(Closed) I want a holiday at our place, FI doesn’t

posted 6 years ago in Home
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@redheadem:  Can you just have your family over for part of the day, and then go to his family for their celebration for the other part of the day?

Post # 5
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@redheadem:  Ahh ok.  Well that makes it tougher than I thought.

Post # 6
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Honestly, I think including his great aunt is more important than you hosting. Maybe you can host a less-significant holiday at your place – 4th of july, labor day, etc.? 

I mean, I can’t really imagine – “sorry, aunt Dot, I know you’ve had christmas with us every year for the last few decades, but having the holiday at a particular apartment is more important than accomodating your disability, so you’re on your own this year!”

Post # 7
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I understand the excitement about hosting, but I agree that leaving the Aunt out when it’s such a small family and their usual pattern is to see all 6 together seems pretty harsh (and not conducive to cementing family relations…).  It sucks not to have a great place to host people – I’m 32 and I’ve yet to host anything more than the 4th of July (3rd really) where we go watch the practice round for the Boston pops.  We’re not even in our apartment for the 4th!  But I recognize our place is really too small to hold people.  Once we get a house, I’ll invite people over.  Until then we do the mad dance of houses for Christmas, and thankfully FI’s family celebrates thanksgiving on Saturday.

Post # 8
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@mightywombat:  I agree.

OP, I completely understand wanting to host holidays, but if you decide to split up longstanding traditions and family members, prepare for some serious backlash.

Post # 10
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@mightywombat:  I mean, I can’t really imagine – “sorry, aunt Dot, I know you’ve had christmas with us every year for the last few decades, but having the holiday at a particular apartment is more important than accomodating your disability, so you’re on your own this year!”

Agreed.  DH and I are buying a house, and I was so excited to be able to host holidays at our place.  The house we’re buying though, (while super affordable) is too small to accomodate both of our families.  It means we’ll have to wait a bit longer to host holidays.  

Yeah, sucks that your not moving means you can’t host, but your Darling Husband is right not to budge on this.  Especially because in reality, you’ll probably only have to wait a short time longer. The two of you will eventually move to a place that can accomodate family, (and family IS what holidays are about).  And if you don’t, Great Aunt Edna won’t be around forever….which is all the more reason to be sure she is included in holidays NOW.

Post # 11
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If your family rotates who attends each year, it may not seem like a big deal to change the guest list, but I assure you if the guest list is the same year after year, changing it will make a big splash.  You can absolutely have his parents over another time – a smaller holiday, a birthday, anniversary, a random night just because….

Post # 13
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Splitting holidays is one of the harder parts of being a couple. My parents are divorced, so that means THREE sets of parents to figure out. And none of them live in the same state.

There are a million ways to do it…usually, none of them are totally satisfactory. The simplest would be to alternate – Thanksgiving with his folks, Christmas with yours, and then the next year, reverse. Or you can have Christmas with his family, then fly to see yours the next day and just have Christmas a few days late. Or see if his parents would be willing to invite your parents and sister to Christmas dinner.

Post # 14
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I think you need to respect his family traditions and the physical limitations of his older relatives. Mr. LK’s family is a lot like your husband’s. He has a Gramma, an Aunt, her beau, an Uncle, and his wife. That’s it. They are all that is left of what was once a much bigger family. So if one of them is missing from a family gathering, holiday or otherwise, the gap is very noticeable and painful. Mr. LK’s Uncle is homebound, so we all have to go to his home for family gatherings. What we’ve started doing is having 2 celebrations, one on the actual holiday and another a few days later. Like for Thanksgiving we hosted my parents on Thanksgiving Day, and then 2 days later we did another Thanksgiving dinner with Mr. LK’s family at his Uncle’s house. And then we switched on Christmas. Splitting holidays is tough, but it’s just part of life. And when it’s a small family, you need to be even more sensitive to those dynamics.

Post # 15
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@redheadem:  I agree that splitting holidays is one of the hardest parts of being married, but I think at some point, you just have to suck it up. Our first married Christmas was my first Christmas where I didn’t see my family (we live 5 hours away from my parents and across the country from his, who are also divorced). You just have to remember that your husband is your most immediate family now and work from that point, instead of thinking YOU want YOUR family, and HE wants HIS. It would be great if your parents could come to his parents, I think. Or, couldn’t you do Christmas Eve with one and Christmas day with the other? It seems like PA and NY are close enough to make that doable, but it depends where in each state. And yeah, it’s tough but alternating works. 

For us, we agreed on roughly 2 out of 3 Christmases with his side, since we live so much closer to my family and see them more. Since Thanksgiving is short, we see my family. Easter is a toss up depending on what else is going on. I just put the priority on being with my husband and remind myself that his family IS my family now and vice versa. As much as it did suck not being at home on Christmas, it was pretty amazing to be with him. 

Oh, and I have no idea when we will ever get to host a holiday. Our families are so far away and kind of scattered, so it always makes more sense for us to go there, plus we just have a small apartment. I would love to, at some point, but I just don’t know when. 

Post # 16
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@mightywombat:  I agree and that’s what we do.

@redheadem:  This has been probably one of the most contentious issues thus far in my marriage.  It doesn’t help that our families celebrate completely differently (the only thing that is similar is that we both celebrate Christmas and there is a tree).  Initially, I thought that maybe my inlaws would go to my parents one year (for a variety of reasons, this made sense to me), but after spending Christmas with them, I realised that they would be extremely uncomfortable at my family Christmas.  My family loves the holiday and the prep starts in early November.  My Mother-In-Law hates Christmas and doesn’t decorate, etc.  My inlaws also don’t really travel. It’s not worth having them together at my parents’ place.  We’d never hear the end of it from both sides.  We’ll eventually have them together at our place when it’s big enough and see how that goes…but, because of everything, I’ve had to give up my ideal (dream, cray-cray) vision of the big family Christmas.  It isn’t going to happen for me.

If his family will host yours, that would make the most sense for you, I think.  It would be inclusive of everyone and at least you’ll be together.

Remember that your Fiance is going to be your “primary” family from your marriage on (if he’s not now).  Both of your families will have to get used to not coming first.  It sucks and it’s hard, but there it is.  

EDIT: 2 years ago, we had Christmas with my family in January.  It still felt like Christmas to me.  Christmas is a state of mind.  🙂

The topic ‘I want a holiday at our place, FI doesn’t’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors