(Closed) I want to cancel my DW Wedding :(

posted 5 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 2
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think 32 people coming for you is still a lot! Especially considering theyre coming from the states. You need to be realistic and stop taking everything personally. That is an expensive, long, flight and many people can’t swing that regardless of how they feel about you. 50, 32 is not some huge discrepancy. Keep planning your dream wedding.

Post # 3
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Okay before I start I want you to know i really feel for you. I am sure it is very upsetting and distressing, and I can totally empathise and I wish it was different for you. Please keep this in mind throughout the rest.

I honestly don’t think they don’t care or don’t want to, I think they are just too proud to say that they aren’t able to afford it. Especially if they have families and such, it isn’t really going to be a possibility for everyone.

Anyone who has had a dw will tell you that they didn’t have a large wedding, probably 50 people max, for this exact reason.

You invite your nearest and dearest, so you should take them into consideration when you originally booked this and spent 50k on a wedding that was super inconvinient for everyone on your side.

Even if there is a couple and not a full family, they would have to have someone watch their place, lose money from not working, spend money on not only the wedding but also on travelling, entertainment, and accomodation while in Tuscany, and mst people wouldn’t want to make such a big trip for a weekend, and they might not be able to get more time off, the list goes on.

I know it is such a big day for you, and I am sure if it was at least in the country they would definitely be there, but this is sort of the risk you take with Destination Wedding unfortunately.

You either have your dream wedding with people missing, or you find a way to change it if possible.

If it honestly can’t be changed, I don’t think you can do a lot at this point. Maybe re budget some of that 50k towards paing for the most important people you want there to be able to be there? like maybe paying for some of their flight or their accomodation?

I do feel really sorry you have to go through this, it does suck, but this is something that should have been considered earlier. You know your side, even if they said they could you should have known how hard it would have been, and you took the risk anyway and now some people can’t come.

 I really hope it works out, keep us updated 🙂 


Post # 4
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
MrsBuesleBee:  I would agree with your comment.  Keep planning your dream wedding and don’t need to take offence.

  I am from Canada and destination wedding for us is typically a tropical all inclusve location of 1500 inclusive of the week.  I know lots of people who do that type and not even have 30 people coming.  We are doing our honeymoon in Italy and I can say it is atleady triple the cost. 

I wouldn’t feel offended at all that they aren’t coming.  It is a huge expense for many people  that could put themselves in to debt and not to mention the time they would need to take off.

 One option would be to have a little open house celebration when you get back if you want to include those who can’t afford it. 

Post # 5
39 posts
  • Wedding: April 2014

I understand you’re upset but I think 32 is still a very good number! Also if you had organised it in the US your fiancé’s family would be in the same situation as your side is now. Why don’t you organise a bbq or something next time you are in the US to have a second low key celebration for the people who couldn’t make it to Tuscany? 

Post # 6
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I agree that 32 people is a great turnout for having to travel that far. If it makes you feel better, I will have ONE blood relative at my wedding – my half-brother – and I’m paying all his travel expenses. I figured I will have a small celebration the next time I’m “home” for my mom and step-dad, sister, and other relatives. Perhaps that would be a good compromise for you, too.  Also think about live streaming the ceremony – we are hoping to do that for my parents. Ah, the life of an ex-pat…

Post # 7
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Do you have a videographer?  Perhaps you will be able to share those special memories with those who can’t make it through video.  I wish you the best.  32 is still a lot of people, but I know it hurts to have members who can’t make it.  It does sound like some of the reasons for not being able to make are a cover for financial embaressment.

Post # 8
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Thanks for posting this. I know that it is likely I will be faced with a similar situation soon, and I am trying my best to think positively about it.

I think 

View original reply
GypsieFlower is right to say that most likely the people that made up excuses not to come probably just don’t want to have to tell you that $800+ and a few days off work is harder to make happen than they originally thought. 

I had to say no to two weddings in the past year – one in Michigan and one in Hawaii – because I am currently living in Europe. Because I’m an aspiring entrepreneur, taking days off work wasn’t the problem -but 20+ hours of flying and $1000+ made it seem impossible to get done. Even though I know it would have been “unreasonable” to spend all that money and time, I still feel bad and sad that I wasn’t there. ..That’s just to say, that you aren’t the only one who wishes they could come – I am sure they do too!

