Post # 1
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
I wanted a small wedding and told my Mom I didn’t want her nieces and nephews to come because I’m not close to them. She said that was fine, but I wanted to be sure and so I asked her again and told her that if it would ruin her day if I didn’t invite them to let me know because I didn’t want to have any regrets about my wedding. So she puts on this whole show for me that "loves me no matter" and "will have fun at the wedding no matter what". THEN a few hours later she emails me this totally rude email saying she changed her mind and that if I want this wedding to just be about my Dad and stepmom’s family she doesn’t care if I hate her, she’s not turning her back on her family for me anymore to try to make me like her, and if I’m not inviting them she’ll lie and tell them I eloped.
Ok, I get that she changed her mind – but wouldn’t simply calling me and saying "I changed my mind" have sufficed? Now I have to invite her nieces and nephews to the wedding because I did indeed ask her if she wanted me to, but I am so angry about it because of her manipulative and unnecessary tactics. My parents divorced 25 years ago because she wanted to and I’m getting pretty tired of her emotional blackmail. I feel like here I was trying to make sure she was happy asking her to tell me if she needed them to come and instead of being grateful for caring about her feelings she lashes out at me.
So, I want a divorce (and no I don’t mean from my FH).
Post # 3
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
Ashley! Quite an eye catching post title there.
You’re mom does sound like she is being most difficult and that it is bringing up feelings for you about your parent’s divorce. This sounds really difficult and infuriating!
So what are you thinking you are going to do? Just not invite the neices or nephews? Still invite your mom? Can you talk to her about how you’re trying to keep the # of invitees down?
Post # 4
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
Aww. I’m sorry you’re stuck in this position. Finding a balance for separated families is often very difficult & someone is always going to be unhappy. My father tried to manipulate me financially into getting his way so he could invite his gf’s family (no way dad), so we quickly made the decision that we wouldn’t accept help from anyone so it wouldn’t compromise our wedding day & what we wanted.
The whole "I don’t care if you hate me" thing seems over the top… but she was just in the moment. It sounds like she is jealous of your relationship with your father & your step mother and she just wants to feel represented on the wedding day. Perhaps she wants "her" family with her so she doesn’t feel like an outsider… especially if you are closer to the other side of your family?
Maybe see if, instead of inviting all of her nieces and nephews, she would be okay with you just inviting her siblings? Also let her know that you want her to be a part of your day, but the ultimatums & games are making it difficult to include her the way you want to (even if thats not 100% true).
Post # 5
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
Thanks for the validation about how infuriating it is because sometimes she makes me feel like I’m crazy for being mad.
In any case I think I have to invite them because I asked, but she really stuck it to me about doing it when I would have anyway, and thought I had made that abundantly clear.
So I responded and told her I would invite them because I asked her and now I have her opinion, but I also told her I am angry about what she wrote to me. Who says they’re going to lie and say you eloped? Its just so childish. Of course she hasn’t responded to my email that I’m mad at her because she’s the kind of person that likes to write things like that and then just act like nothing happened.
I really do wish I could just tell her that’s fine she can say I eloped and consider herself uninvited too. Of course, we know who would feel bad about that in the end… me!
Post # 6
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
Poor Ashley! Your mom’s reaction was completely over-the-top and unnecessarily nasty.
Since you did offer, I think you did the right thing by including your mom’s relatives — if you’re really not close they may not come. You also did the right thing by telling her how hurt you were by her insane response.
I completely get where you’re coming from, By The Way — my parents are also divorced, and I’m closer to my uncles and cousins on my mom’s side, which I think causes some jealousy for my dad. It’s tough to navigate.
Post # 7
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Oy, your family sounds just like mine, and that’s how my guestlist doubled with extended family members I don’t actually care about!
I have no good advice for you, but I wanted to tell you I feel your pain!!
Post # 8
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
Thanks ladies for the support. I’m sorry you’ve had the same divorce issues too. At least we can learn from our parents mistakes on this one…