I want people in my life to know I wasn't the other woman

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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aclockworklilac :  If the step son was in high school, he already knows more than the parents think he does. His dislike of you might not have anything to do with the reason of the divorce. He may just not like you. I am not saying that to be mean, just tossing in other options. Also, maybe he just wants to be done with all the drama that is his parents and is choosing to just distance himself. 

As for the ex, you can go to HR but have printed out text messages as proof or it is just your word against hers. 

 

 

Post # 33
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1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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aclockworklilac :  The son was present for the arguments between his parents. His anger at his father may be for reasons you do not know. 

You say the ex “left on her own”… so your husband remained in the home with the son and then you moved in? Did the ex move out before the divorce was final? 

It just seems that there is more to the story then you may know. OR you are guessing at reasons to anger without really being in the know for those arguments. 

The son is in college, so he is an adult. Invite him over for lunch and have a calm adult conversation about how you’d like to have a better reationship with him. BUT be open to his opinion and statements on that. If he chooses not to want that, that is OK and his right. Then you must let it go. 

Post # 35
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I don’t think that HR would appreciate being pulled into this kind of dispute, especially since I can’t prove that she’s the reason I didn’t get the job

Pardon if I’m a bit of a broken record here but you’re looking at the HR route all wrong – You aren’t pulling HR into anything. The Ex & her Bestie already did. You’re just clearing up any misconceptions & documenting this for future reference. Regardless if you would have gotten the job or not, the fact that the Ex even KNEW that you were up for a promotion means Bestie blabbed about this to her & that’s not kosher. She apparently brought in external bias concerning your employment, which is an abuse of power (unless your husband or your SS told Ex about it? Is that a possibility? If so, you need to find out). 

When you go to HR (which I implore you to do), approach it with the calm attitude that, while you don’t know all the facts, it has come to your attention (because of the phone call between Ex & Hubby) that Bestie may have discussed your possible promotion with your husband’s very toxic Ex & the Ex claimed that you didn’t get it because of their friendship. Now, you’re not sure whether or not that’s true but because Bestie’s objectivity is now in question when it comes to you, from now on, you’ll require a different higher-up to evaluate you the next time you’re put forward for a promotion as all you want is a fair shake; no more, no less, and you no longer trust that you will get that fair shake if Bestie is involved. You’re not angry, you’re not gonna sue (yet anyway), you’re not creating a drama. You are simply protecting your job. 

This is totally REASONABLE. You’re not asking for HR to get their pitchforks out & you’re not trying to get Bestie in trouble but this is what’s happened & you are now forced to ensure that your hubby’s Crazy Pants Ex doesn’t poison your career. You have every right to do that; be business-like & clear when speaking to your HR rep that that’s where you’re coming from. Their job is to protect the company & an executive who is using their position to conduct petty vengance on an employee over a non-work related matter that involves an outside party is EXACTLY the kind of thing they want to protect the company from. The ‘H’ in ‘HR’ stands for ‘Human’; sometimes humans are messy & have messy problems that seep into the workplace – That’s why they’re there. 

But if you really aren’t up for that, I guess looking for another job is an option. I didn’t suggest that like some PPs have cos I know jobs aren’t exactly easy to get (unless they are in your line of work) but also because giving up your job is likely to encourage Ex to keep fucking with you. She wants you to GO AWAY & what better way to do that than going after your money? Making you quit is fantastic motivation for her to keep going. Playing meek & submissive with her won’t get her to stop. However, she may not have the ‘in’ at another job like she does with your current one. You’ll have to do some research I suppose. As you can tell, women fucking with other women’s jobs is a huge pet peeve of mine. We have enough obstacles & prejudices to deal with. I know I’m not you but the second that bitch went after my security, I’d make her MY pet project & she’d rue the day she tried to put her hand in my cookie jar. We all work too GD hard to have some reject sabotage our future. But that’s me & please forgive me for being forceful cos I only want to let you know – You are allowed to stand up for yourself & I really don’t feel women are told that enough. 

As for other people knowing about when you started your relationship, you can pepper your conversation with things like, “When Hubby & I got together after his divorce…”, “Hubby & I worked together but it wasn’t until after he got divorced that we realized our feelings for each other…” Basically, your key-words are, ‘after his divorce’. It’ll sink in. 

Post # 36
Member
9425 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

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aclockworklilac :  I agree with PP, you’re not ‘dragging HR’ in to anything, you’re telling them about two human resource issues: one is that a higher up is feeding somoene who clearly has it out for you private information about your career, the other is that you’re currently experiencing a hostile work environment.  HR probably can’t do much about either, but at the very least they can document it.

“You may not know this, but Boss X’s best friend is Husbands ex-wife.  Husbands ex-wife recently took the time to boast to Husband, in great detail, how Boss X told her I was applying for Y job and how together they blocked me from recieving that promotion.  Now, I’m sure this is an exaggeration told to get under my skin and that Boss X would never stunt my career just because her friend asked her to. However, it is concerning to me that the fact I applied at all was shared with Husbands ex-wife.  I’d appreciate it if I could feel secure, going forward, knowing that information as personal as what promotions I’m pursuing will not be shared with people who is in no way are associated with the company, especially people who have a malicious obsessesion in me.

I also want to report that I have heard that, for some reason, gossip that I was the reason for my husband and his ex-wife’s divorce is circulating the workplace.  This rumor is blatantly untrue, in fact the truth is the exact opposite with regards to who cheated on whom, but regardless for some reason this rumor seems to be spreading and is making me feel rather ill at ease.  I don’t know who is starting these rumors, so I can’t ask that you do anything specific to stop them, but I would like it on record that this is going on in case if it becomes relevant at a later point.”

Post # 37
Member
19 posts
Newbee

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amanda1988 :  This is beautiful & so much more succint than my reply! Honestly, if you said this word-for-word, OP, you’d be set. And I never even thought about the whole ‘divorce rumours creating a hostile work environment’ aspect. You should absolutely bring that up too & kill 2 birds with one stone. 

OP, pay attention to amanda – She knows of what she speaks! 

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