’s as wonderful and amazing as you say he is, then enjoy how wonderful and amazing your relatinship with him should be. He’ll do the ring thing in his own time. You can go have it sized, write down the info and you’ll have it handy if he ever asks, even if on the spot 😉 Knowing your ring sizes is a good thing anyway, I know what size every one of my fingers are. 

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