I want out!

posted 2 months ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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@trachtenqueen:  

I only have a little experience in long distance however the “inertia” and the “waiting” simply means he’s waiting for something better to come along.  By something I mean SOMEONE.  He’s made his decision about marrying you but isn’t ready to tell you as he knows its relationship ending.  

But you can sense he’s got one foot out the door can’t you?  That’s why you’re pretty much done.  However if you need more proof simply take one small snippet of your post and see it as all the reason you need to leave.   “I don’t feel like I can trust him“.  If you don’t have trust you don’t really have a relationship.  

OP stop trying to stuff a square peg into a round hole.  Do what you know needs to be done.

Post # 3
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry that you have to breakup with your boyfriend.

I haven’t been in this EXACT situation, but I know that I’ve had a lot of the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing, and I can tell you that holding on for longer is not going to improve things. 

And you’re at a point where spinning your wheels is no longer an option if you’re going to get the life you want.

I think we’ve all had to break up with someone we love because it’s just not “in the cards.” 

Strength. 

Post # 4
Member
2129 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Bee, if he hasn’t been taking initiative to close the distance gap in this relationship or otherwise move things forward, he’s not going to. This won’t change overnight and probably won’t change ever. 

You sound confident and powerful when you talk about being a choice mom. Not so much when you talk about your future with him. That’s telling, and I think you already know which path is best. 

I was dating a man for almost two years when I was 29, and he wouldn’t commit to moving in together, a timeline for engagement, or anything more than “I’m not ready”. I pushed him for a definitive answer one last time, and then pushed him right out of my life when he couldn’t provide one. Don’t get me wrong, it hurt like hell, but less than two years later, I met my wonderful fiancé. I’m so glad I didn’t continue to waste my time with someone who clearly was not right for me. 

I think you know it’s time to move on. Tell him kindly and directly that this relationship is not working for you, and that expecting him to change is not a safe bet. Don’t let the conversation drag on. Don’t let him slide back into your DMs. Block him on everything and start healing. It sounds like you’re a strong woman who has a lot to look forward to! 

Post # 5
Member
1516 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

This relationship seems one sided. He has always had one foot out the door. You just recently stuck your foot out.

Leave. You’re his Plan B girlfriend. The one he settles for (maybe!) when he’s 50 and can’t find better.

You can do better. I’ve been in relationships where he just wasn’t that into me, and I was too blind to see it. You are finally seeing it.

Post # 6
Member
1958 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

You strike me as a very analytical person. Perhaps even the type of person to have written down an actual list of pros and cons about this relationship on a piece of paper. You have very specific goals, very specific needs, and you seem to have solidified these in a very firm, almost desperate way. 

There is nothing wrong with this. But you are clearly a very organized thinker. And he is clearly not. 

I encourage you to think about how you FEEL. Analytical thinkers tend to struggle with this. Open up your heart, do some meditating, and ponder how the relationship makes you feel. Scrap all your goals and lists and pros and cons, just for a moment, and listen to your heart. Do you love this man? If you don’t, then leave. It really is that simple. Don’t think about logistics, don’t think about pros and cons. Just think about love. 

Post # 7
Hostess
4550 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
@trachtenqueen:  I’m in DC and unfortunately, a lot of the men in this city are the perma-bachelor type.  I know quite a few guys in their late 30s and even 40s here who are mentally and emotionally 20 years old.  I agree with PP that you two don’t seem compatible.  He’s being wishy-washy while you’re confident in what you want.  D.H. and I were long distance for a couple years when I was finishing grad school and he had started working, but we closed that gap as soon as we could.  Your S.O. doesn’t seem interested in making that effort, despite you offering a lot of different options that should make it easy for him to agree to.  I think you know if you stay, you’re going to be wasting more time when you could be a mom.  If I was 33 and wanted 3 kids, I wouldn’t wait around for a soft maybe either.  Go be a choice mom – I’m sure you’ll be amazing at it! 

Post # 8
Member
6167 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

You should have left him years ago, when he said the 5 year thing, and had absolutely no plans for this future. There were so many red flags you overlooked. Time to move on.

Post # 9
Member
7129 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think you’re right to call this one done and move on and make your own choices for your life. It sounds like he has told you what he wants (or that he doesn’t want what you want when you want it), but in a very indirect way – because he isn’t taking action in the way you want him to and he isn’t willing or able to say when he will. You are on a more urgent timeline than he is or than he wants to be. You also seem like you have some really firm (almost rigid) ideas about what you want for yourself. The pushing for him to leave his job one one side of the country because you want to live on the other side of the country near his family (or you’re also willing to live in 3 other completely different countries, which seems a bit wtf, imo) seems like a clear sign that this isn’t going to be resolved in the way you are pushing and in short enough time to satisfy you.

When you are clear that you want things to be a certain way and on a very clear timeline, it’s easiest to just go on and do them yourself.

Post # 11
Member
9993 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@trachtenqueen: 

Having read through your posts, it seems to me you have it well in hand OP. I don’t mean you are happy about it, far from it, but it seems to me you are well, if ruefully, aware that he is not the one. He is no doubt a nice man, but  not enough really , not brave enough, not committed enough, not generous enough. 
When you said reading back your own posts it became  clear where you were heading l think that was insightful and true. Not going to be easy, but l feel sure you can and will move on from him. I wish you good luck and happiness.

btw, what is a ‘choice mom’? Does it mean a woman choosing to have a child without marriage/ partner? Just never heard the expression before . 

 

Post # 12
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

So sorry you’re going through this. I was also in an international long distance relationship and it is exhausting! Especially when you don’t know when you’ll have a proper life together. It sounds like you know what you need to do which is great. It is not easy! I had to pull the plug as well since he wasn’t committing. Wishing you all the best and I love that you’re focusing on yourself. It will make the breakup easier. 

Post # 13
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@trachtenqueen:  bee, if you wanna be a mum, get outta there. I was married to a man who promised kids over and over. Once we got married he refused to even bring it up. 18 months later I left because I too was 33 and I knew I would regret it for life if I didn’t at least try to fulfil my dream of parenthood. 

I was set to have a baby on my own…took fertility tests, considered options for a donor (including a very dear gay friend who agreed), and then…I met my partner. 

I met him when I was about to turn 34. I have a two year old son who is the shining light of my world and another son due in 3 weeks. I’m about to turn 38. 

whether you have a bub on your own or meet someone else, if you are MEANT to be a mum (like I have always felt), try your best to make it happen. My child is the missing part of my soul and my new baby is the absolute icing on the cake of life. No man is worth missing this wonder. 

Post # 15
Member
840 posts
Busy bee

I agree. Hes not 100% in it

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