- 9 months ago
- Wedding: City, State
If a man posted this…. yikes.
Stop being weird.
If a man posted this…. yikes.
Stop being weird.
So, I married my ‘casual-fling-from-work’ and couldn’t be happier, so I’m not going to judge you on that front.
BUT you’re taking a serious risk by dating/sleeping a coworker and you should only do it if it’s REALLY worth it to you. People will find out. And some people will judge you. Which is much worse when it’s related to your career.
I tried to keep my relationship a secret until I knew it was serious enough to risk the fallout of people finding out. But guess what – everyone already knew. Some people thought he was still in a relationship when we started up. Some people thought I was using him. Probably some people may even have judged his subsequent promotions. NOW they know that wasn’t true and respect the relationship, but only because we got married.
It was worth it for me because I was madly in love with him and knew that I didn’t want to stay at this company forever anyway. But I definitely wouldn’t risk it for a friends-with-benefits situation.
ilikeautumn : Also, I should have pointed out that I am based in Europe and the mentality here is slightly different than, say, in the US. People here don’t like to sue each other as readily over what is considered petty and don’t approach HR with things could be handled differently.
Listen, most of the western world understands that what you are describing, if acted on, is sexual harrasment. Just because your country hasn’t gotten with the times doesn’t make it not that. And, it is certainly not petty to feel violated by someone’s sexual advances in the workplace.
wolfeyes : thanks for sharing your experience:-)
I must admit that I was a bit shocked and surprised (not in a good way) at the large number of responses who described my post(s) as creepy or gross. So much so that I posted the exact same question (original post) on a predominantly male forum here – in the local language, to get a male perspective. Now, working on the basis that the guys who have responded to my post are not creepy, gross weirdos, I found out that that their attitude overall was completely different. So I am starting to think whether this may be rather than a cultural difference, a gender difference.
Because even though some guys did imply that if I go ahead things at work may get tricky to handle, but overall the responses were encouraging, along the lines of ‘If you’re up for it, go for it’. Some expressed a wish to have a colleague like me ha ha. But none of them called me creepy or gross. Hmm, interesting, isn’t it? I almost wonder (and this is just my personal guess) whether the bees who called the situation creepy or gross might have been projecting their insecurities? I can’t explain it properly, I am not a psychologist after all, but I almost think that some women may worry that their boyfriends or husbands may come across a woman like me in their workplaces and if they’re not properly shielded from her advances by robust HR policies that the woman would go ahead and make a move on their husbands…some of whom may not say ‘no’ to her….just a thought.
Because how else should I explain the fact that here I have been grilled to almost death but when I posted the exact same question on a different forum with a different audience, I got a different approach (not a different piece of advice as such, just a different attitude).
Either way none of the above helps me solve the situation – so I am stuck. I still like him. Or rather I’d like to get some action with him (for lack of a better word) but I also like my job….
ilikeautumn : I almost wonder (and this is just my personal guess) whether the bees who called the situation creepy or gross might have been projecting their insecurities?
No, I don’t think this is it. I don’t know where you live, but in the U.S. and Canada (where most bees live), what you are describing – propositioning a colleague while in the workplace – would be considered sexual harassment. That is very frowned upon in the workplace these days, because SO many women have been sexually harassed and worse at work for decades and decades. It seems like you don’t recognize that, and that’s what people find kind of creepy.
ilikeautumn : Why don’t you just see if he wants to go out and get drinks, maybe in a group setting then gauge his interest or see if there’s any sort of chemistry? I think what were all saying is something like this should come naturally, it would be a very bad idea to just ask him if he wants to hook up- that is sexual harrasment.
While I was dating my now husband (coworker) no one in our office knew and another guy asked me out for drinks, I politely declined and it wasn’t awkward, we remained professional and pleasant with eachother. I knew that this guy probably just wanted to sleep with me though (he’s kind of a fuckboy), him asking me for drinks then backing off when I declined was totally fine with me even if his intentions weren’t innocent.
IF he would have said “I’d like to sleep with you, no strings attached, you down?” That would be a whole different story, I would have been tempted to slap him.
See the difference?
Sexual harassment is sexual harassment no matter what part of the world you are in. That males on your forum find that your idea is just fine with them shows how much more work there is to yet do to change this type of thinking.
You may wish to rationalize any argument which you feel supports your desires ( and I feel that there may be some belittling by you here for those which do not) but you will ultimately make your choice and be responsible for the consequences.
ilikeautumn : girl now you’re grasping at straws. No one is worried that a hypothetical you is going to try to steal their man. The comments you said are over the top. Like you’ve been there three months and have had minimal contact but you have to control yourself not to touch him? I can maybe understand those thoughts if you’ve had crazy amazing sex with this guy and you see him at work or something, but you’ve had nothing close to that with this man.
