(Closed) I want to be married…but do we HAVE to live together???

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
322 posts
Helper bee

@des salazar – Yeah, I get the same hangdog face from BF if I tell him I need to be alone for a few hours or that I’m doing some activity without him. He needs to get used to it though… just because I’m in love doesn’t mean I’m joined at the hip!

Post # 33
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

I concur.  Before my Fiance and I moved in together, my sister warned me that for she and my Brother-In-Law, learning to live together was MUCH harder than actually getting married!  And now that we’ve lived together 1.5 years, we get along fine but there have some rough spots and quite a few “discussions” along the way.  It just takes a lot of patience and a lot of compromise!  We have a guest bedroom which is nice as a back-up, like when one of us is sick or has a crazy early morning flight.  I’m really a Type A and I like to constantly clean out/purge and I have to be esp careful with his stuff, because he is more of a saver.  But I’ve learned to be patient with his “stuff” and he slowly comes around to throwing out old clothes, books, etc. after I casually suggest things.  🙂

Post # 34
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You are SO not alone! I lived alone for 1.5 years while my now-DH was deployed. All that space, all for me. Even last night I felt a pang of….sadness? Because I had to watch football and not something else. Well, i wasn’t going to be mean and make him change it, ya know?

He and I are very much personal space kind of people. I really do wish we had a bigger bed. He wakes me up a lot and it makes me crabby. He doesn’t have to work yet but I do, so it’s really unfortunate he gets up so much =(. I’d recommend a big bed if you can get one!

Otherwise, as long as you each acknowledge personal space you’ll be fine. When i need mine, i tell him, and he leaves me alone. He goes into another room and watches football. Often, he goes downstairs and plays videogames. Which is AWESOME. I get the whole upstairs to myself for a couple hours and I just get to do what I want to do. When I’m crabby (like yesterday–sometimes i’m just a big mean crab in the morning), he catches on within 5 minutes and stays quiet until my mood gets better (a couple hours usually, but I’m just generally not uber friendly in the morning). Sometimes he gets all snuggly cutesy with me in the evenings and I have to tell him, “look i’m busy. you get ONE kissie, but i got stuff to do!” and he’s like “okay no biggee” about it. I understand, tho–he doesn’t work, he misses me while he’s gone, etc. Meanwhile I’m taking 9 credits, working full time, and i’ve been traveling for work. But, i find as long as we communicate and don’t take it personally (have this talk with him BEFORE you need your ‘me time’), it isn’t a big deal.

I’m not a person who can be around their SO 24/7 without going bat crap bananas. So coming from one person who was quite content to live alone to another, it’s doable. Just maintain the individuality of it on occassion and relish in the togetherness other times. And while you guys may be extra snuggly now that you’re LDR, you may find that you’re not like that when you move in together. I know we now are perfecty content to sit on the same couch WITHOUT necessarily touching each other (which means I can knit or play on my laptop while watching a movie) whereas before we were always touching or holding hands or something, knowing the weekend was soon to end and he’d leave.

Post # 35
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

You know, I used to be like that too.  I would actually just stay at my then BF’s apartment in college, because I didn’t like anyone coming into my space and messing things up (I didn’t want anybody drooling on my pillows or anything! my room! haha).  When I lived at home during highschool, I would always keep my room totally separate.  Now though?  My husband and I can’t get enough of each other.  If he is going to be sitting in the office for a while, I will go get a book and sit in the chair across the room from him.  I will admit though – he travels for work sometimes, and it does give us a little break and alone time.  Maybe that is what makes us joined at the hip when he is home?

Post # 36
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I guess it’s slightly different because we have a house, and plenty of spots in that house allow us to get away from each other, but most of the time, I like to be in the same room as him.  I’ve always been like that though 🙂

Because you’ll both be in the apartment a lot, can you schedule “alone time?”  My husband has poker night every Tuesday, so I know I have that time alone in the house and I relish it!  Mostly I clean and do laundry, but it’s great to eat crackers in bed or spend hours reading cookbooks or something without him there to notice.  (Not that he cares of course, but there are somethings best enjoyed alone!)  Perhaps you could each agree to have a night out with friends, or even schedule a night where you or him could spend 2 hours at the library after school to give the other person some space. 

