- 2 months ago
I feel stuck and frustrated in my relationship. Therefore I want out. However, I also want to make sure that I’m doing the right thing for me. I don’t really want to regret a decision. So I’m going to share my thoughts with you bees, hoping to get down to the nitty-gritty, gain clarity and also hearing about other bees who went through something similar or exactly like it. It doesn’t matter whether you ended up staying or going. I just want to know what actions or which feelings tipped the scale for you to stay or leave. Who knows, hearing about what others did may help me finally make a decision and/or pull the trigger.
I’ll try to keep it as short as possible and to the point:
My SO and I are currently in our early thirties and we are in a long-term, long distance relationship that’s been going on for over 2 ½ years. When we started dating, we each made clear what we were hoping to get out of a relationship. I stated I wanted to get married and have up to 3 kids max ideally, the latter of which is subjected to change. I felt like I’d know more about how many kids I actually want after having my first one. SO – let’s call him Adam – also wanted marriage and he also wanted up to 3 kids max. Sounds great, right? We found out many similarities – values, dreams and all the important things. We each ticked a lot of boxes. The only thing I was worried about biting me in the ass later was timing. I wanted to start having my first one after three years, at the latest, due to the fact that I was three years older than Adam and saw it more as an immediate concern. He on the other hands wanted to wait 5 years. I’d be about 36 then and I didn’t like waiting so long. There wasn’t a good reason to me to wait 5 years. I was worried, but decided to continue dating him. After all, this relationship might run out on its own within the first year or it may work itself out. That’s not an uncommon occurrence. I did decide to bring up future-related topics at milestones just to check where he was in his head or emotional state. And in hindsight, I should’ve quit after a year when he still wasn’t ready to plan our future beyond planning for vacations together. Well, love makes you blind and I’m sure there was a bit of sunk-cost-fallacy going on too. I felt I shouldn’t give it up easily tho, because our relationship was and is good. However, I did set myself a deadline and I allow myself to continue bringing up topics important to me every few months – which I felt was reasonable. I was only able to stay so level-headed, because I’ve kept Plan B in the back of my mind. In case it won’t work out, I will go ahead and become a choice mom. That’s what I decided.
So our relationship continued from our first anniversary. We continued to get along well. There weren’t any big fights, but our future still was a big issue. We were able to regularly or rather once in a while talk about our future like buying a house or having kids, but no firm commitments. The biggest issue so far has been about who moves where. He’d like to stay where he is (for his career and community) whereas I was open to it but preferred to be closer to family – to either my own family or to in laws (I am a family person and I need familial support) and move only when certain conditions are met. He currently lives in DC, but I’d prefer Washington state as it close to his family. As a third option I would also be open to move to a completely new country like Canada, France or Germany together. So I feel I was very reasonable and felt sure there was going to be an acceptable option as no one was going to get completely his way. He on the other hand really would rather stay where he was because his career and community are important to him – even tho he was never going to be without support or career if we’d move to Washington state. He can transfer and he still has his family and friends. I on the other hand would have to start completely anew. New life in an unfamiliar country. So a stalemate which continued until about the start of the pandemic in March.
Meanwhile our relationship started changing. The longer he continued not making a commitment or a decision concerning our future the less interested I got in putting effort into our relationship and started focusing more on my life. By October of last year I completely lost interest in even considering marriage. I was still open to marriage, but it lost importance as I felt I could get married at any age. Children on the other hand I can only have up to a certain age. So having a kid was/is more important to me than marriage at that point. In January, when I asked Adam while he was visiting me for the third and last time whether he wanted to have kids with me and when he was ready to do so and he just said he wasn’t ready, I told him he’d need to date a new woman. Only a few days later he completely turned around and said he wanted a family with me and he didn’t know when, but he would tell me when I visited him for 2 months in the US. Which was going to be in March this year. Well, that did not happen. The pandemic turned up and completely wrecked plans. As events happened (Worsening troubles and a friend who got engaged after only 8 months of dating which lead me to realize I wasn’t happy with where my life is) I told him I wasn’t going to move to US as I didn’t feel like that move was in my best interest (for a lot of good reasons). I felt I should only move if I truly want to be and stay in the US even if at one point we’d divorce. That wasn’t the case. At which point he turned around once again and would move to Washington DC or any other third option. Now, I was no longer interested and I did remind him that with an ongoing pandemic none of us would know when we’d be able to move. Immigration Offices are closed and we can’t even visit each other, because of travel ban. Last we saw each other was in January. It just feels too little too late.
So what prevents me from wanting to continue:
- Unpredictable pandemic that I’m pretty sure won’t be resolved by the end of this year. Adam is more optimistic/hopeful. However, he did say he hates the thought if by next year we still haven’t seen each other. I can understand that, but it also makes me think that we may as well break up now.
- I’m already 33 and want a kid. He understands that, but I feel he didn’t really care until January when I told him he’d need to date other women. And at this point, I feel being a choice mom is a better decision and a choice in my interests as opposed to staying in this relationship and not being sure. I’d feel more in control of my life being a choice mom.
- I don’t feel like I can trust him to try to reach a compromise since for the longest time he only wanted his way. If we can’t resolve that one big issue in way that we’re both happy with … why would I think we can resolve other big issues better? They will only get bigger or rather have far-reaching consequences the more responsibilities are assumed. Also I feel like his heart isn’t really into having a family until a few things are done. He has to have to be at a certain place in life.
- It’s been already more than 2 ½ years which honestly is more than long enough and he still hasn’t made any kind of decision or plan and I feel like it’s not going to happen with him.
- Conversations only ever happen on weekends for about 2 hours. That’s it. I tried to get more going but at some point if effort doesn’t lead to success you’re going to stop bothering. That’s here I am conversation-wise. That’s not a relationship that I want. Not even in a long-distance relationship.
- As a consequence I no longer see a future with him.
Now that I’ve written it down and read it again myself – I definitely should leave. Even if he IS a good man and treats me well. The other day my therapist even said it herself: I’m trying to make him “move”, but he is still “waiting”. It’s inertia that my relationship suffers from and he doesn’t see it or doesn’t care enough. I’m sick and tired of it. I feel more like a furniture than a part of his life. He can make decisions in other areas of life, but when it pertains to our future… no decision making unless I tell him off! It’s not even possible to do during pandemic and it sucks – majorly! If he can’t make a decision, then I should make one. I’m done. Anyone ever felt that way, what did you do and what ended up happening?