(Closed) I want to completely cut my dad out of my life…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

If he hasn’t ever been there for you when you needed him, cut him off and don’t invite him…you don’t need to be more stressed out then you are right now. My dad is pretty ill and won’t be at my wedding but even if he wasn’t ill, I probably wouldn’t invite him, we haven’t had a good relationship since I was a teenager. It’s not worth the headaches.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If I was you I would cut him off it’s not worth the drama and as PMSJL said you don’t need the stress

I don’t have a relationship with my Father either, He had an affair, my parents got divorced and has a son that got everything he wanted and I was lucky to get a card on my birthday, So I understand your frustration!

 

Post # 5
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Jamergurl921:  Not knowing your exact situation I can’t tell you if you should cut him off completely. It sounds to me that you have a strained relationship and need to have an honest conversation about WHY you’re so upset–not to generalize but men often don’t get the big picture emotionally. He thinks you’re only upset about the $–when in reality it’s that compounded with feeling ignored by him for your entire life. He may (selfishly) feel hurt that you are having your wedding far away and don’t care if he walks you down the aisle. Is he even attending the wedding? Have you told  him that it is very important to you that he comes? He may feel like you don’t even want him there, you just want the $

When I wasn’t crying and emotional I would talk to him about it again. He promised X amount, he didn’t promise X amount IF he could withdraw $ from his IRA. If he can write you a check for 1/2 now, why can’t he give you the other 1/2 a little later?

 

Idk maybe cutting him out of your life is a good thing, but it’s rare that cutting off a parent (especially a sick one) is something that you will NEVER regret later on……

Emotions are running high and I would think twice

Post # 6
Member
9640 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I honestly don’t blame you – do what you have to do.  I don’t have the best relationship with my Dad, either, for various reasons.  Just because someone can biologically become a parent doesn’t mean they should. 

I have so many loving, caring and warm people in my life who don’t hurt me continually that I don’t feel the lack of a father any more.  I’m so over it because I’ve realized that at his age he’s never going to change and he doesn’t even have a clue how to be a good father to me.  He doesn’t know anything about me and I don’t want him to.  Every phone call (which I avoid as much as possible) just leaves me angry and upset.  The more I talk to him the worse I always feel.  After all this time I feel I’ve learned my lesson about trying to have a normal relationship with him. 

I’ve always envied girls who were “daddy’s girl” because I never had that type of relationship.  My Dad is a very hurtful person, to me.  To a lot of other people he’s a “great guy” (which makes me even more sick because he’s such a hypocrite.  He can’t be kind to his own daughter but he’s more than generous to everyone else).  My Dad also plays favorites in our family and doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong with it.  I’m the oldest and he’s always been harder on me than anyone else on the planet.  So, I got fed up a long time ago and try to avoid him as much as possible.  Thankfully he lives several hours away from me so it’s easy to be at peace for months at a time without interference from his negative attitude.

I really feel for you because I know on some level it hurts a lot.  It seems as though nobody else can hurt you quite as much as a parent knows how to.  I’m so sorry you’re having to face this and also the broken financial promises.  I know that one all too well, as well.  My Dad has lied to me many times, promised me things, money, etc., only to turn around and yank it right back in a hateful and cruel way.  He even throws up things in my face about how much he does for everyone else, including my other two siblings. 

Sometimes the best thing you can do to have a happy and healthy life is cut toxic people out of it.  Even if the toxic person happens to be your Dad.

I wish you all the best!

Post # 7
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I completely understand but if you can swing it somehow, part time job, extra hours at work then do it. I am somewhat prideful and the fact that he “sounds” like it is your fault he couldnt help when he wasnt in your life? Oh no that would have been a done deal for me, on the other hand you have to forgive people for not being perfect. If he misses your day it is too bad on him. Good luck

Post # 8
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My biological father chose not to be a part of my life and my Mom remarried when I was three. My father adopted me and I have been his little girl ever since. He tells people that he fell in love with me AND my Mom.

My heart goes out to you, OP, because truthfully, everyone deserves to have a father figure in their life that respects them, loves them unconditionally and will move heaven and earth for them. Sadly, that’s not always the case. The best thing you can do for yourself is let him go. He makes you sad, he makes you feel like less of a person and he makes you feel like you are in the wrong. No one should do that to you, least of all your father. Like PP have said, do what you have to do to make things work. It sounds like you have done it in the past, why bother with him now? You can still have a relationship on whatever grounds you want, but he doesn’t need to be a part of your wedding.