My wedding will be a quick train/flight for almost everyone on my FI’s side, but for virtually everyone on my side, it will involve a lot of money, time, and effort. I, like you, am trying my best to send out Save-The-Dates more than a year out, and make it really easy to RSVP via our wedding website. I obsess over all of this stuff because I want to make it as easy and as enjoyable for our guests as possible. That said, most likely, my Fiance will have a lot more people there than I will, and I will just have to deal with it!

My suggestions (to you and to myself) are the following – and it’s worth a brainstorm to come up with more – 

1) Ask the people who declined if they would like to send a) a video greeting to be played at or after the wedding, b) a quilt piece or some sort of craft piece that fits together to be used at the wedding

2) Send a note after the wedding to the people who declined with a heartfelt “wish you had been able to come! if you would like to see the pictures, here is the link” or something 🙂

3) Travel to the US sometime after the wedding and have a party in your honor at a bar.

Post # 9
2092 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

32/50 is not a big difference at all. My wedding reception will have close to 50 of FI’s friends/family and 4 of mine. It’s a lot to ask people to to travel so far and take so much time off of work for a wedding. I’m sure you will have a lovely day, I don’t think you should give up on it just yet.

Post # 10
7506 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
Tuscanywedding:  “Some of my immediate family for various lame excuses and it really adds up and makes me feel like they just don’t care.”

some tough love here. It’s an invitation, not a subpoena, and anyone can decline. They don’t owe you a reason, and if they offer a reason, you don’t get to decide if it’s “lame” or good enough. This is always a risk when you choose to host a wedding far away. You can’t seriously expect a high acceptance rate when it will cost a thousand dollars per person just for the airfare and take the better part of a day’s travel in each direction.  You need to stop thinking of how your side “can’t make the effort to come” because by choosing such an inconvenient and expensive location, you’ve kind of set them up to disappoint you. Be more realistic with your expectations and appreciate the hell out of every person who sends you a gift or kind wishes even if they can’t physically be there on that day. 

Post # 11
9126 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I agree with the others…. Don’t take it personally, it’s just what happens with destination weddings. It’s really hard and expensive to fly to Europe. My husband’s brother is getting married in France this summer and believe me, I kinda wish we could skip it. It’s going to cost $2500 just for the plane tickets and travel to the destination, plus taking at least a week off work, plus the expenses of Europe in August : / We’re probably going to have to put some of it on a credit card, which I hate.

Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled to be a part of the wedding etc, but it kinda feels like being forced into a vacation I can’t really afford and wouldn’t choose, you know?

So cheer up. it sounds like you have a good location for your wedding given the geographic split of your guest list, you have a whole third of your own guests coming, and you’ll show them an awesome time!

Post # 12
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Sorry if this doesnt come across well but I think its a little harsh to be angry at people who cannot fly across the world to watch you get married – it was more than a little unrealistic for you to expect 100 people to do that. 32 is a great turn out and not that much different from the 50 on your FIs side. I’d say enjoy your dream wedding with those who can come and organize some kind of party for those in the states that wanted to come but couldn’t (perhaps with video as pp suggested). Also its unkind for you to suggest that an eighth grade graduation is unimportant compared to your wedding. I’m sure its pretty huge to the child whose graduating.

Post # 13
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We had our wedding in Europe (where I am from) and only 6 people came from the US out of the 100+ we invited. DH sister who swore high and low she would and had asked that her kids be in the wedding party bailed out at the last minute. A couple of his oldest friends declined but went made another European trip a couple of days after our wedding. People who he considers like his “other parents” and are extremely comfortable financially declined as well. It hurts, but I would say that 32 is a great turnout!

Post # 14
439 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You’re lucky you have 32 people coming! I was married in Ireland and went thru the same thing. So many friends and family members said they were excited to come, they were looking forward to it etc. In the end my only family that came was my mom and sister. My grandparents are old so I could understand them not wanting to take a flight. And I know it’s so hurtful to put some much effort into something and give people so much notice only to have them say no. But you know what? I had an awesome time at my wedding. My friends that did travel had an awesome time too. It was an amazing week and so much fun. 

Post # 15
1440 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
Tuscanywedding:  I’ve personally had to decline 3 different Destination Wedding invites because I could not afford to attend the events- and these were all very good friends. It ripped me up inside, but I simply did not have the cash and there was no way around it. I also have close family members that consider my wedding a DW- I live in Texas and they live in the North West, and I am aware that many might not be able to attend for financial reasons as well (and that’s a much cheaper flight on Southwest than to Europe). You are being unrealistic and petty. 32 is great for a Destination Wedding of that length. You are marrying your Fiance and his family is about to become your family, so don’t think that you only have 32 family members attending- you both have 82. 

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