Post # 1
I agreed to be a bridesmaid for one of my old best friend’s weddings. Her and I met the first day of kindergarten and we were best friends for years. Throughout middle school and high school she treated me like crap. I started hanging out with a new group of friends and we just sort of drifted. We still saw each other as our parents were best friends but things were never the same and she continued to treat me poorly. We are in our mid 20’s now and things still continue but for some reason I keep putting in effort to be friends with her. I got married a few months ago and she was in my wedding. She left the bridal shower early to throw herself a birthday party and not tell me about it. She got extremely drunk at the bachelorette party and made the entire thing about her. And then she complained all morning on my wedding day about having to wear makeup and curl her hair. She didnt take a picture with me once (unless it was a group picture with the photographer) or talk to me the entire wedding. She is now getting married in a couple of months and asked me to be her bridesmaid and I agreed. Her wedding is December 1 and I am just figuring out logistics. Since my husband and I are already spending Christmas in two different states with our own families and we cannot afford to fly me back and forth multiple times, being in her wedding is going to mean spending and entire month away from my new husband. Ive been on the other end and I probably would have been extremely upset if she backed out of my wedding. But, I also know that she would never sacrifice an entire month away from her hubby for me. And I just cant help but think of all the times she has treated me poorly on top of that.
Am I being selfish for wanting to back out? Am I allowed to do that? And if I am, how do I go about it?
Post # 2
harley2017 : Why do you let her treat you like a doormat? She clearly has no respect for you or this friendship.
YES, bow out of her wedding….and then bow out of her life.
Post # 3
Yes, you are being selfish, but she is a jerk. Yes, you can back out, but your friendship will be over because it will cause considerable hardship on her being so close to the wedding now. Keep it short and simple, maybe even honest about how her actions have impacted your decision to put your new family first for the holidays.
Post # 4
bridetobe2018 : I guess I don’t see how the OP is being selfish. There is no way in hell that I would spend an entire month away from my FI just to participate in a wedding.
harley2017 : I would not continue to let this chick walk all over you. This probably will be a “friendship” ending move to her but it sounds like that friendship has been over for years anyways. Did she pay for anything for you to be involved (dress, hair/makeup deposit, etc)? I would urge you to pay her back for those things if so but otherwise I see no reason why you should have to spend so long away from your new husband or so much on flights to travel back and forth for someone who treats you like shit.
Post # 5
harley2017 : If you back out you are more than likely going to blow up your friendship. IN this case it sounds like a friendship you should have let go a long time ago. So I think it’s fine to call her and back out.
I will say, the part of your story that sounds really odd is that you asked her to be in your wedding just a few months ago. But maybe that was the real final nail in the coffin that made you realize she wasn’t someone you needed to count as a friend?
If she’d been a really good and supportive friend to you I’d say it was selfish not to make a sacrafice for her on such a big day. But given that your relationship is already in a bad place, I wouldn’t call this selfish. Maybe this is overdue for you two.
Post # 6
cbgg : It does sound odd that I asked her to be in my wedding! I had been living out of state from where she is for a couple of years and sort of asked her for old times sake. Our parents are still best friends to this day and I just wanted to kind of give her once last chance. She definitely blew it and it really did make me see where our friendship laid in her eyes.
Post # 7
Wait, did she only JUST ask you to be in her wedding that’s this coming December?
Was it a quickly decided wedding date? Or she’s had this wedding date for ages and only just asking you now?
Could you say something like “because of the short notice and travel plans already made in December, I can’t sorry”???
Post # 8
smalltownbigworld : Thank you for saying that. I do agree, it is just a very hard choice. She hasnt paid for anything for me to be in her wedding. She actually is letting us pick our own dresses, but she has vetoed the last 4 Ive proposed so that is adding to the frustration a bit too.
Post # 9
probablyitachi : She asked me a month ago, but yes it is a quick wedding due to the military. Part of what is adding to my guilt is that I already said yes when she asked me and since our parents are so close, she knows that I dont have travel plans or any excuse like that.
Post # 10
I don’t understand how she’s still your friend after kindergarten, but that’s beside the point. Should you have said no when she asked you? Yes. Should you have told her sooner about your misgivings? Yes. Should you feel obliged to be her bridesmaid? No. Should you continue this ‘friendship’? Heck no.
Post # 11
harley2017 : I’m not understanding why your choice is to either stay in her city for a month or multiple costly flights- even if you’re a bridesmaid she shouldn’t expect you to attend multiple OOT events.
Given that your parents are best friends, backing out would likely cause some fallout/drama among the 2 families, so I’d take a less drastic approach than cancelling on her, even if she is a crappy friend- and if she’s horrid as you describe, she’ll make a big deal out of how she was there for you for your wedding (even if she was selfish and attention seeking as your BM, you know that’s not how she’s going to spin it) ….
So I would approach her and tell her that, due to time needed off work/ previous holiday plans in 2 other cities etc you will only be able to attend the wedding, not the pre-wedding events as it’s just not do-able for you (which isn’t a lie, it really isn’t). Then the ball is in her court to either be okay with you just coming to the actual wedding as a BM or being the crappy friend she is, she may ask you to step down as BM- which accomplishes the same thing as you backing out, but when the drama-shit hits the fan, much less will fall on you.
Regardless of what you decide, this is a friendship I’d pretty much ghost after the wedding.
Post # 12
If you’re going to back out you should do it sooner rather than later. Apologise, say you’ve been looking at flights and they’re expensive so multiple trips won’t be possible, so you can’t be in her wedding. I wouldn’t bring up her treatment of you as that will only create drama.
Post # 13
RobbieAndJuliahaha : “I’m not understanding why your choice is to either stay in her city for a month or multiple costly flights- even if you’re a bridesmaid she shouldn’t expect you to attend multiple OOT events.”
This is what I’m not getting either. How does her wedding being in December translate to you being gone from your husband the entire month? Her wedding is only one day, right?
Anyway, it’s pretty crappy to back out because it seems nothing NEW has happened. She’s been this way since middle school and yet you still (for some reason) asked her to be one of your bridesmaids and accepted her ask to be in her wedding. Honestly it sounds like you’re using the December thing as an excuse. And that’s fine if you truly do not want to be friends anymore. Backing out will end your friendship forever. Just be aware of that. It might also cause awkwardness between your parents as another PP suggested.
Post # 14
I have no idea why your only option is to not attend or to stay there for a month? How is that even possible, do you not work?
You admit that if she did this to you that you would be annoyed so I think you have to remember that. You have already said yes, and only a few months ago you asked her to be your bridesmaid. I think pulling out now would cause a lot of grief. Not only will this totally end your relationship with her, but it will probably affect your families too.
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre
Talk to her about your feelings she might not even realize what she is doing, you let it go in for so long that she might not realize that she’s hurting you