(Closed) I Want To Elope; He Wants Big Wedding (& I'm Expected To Plan It!)

posted 6 years ago in Venue
Post # 3
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Can you both meet in the middle and say go and elope then just have a reception after the honeymoon back home?  

My coworker just did that.  They got married in Iceland, honeymooned in Paris then came home after and had a cocktail reception from 7-11 at a restaurant

Post # 5
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Feel your pain.  I wanted to go away and do it all in one swoop– but Fiance won and we had a wedding at home.  Wasn’t what I wanted— but as I got into the planning process– it became what I wanted.  I’m a planner- so it wasn’t too rough on me… However, my best friend wanted courthouse and be done with it- and her Fiance insisted on a Huge wedding.  She’s not a planner, decision maker or good with stress and this whole wedding planning has been like pulling teeth with her— and it drives me nuts b/c I want to help- she wants to do it on her own… And she has a wedding planner…. who seems to be pointless By The Way.

If he is refusing to plan it…. Then maybe the issue needs to be tabled for awhile.   Also, I definitely think that eloping w/  reception afterwards is a great idea.  Another idea– would one of your mothers be willing to plan/coordinate the bulk of it—- with what you want in mind? 

Post # 6
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not a fan of his reasoning for wanting a wedding. Yes it’s awesome that he is doing great for himself, but a wedding shouldn’t be about showing off (even though a lot of people do it). Also, if he’s the one that wants the wedding, then he should help plan it. I really don’t see why you are responsible for planning the entire thing. 

I definitely understand where you are coming from. I am a huge procrastinator, hate being the center of attention, and found planning a wedding a huge source of stress for me, that’s why we are “eloping” (in quotes because everyone knows we are doing it, but it will only be us 🙂 ).  If the date you have listed is your actually date, you have plenty of time to think about things, so you can always let the issue rest and come back to it later.

Post # 7
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You do not have to have a big fancy reception.  I have friends that were married in the Dominican.  They rented space in a very nice park in downtown Indy near all of the “fun” attractions (ball park, etc)- had a portable dj thing (only like 200) where you basically make a playlist on your ipod and plug it in and go.  They had it catered by a local BBQ place– classed it up a bit with some nice/picnic friendly serving wear.  Rented a tent with some tables and chairs.  They had their wedding pictures there for everyone to enjoy.  It really wasn’t a LOT of planning or horribly expensive— probably around 1000.  It was basically a classy picnic.  All of the family and friends that would’ve felt they “Needed” to show— came and it was great.  They still got lots of great presents.  It was a win-win situation. 

We had a church wedding/reception with a similiar set-up afterwards so that everyone could get comfy and relax.  It Really wasn’t expensive.  I made all of the food and we spent probably around 500 (I didn’t make a lot of food due to we had JUST fed them at the reception- but it is do-able).  I didn’t decorate at all there, but it didn’t need it.  It was 4th of July weeekend and the neighbors even put on a fireworks show (coincidence…. he’s just a hilljack that likes to blow things up— but it was perfect timing- for once ). 

 

Post # 8
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am not sure why a reception would have to be costly.  I’ve seen several potluck receptions that turned out quite good.  You would still need to plan for it, though.

Post # 9
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It can be a simple reception.  No dinner just hordeuvres and use an iPod for music.

Some restaurants don’t charge a fee for using up the space if you did it on a Sunday night

Post # 11
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

I think the biggest issue is your FI’s unwillingness to plan the wedding with you. I was in a similar situation. I wanted to elope and Darling Husband wanted a big wedding. We both ended up compromising, but the most important thing is that we planned the entire wedding together. It most definitely would not have been fair to me if Darling Husband had demanded that I plan it by myself. First of all, we’re equal partners, and demands don’t really fly in our relationship. And second of all, if he really wanted a wedding, he was going to have to get his hands dirty and plan it with me.

Thankfully, we ended up having a really positive planning experience and a beautiful wedding that I absolutely loved. But it was because we worked together to create something that we could both enjoy, and it helped so much to have him there by my side throughout the entire planning process.

I think you need to sit down and talk to your Fiance about not only finding a wedding vision that you both can be happy with, but figuring out a way to plan it together. You two are a team, and you need to work together on this. A wedding isn’t just for the bride (clearly he has his own ideas), and this is a chance for you to work as a team.

Post # 12
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I understand.  Sounds like you need to make it crystal clear to your Fiance that planning this is going to be torture for you (and him).  Don’t let him “refuse to discuss it”… if he does- remind him that marriage is not just about what one person wants…. but finding what works for BOTH people.  (But know, that means you don’t get 100% what you want also… you have have to plan a BIT in your compromise)

Post # 13
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Mrs. Parasol:  well said!!!  My Fiance also assisted in the planning process- and it grew to be “our perfect wedding”

Post # 14
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It sounds like it’s going to be tough to work through this and get him to compromise. I agree that tabling it for a while is a good idea. 

I also wonder if when shown real numbers of cost he’ll feel differently. Finally you may want to point out to him that if his family doesn’t have a lot of extra money, then don’t expect them to fork over money in gifts. 

I know that marrying someone who feels the need to keep up with the Joneses wouldn’t work for me. I hope that this isn’t the norm for him. It can make managing finances later in marriage a tough road. 

Post # 15
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Relationships are about compromise and especially when it comes to planning your wedding. It should be somewhere in the middle of a JOP and a sit down dinner for 200 guests. Your Fiance needs to get the idea of trying to use the event of a wedding to impress his family with his success. Also, inviting a lot of guests in NO WAY guarantees recieving enough money gifted to make back what you’ve spent. Having a beautiful, sentimental close family wedding could be done on your budget. If one of the reasons for not wanting to plan a wedding is procrastinating why not hire a wedding planner. Even if it’s only a 50 person wedding they could be very helpful in coordinating all the details. You’re right, it’s the reception that is the most expensive (50%) but there is many ways to reduce costs. By hiring a wedding planner he/she has the experience and resources to keep you within budget. Seeing you’ve been on WB for a while I’m sure you have read how brides have had beauiful creative weddings.

 

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