I think you shouldn’t hook up with people with the intention of it just being casual sex at work, but if you don’t mind the potential awkwardness of it if it goes bad, then ask him out for a drink and test the waters from there
ilikeautumn : but I almost think that some women may worry that their boyfriends or husbands may come across a woman like me in their workplaces and if they’re not properly shielded from her advances by robust HR policies that the woman would go ahead and make a move on their husbands…some of whom may not say ‘no’ to her….
Uh, no. HR policies aren’t in place to “shield” relationships from creepy women trying to pick up their colleagues. That’s a very bizarre mindset. No one thinks “oh, my man wouldn’t cheat with anyone at work, HR would make sure that didn’t happen!” HR policies are in place to ensure that all employees are safe and treated respectfully and equally in the work place. They ensure that individuals don’t have to endure harrasment at work, and if they do, the policy would protect the victim and discipline the offender (you). This has nothing to do with protecting relationships.
Yes, we’re all super concerned about our husbands having torrid affairs in the workplace. Obviously the only logical explanation. It’s not at all possible that you could be wrong.
Look, you obviously decided what you want to do, so why are you so fussed with what we all think? Are you expecting us to say that since some random dudes said it was ok we all now agree that you should go for it?
No. The truth is that you obviously see some truth in the points being made, but don’t like it because it’s not what you want to hear. So you’re making ridiculous assumptions to try to justify your actions.
If you really thought it was totally ok and appropriate to proposition this dude you would have just done it.
ilikeautumn : Yeah it’s less that I think you might hit on my husband at work, and more that when you talk about watching jealously while someone you barely know talks to members of the opposite sex, and struggling to not touch them, it makes me think of those Netflix specials about the obsessed men who kidnapped their neighbour/coworker and kept her in his basement. Sorry OP, it just sounds creepy. I would be horrified to find out a co worker was talking like this about me.
ilikeautumn : You got different responses because a. Men on online forums want a piece of ass and b. Men typically don’t experience sexual violence or harassment at the same rate women do. You also don’t hear about men “sleeping their way to the top”. So what difference does it make if you’re getting disparate responses?
A lot of these women are LOOKING OUT FOR YOU because you may well damage your career of you do this.
But by all means, go ahead. At this point I’m almost hoping you do.
ilikeautumn : The comments given here has nothing to do with insecurity or worrying about our husbands coming across other women in the workplace. (but I’m not surprised that you would be one to come up with such a ridiculous notion)
The women on this forum are generally quite liberal and fairly well educated. Many are also quite sexually open and don’t prescribe to stereotypes and are all for having healthy sexual relationships of their choosing. They would have given you a very different reply in this forum if you had been more circumspect and not as honestly predetory in your description of the situation. You very much degraded this gentleman and talked about him like he was a piece of meat without really understanding that he was a person and not just a body you had to control yourself not to touch when you saw him.
You got a different reply from the men because I’m sure you worded your post differently and with caution and didn’t write that you had to control yourself not to touch him. The response from the women on this site would also be very different because many of us have had situations where we have been and felt harrassed in the workplace and out in public and have been treated like a piece of meat. How many men have been cat called on the street, has lewd suggestions shouted at them from a passing car, been to a bar or club and have had someone grab their ass or make a sexually explicit comment to them. This is stuff that many men have not expirienced but sadly something most women have. We women get what it’s like to be objectified and to be treated like a piece of ass, hence our response to you being very different to the one of the men in the forum you posted on. This has nothing to do with us being old ugly shrews worried that our men will be accosted by hot women sexually down with anything in the workplace and its super sad that is what you would in your mind jump to as our reasoning behind our response to you. It is very telling and says a lot about you.
Either way you are going to pursue this and just wanted validation to take the path you were after….
First off, I do not think you should hook up with a coworker. You are opening the door for a world full of potential awkwardness and judgment. Even if he is the best lay in the world I am not sure it would be worth it for just a fling.
But, if you are going to do it, I second the posters who advise you to ask this guy to join you for happy hour. Worst case scenario- he assumes you’re interested in him and makes an excuse to decline joining you. If he does accept, you can use the happy hour to gauge his level of interest in a fling with you. Just don’t outright proposition him- maybe slip in that you are single and not interested in being in a relationship right now. While in general I advise being direct to avoid any confusion, I do think telling a coworker “I don’t want to date you but I’d really enjoy having a one night stand with you” is a very bad idea. I’d lob a subtle hint in his direction (at the happy hour, not at work) and see where he takes it.
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