- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
Hi Bees, I’ll try and cut to the chase. I can’t talk to my friends or family because my friends are all so excited and I don’t want to kill their buzz. Half my family is happy and the other half doesn’t care, and my mum (you may remember her in a post I wrote recently http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-mum-hates-my-fi-and-its-killing-me/) hates my Fiance and I simply can’t talk to her about anything anyway. I don’t know if there is any advice one can give, maybe I just need to vent.
My wedding is on Friday and I don’t want to go. It’s not my Fiance at all, I have no doubts about him and we are getting married for the right reasons. I think we wanted a wedding for the wrong reasons though. FI’s family and my family have kind of had a rough year (many family losses and difficult job situations) and when we got engaged in December we thought it would be nice for our families to have something to celebrate. We shouldn’t have bothered with that, we should have just gone and had a little tiny ceremony with just the two of us, but we felt like we’d be letting everyone down by not doing a wedding. And at times, it was fun to plan and hang out with my bridesmaids and get their dresses, but overall a wedding is just too much for me and I’m definitely over it now.
I was so not into dress shopping because I don’t have the greatest body image and I thought I wasn’t going to look good in anything. I did find something and I thought it was really pretty and I felt pretty in something (for the first time in a long time). I went for my final fitting today. I woke up not feeling very well (I hold my stress in my back and shoulders so they were very sore and I have a tension headache), I haven’t been sleeping well (lots of nightmares about the wedding) and it was really hot today, so I felt gross. My mum got my aunts and grandmothers and took us all to the last fitting as none of them have seen it yet because I was too self-conscious.
I got the dress on in the room by myself and even though my face was red from the heat and I was sweating, I thought I looked ok. When the shop owner was lacing up my dress and had my mum helping, I felt so fat as they tugged and heaved on the fabric and gave one another direction to get the thing done up. When they had me come out finally and finish lacing it up, my mum just kept asking if the shop owner could let the dress out more because I was so large and it looked bad. They got me to turn and show my aunts and grandmas, and nobody really said anything except “smile, it’s your wedding dress”. I guess I must have looked miserable. The shop owner was not impressed when I said I wasn’t wearing a veil, and my mum just criticized me the whole time. At least the audience watching got a show.
Then the shop owner and my mum were poking at my back because the dress wasn’t pulled up high enough (and I was sweating so it was stuck to me, the shop was as hot as hell and, conveniently, I felt like I was in hell) and so there was some back fat, which was never there before when I’ve tried it on the last four times. My mum kept insisting that the dress be let out, the shop owner kept telling her no that it was fine. They finally agreed to put a larger pannel in the back saying that would at least eliminate the back fat but wouldn’t let it out.
I just looked in the mirror and I felt fucking ridiculous. Just utterly idiotic.
I went back into the changeroom and took the dress off, it took every ounce of self-control not to rip the stupid thing. I was mostly dressed and pulling my pants on and my mum just opens the door and tells me because of the alterations that have to be done plus the steaming, it’ll be $110. Then closes the door and leaves. I could have argued and said to leave it as it is, but I just don’t care anymore. I’m so freakin’ sick of the whole thing, I can’t even be bothered.
Now, I just don’t want to go to the wedding. I know it’s too late, and the money is invested and I can’t back out because I feel ridiculous in my dress, that’s a stupid reason. I rummaged through my closet, but I don’t have anything else I can wear that’s really suitable. Fiance was disappointed when I said I didn’t want to wear my dress, he doesn’t understand why I liked it before and now don’t like it. I’m nervous as hell that my mum is going to pull a stunt at the wedding. I’m stressed out about looking like a tool in front of all these people (not that many, actually, just 40).
I just want to go marry my Fiance and blow off the wedding.