Good luck and big hugs…this must be so hard for you. {{hugs}}

Post # 9
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs, if it’s what you have to do to have a better wedding/life, say goodbye to your Dad.

From my experience, it’s going to be hard sometimes, but you really need to put yourself first here. Someone who tries to shift the blame on you and can’t take responsibility for his own actions is toxic.

My Dad has similar issues and right now I haven’t talked to him for about a year. It’s tough, especially on his birthday (and mine that is coming up this week), but I try to remind myself of how my life would look like if I still got constantly pulled down by him. I tried savin g our relationship several times, but you have to draw a line somewhere. He doesn’t even know I’m getting married, and will not be invited to the wedding.

It sucks, but just because someone had a part in creating you doesn’t mean they can treat you liek crap.

Post # 10
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think that maybe you should hang fire on cutting him out of your life until your finances get sorted and you get through the transition of your wedding. Cutting a parent out is a big step (I have been there) and it’s not a decision i would make in the middle of all that emotion.

Not that he desrves to be in your life, I’m not defending him.

Post # 11
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I just don’t understand WHY ppl insist on having others pay for ANYTHING related to their wedding. WHY OH WHY!!! Don’t you guys get it??? Whoever pays the piper, plays the tune.

In your case, even if your dad doesn’t call the shots at how your wedding should be and is just writing you a blanket cheque, you better believe it that this will come back to bite you in the @ss sooner or later. He will always hold it against you that he paid x amt for your wedding (no matter how big or SMALL that amt was) and so you owe him something or other. He will just feel superior to you. Is that what you want?

It’s bad enough that the bride & groom ask for money from their parents that they do like, let alone asking ones that you do NOT like, nor do these said parents care abt YOU.

Cut stuff out of your wedding. Postpone it till YOU and FI have the money to afford it ON YOUR OWN. Nobody owes you a wedding gift/money, etc. This is rule # 1 of growing up… I.e. being able to pay for your own wedding, on your own.

Any wedding money I received from peepz that were not giving it as a gift but rather an obligation, I returned it in as a ‘thank you’ gift (it’s in our tradition to exchange money, gifts, etc. so that helped me to even it out), or from some ppl who were really arrogant abt giving it, I never even accepted it to begin with!!! Your dad is in this latter category. I don’t know why you are sinking so low?

Post # 12
Member
9640 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Sasha2011:  Hmmmm, in a lot of families, including mine and everyone I know, it’s the tradition for the parents of the bride to pay for the wedding, at least in part.  I’m not saying I’m following this tradition (not at all, my Fiance and I are paying for everything ourselves) but it is a common tradition in the US.

That said, I like your advice to OP.

Post # 13
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sorry you are sad… and I’m probably older than a lot of posters here so my mindset may be different.. but I’m a firm believer.. and this is just a reminder.. to never plan something.. such as a wedding.. outside of your means, depending on others. You can’t control what happens in others’ lives… or what they will ultimately do.

Post # 14
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Sometimes, you just have to cut the toxic people out of your life, no matter their relation. Don’t feel bad if this is what you decide to do – only you know you best. If its what you want, then do it, and don’t apologize or feel bad. You only get one life, and there’s no reason to fill it with jerks

Post # 15
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Sasha2011:  wow you’re coming off as a very rude know-it-all.

The OP never said she expected her father to pay for her wedding–he offered her X amount, and she believed him.

And while she may not have a great relationship–it’s a leap for you to assume she doesn’t like her father and he doesn’t care about her

 

I think life is a little more complicated than that–all you’re doing is throwing the blame at the OP when she is hurt already–and is ALREADY prepared to make up the difference on her own, although obviously there would be repercussions for this and her ability to trust her father would be lessened

 

As far as no one OWES you anything…welll your parents do kind of owe you love and respect–and when they don’t give it to you, it’s upsetting. That’s like telling her that her fiance doesn’t ‘owe’ her fidelity.

The OP is in the right and I don’t appreciate you telling her that she’s wrong to feel the way that she does

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