Post # 1
I need some help/advice.
So, I am getting married in May and want to start TTC right away. I have always wanted children young (I am 27, Fiance is 29). I have been a full time nanny for infants for 4 years so I more than know what I am getting myself into.
He is not ready, and wants to wait a few years. I am having a really hard time trying not to pressure him, and to come to terms with it. I am scared we will have trouble getting pregnant and that I won’t have a child until well into my 30’s (which is fine), but not what I want.
If you have been in this situation, how did you deal with it?
Post # 3
That’s rough. Having children is the first thing after marriage you should be on the same page about.
I’d maybe talk to him. Why doesn’t he want kids early? Is it because he wants to have time with you to himself, or if he wants to see the world with you, or what?
If that’s the case, you need to figure out if it’s something you can live with. Babies are great, but they’re a lifelong commitment. Once you have a child, neither of you are going to have much free time for each other, and your marriage and relationship has to be pretty damn strong.
Unless you have reason to believe you’ll have issues getting pregnant, I wouldn’t worry about it. I mean, it’s the same as worrying if one day you’ll get cancer, or if you’ll get the flu next week — speculation gets you nowhere unless you have any proof of it.
Post # 4
Thanks for your input 🙂
He just wants time to just enjoy being married. Travel, save money etc. Obviously these are reasonable wants so I can’t blame him. I just have baby fever in a bad way!
We do talk about it, he wants to start trying when I am 29/30. Which isn’t too far off, but seems like forever.
Post # 5
Why don’t you volunteer at a daycare or nursery? Would you be able to stave off your cravings that way?
Post # 6
I was in the same boat. WE both wanted kids young but he didn’t want them as soon as I did. Infact, his timeline was “When I am ready, I will know”. You can betcha that was the #1 argument in our house! “I don’t know isn’t an answer” but it was the best he had at the time. So, since I couldn’t get pregant without him and certainly didn’t want a baby he didn’t want, I waited. PAINFULLY I waited. But, it happened. We are pregnant, he is insanely super excited and it is everything I wanted it to feel like (aside from the not so fun pregnancy symptoms…. Enjoy feeling normal while you can.) Was it when I origionally wanted to start? Hell no! But It was the right time for our WHOLE family and not just me.
What I am saying is, you love him. You want to have a family with him. No, it isn’t right when you want it but it WILL happen. And when it does it will still be as amazing as if you were to start now. They wait is hard and frustrating as hell and makes you hate him a little bit on the inside sometimes but think to yourself, would you rather have a baby when you want it and he doesn’t? Or would you rather wait and have a baby when you can BOTH be over the moon about it?
In the meantime, enjoy other peoples kids. They don’t make you vomit for months on and and you can send them home for their parents to “enjoy” all the not-so-fun aspects of parenting at night. This will also give you a little more time to grow as a couple. Plus, if you suddenly decide you want to go to Vegas for the weekend, you can! Enjoy that for now! It does go away.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Future Mrs.L: Wait at least a year and then talk about it after your first anniversary. A few things change once you get married and you will need some time to transition from being the girlfriend/fiancee to being the wife. This is the rule we are following as well because I would start ASAP as well if he would agree but I also understand why waiting a year after we get married is a good idea. We get a full year to be newlyweds so we can travel, canoodle, and enjoy being a couple together before the added pressure of TTC, being pregnant, and raising an infant.
Post # 8
thanks for the advice ladies, very helpful
I like the idea of just taking the pressure off and not really bringing it up, and then revisiting the idea on our 1 year anniversary.
I know it will all work out, it’s just nice to hear it again!
Post # 9
I’m in the same boat, I’m 28 and newly husband is 30 and I want to start trying end of this summer and he wants to wait another year. I babysit all my friends babies, toddlers and kids to try to put me off and it just makes me want kids sooner than later.
This is def something we need to be on the same page with, I do not need resentment from my husband and I don’t want to resent him so it will all come down to compromise. I’m putting off the conversation for a few months, we are doing some traveling this summer so after that I will revaluate how I feel who knows maybe when it comes down to making the decision I will get scared and want to wait myself.
Just deal with it one step at a time, be honest all the way about how you are feeling and never argue about it this should be an open, positive conversation. I always remind my husband that just because I want to get pregnant at that time doesn’t mean the baby comes out right away we have 9 months to prep ourselves.
Post # 10
Oooh I was in THE EXACT same situation but I’m not now so I want to share how I passed through it.
My main reason was fear that I would struggle getting pregnant but it’s just me being paranoid because I have no underlying health issues.
Fiance would rather wait 1-2 years before TTC. I didn’t want him to resent me for forcing him to have children before he was ready, but I too didn’t want to resent him for making me wait longer than I wanted to.
Instead we made a pact – we’d go on one big holiday before we started TTC. We decided on something that was on both our ‘bucket lists’ and something we’d never be able to do if we had children.
We’ve decided to go on a Road Trip of the USA (we’re from the UK). I am now SO UNBELIEVABLY EXCITED. So much so that I’m willing to wait two years if it means we can take 3 months off and go travel.
But then that doesn’t stop the insecurity about getting pregnant. However! I found on the Bee that book Taking Charge of Your Fertility – which will help you find out if everything is as it should be. If you get that book and check yourself, you’ll most likely find there’s no reason to worry.
Do you have any underlying reasons to make you think you’ll struggle to conceive? If not then something like that should put your mind at rest. My friend was 32 and tried for 8 months – she thought there was all sorts wrong with her – then tried the methods in that book and got pregnant the first month.
So my advice is that: find something that YOU want to do – whether that be cross items off a bucket list, do a course – anything – and get really excited about it. Then get that book and tell yourself nothing is wrong with you. Then you should be okay about it. I hope.
I am – so fingers crossed for you, too xx
Post # 11
@lookingglass: Agreed! Europe is our destination this summer as I’ve never been and I am super excited for it, enough for me to redirect my focus from having children 🙂
Post # 12
Aside from an irregular period here and there, no underlying health issues (knock on wood!)
We are taking a 2 week honeymoon through Europe and I am definatly trying to focus my excitement on that!
You ladies have been insanely helpful, and it seems everyone has figured out a way to please both parties in the end.
Post # 13
@Future Mrs.L: Ooooh where are you going?
You may find that you love Europe so much that you want to go again in for your anniversary to see more of the place!
And make a bucket list!
Post # 14
This thread makes me feel abnormal, haha. I don’t understand baby cravings — I just don’t have them. I adore children, and I want some of my own one day, but my husband and I don’t want to think about children for the next 5-10 years (I am 26, he’ll be 26 in April.)
Post # 15
We are going to Ireland & Spain.
I have never been to either, but know I will dying to go back as soon as we leave!