I think in time, you’ll begin to enjoy having him around! 

Post # 37
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I really liked having my own space as well before we moved in together. In our house, a room downstairs is dedicated as his “man cave”, and he’s got video games and a bar in there. The boys come over for poker, video games, etc. and I have the main floor of the house all to myself for hours at a stretch. He thinks I was really nice to give him an entire room for his own use – little does he know it was a gift for both of us!

Post # 38
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I know the feeling…

Having time to yourself is the best time sometimes. And being married is amazing. But sometimes… I wish I lived by myself, and didnt have to pick up dirty clothes off the floor and do someone elses dishes, and got to watch my own TV shows and spend as much time on the internet. Sometimes i miss living by myself LOL

Post # 39
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It’s a BIG adjustment living together and you’re not going to fall into a routine overnight.  We’ve been living together for about a year, and spent almost every night together for a year before that.  Now that we have a house and our own personal space (not to mention a bigger bed) it’s infinitely easier than my previous 1-bedroom apartment.  Sharing a small space with another person is challenging at best.

You can make it work if you want to.  Playing house is a TON of fun.

Post # 40
2143 posts
Buzzing bee

I once read an article about a married couple who chose NOT to live together. They lived in the same city, but not in the same place. It’s really quite interesting!


Post # 41
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

This is why I’m so glad we lived together before we got engaged.  My Fiance moved into my apartment (1-bedroom) and though he’d had roommates before, I’d lived along for 4 years.  It was hard to adjust to having to share space with someone else, but we did it.  Just cut yourself some slack at first and be sure to talk about what you guys are feeling!  We had fights at first over learning to share space but it got worked out eventually.  Though we would kill for a king-size bed…

Post # 42
631 posts
Busy bee

I haven’t read through all the comments, but I wanted to share what my husband and I do — have separate bedrooms!  Now, I know most people wouldn’t do this, but for us it works amazingly well.  We have different sleep schedules – thats the main reason we do it – but it also helps in terms of having some space from each other when we need/want it. 

There have been several recent articles about couples doing this more and more.  Google “BBC separate bedrooms” for one article that says its great for sleep and ultimately your relationship….

Post # 43
27 posts
  • Wedding: May 2010

When I was younger, before I met my Fiance, I always announced to friends and family that I intended to maintain my own bedroom even after I get married.  I like my personal space that much.  After I met my Fiance, we even purposely rented apartments on different floors in the same building instead of living together (which we were ready to do).  After a couple of months, I laughed to myself when I realized we totally wasted our money since I was spending 80% of the time at his place (including overnight), and he would be spending about 20% of the time at my place… so, in effect, we were together all the time!  We broke our respective leases a few months later, and moved in together in a one-bedroom apartment. 

I can’t say it hasn’t been an adjustment to have him there permanently, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Laughing

Post # 45
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I bought a house 4 years ago. It’s a big home with four bedrooms, a full finished basement and a loft. The bedroom in the basment has been converted into a home office for him on his 36th birthday and one of the bedrooms upstairs on the main level was already set up as an office by previous owners, so that’s my home office. We have two full bathroom one located in the basement. The loft is set up equiped with an office area, a claw foot bath tub, a sitting area, and a bedroom area. I wish I had a full bathroom up there (no toilet) and a large television!

My boyfriend/FI and I are not yet living together and I swear, I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it!Sealed I am a neat freak and I don’t know how not to be that way! I have a 14 year old daughter and it’s just always been just the two of us and we know what to do around the house to keep it to my standards. I have her trained very well! lol! I just don’t know what’s going to happen once he moves in… I am so afraid of him moving in because I feel that it will be the end of our loving relationship. I honestly believe that the only reason we are still together is because we are not living together. My daughter says that I am hard to live with. She says that I have too many rules… I am so afraid that he will be miserable living with us. I wish we didn’t have to live together once we become engaged! I am so worried about this! You guys just don’t know!

Post # 46
2343 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would love for Fiance and I to have more personal space when we do move in together, but its probably going to be a one bedroom apartment Frown I think the biggest thing for us would be separate bathrooms, though!

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