Post # 1
I want to elope very badly but Fiance is having some trouble swallowing this. He says that he wouldn’t mind eloping, but he doesn’t want his family to miss out and he will plan the whole thing. He was very nice about this, and I thanked him for that, but the truth is, he is terrible at planning things and I am sure he doesn’t realize everything that weddings entail, even the “simple” one he says he wants. That’s beside the point though.
I like his family a lot, but I am massively uncomfortable with the whole idea of a wedding. I don’t want to worry about all the details, just relax and enjoy an elopement on the beach.
I told him I am willing to compromise by having some sort of party/gathering AFTER we are married where his family/friends and mine will be welcome. He says he doesn’t understand why this is different than a regular wedding. I said it will be different because the pressure will be off and I won’t have to worry about the weather, etc., or feel uncomfortable with everyone staring at me, and we can actually enjoy the others. I have always been really uncomfortable in the spotlight. He thinks this is more about that fear, and maybe it is, but to me, it’s a waste of time to try to sort out exactly why. I just know that I don’t want it, so why force it? We’re the ones paying.
Am I being unreasonable? I thought my compromise was a good one. We agreed to continue to discuss but I just wanted to know what other people thought.
Post # 3
No, it’s not unreasonable at all! It IS stressing, the planning of a wedding and somehwere along th eway (9 days left!!) i did despair and wished we had gone somewhere really nice and marry, just the 2 of us. BUT in my case i know my grandmother would be heartbroken – i am the oldest of 5 grandaughters and the first to get married (just turned 40!), also, i DO want a nice wedding, a touching ceremony, photos..and that means work! Which i did..all the time!
Whatever you 2 decide, it’s YOUR wedding. Good luck!!
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Would you be comfortable with a beach wedding, with immediate family (parents, siblings/grandparents)/closest friends? Those can be very low key- maybe a 15 minute ceremony, with 15 people in attendance.
Since Fiance wants family to witness the wedding, maybe that could work?? We had considered eloping, but inviting our parents and best friends- so having maybe 10 people at the ceremony.
Post # 5
I like that idea. However, getting married on the beach would entail travel. My parents are on the older side (80’s and over). I hate to admit this to FI–although my parents are still married, they don’t get along well and travel is difficult on them. 9 times out of 10, they cancel trips because one of them doesn’t feel well or one of them is too anxious to get on the plane. Even driving is hard on them.
His parents are a bit younger and more hale, so it would be easier on them, but I still think it would be asking a little much of them.
Thank you, I too am an older bride and the first to get married in my family. But my family is low-key and I don’t think they would be opposed to my eloping, though I haven’t said anything to them yet since we don’t have it sorted out.
Post # 6
I think this is definitely an issue where you have to come to a “third alternative” (another idea that you are both pleased with) rather than trying to compromise or one person winning. I think if either of you gives up what is important to you, you’ll feel resentful.
I do think it’s reasonable that he wants to have a wedding (the actual ceremony) that includes his family. I also think it’s reasonable that you’re worried about planning and about being in the spotlight.
Here are some questions to consider that might help lead you to a third alternative:
– If money wasn’t an issue, and you could hire someone to plan it, would you still want to elope? (That takes away the planning issue and let’s you see if it’s the planning or the attention that is making you most nervous – and I do think it matters, because you can’t solve the challenge unless you identify it.)
– Would his family be willing to travel for a small destination wedding? Would you be okay with his family being there but not yours? Or is it both or neither?
– What is the maximum number of people you’d feel comfortable witnessing the ceremony?
– Do you have any friends that are nearby, reliable, and really into wedding planning that might help with details? (I’d do this for a friend in a heartbeat!)
– Are there ways you could have a local ceremony that is more low-key rather than “OMG BRIDE IN AN ENORMOUS WHITE DRESS EVERYONE LOOK AT HER!!”?
– Would you be okay having a small ceremony locally followed by a big reception at the same time?
Good luck! I hope you can find an alternative you both feel excited about!